I don't have any experience with a REAL mediator. My w and I had ONE session with a pastor and although it was ok, it didn't end well. We both still had too many emotions involved.
I think it's only natural that you want to stall the process.. after all you don't want the D. My w wanted to start mediation in August... our first time was October.
Thankfully the Good Lord took care of me by continuing to postpone the date (I kept getting work on those days)... because as much as I wanted to "stall"... he also knew that as long as I was ONLY thinking about my w's needs and salvaging our m... it was IMPOSSIBLE to think about myself and my needs for my future.
IMHO - before we start mediation we need to be real with ourselves. We need to understand our motives, our wants, our expectations... from ourselves... and our spouses.
I am blessed that for the most part, my mediation/divorce has not been ugly. We had our ugly moments, but I have worked hard to keep it loving.. and praise God.. my wife has decided to be loving also (as much as she is capable).
I don't think we can stop a D from getting ugly.. but we sure can do our d@mndest to not let it get that way. And that does NOT mean we bend to w's needs, or we do not stick up for what we deserve.
It means we literally look at EVER action and say "Am I being loving.. or am I being Angry at W?" or "Am I being loving to myself, or am I being a little chicken sh!t because I'm afraid I'll lose my chance at recon".
That takes alot of effort but more importantly it takes time! It means riding the waves of our emotions. It means acting vs. reacting.
I know that I did not wave the ride of mediation perfectly but I am soo thankful that I took the time to go through my emotions and push myself to look at myself, and let me w do what she needed to do.
I am coming out the process with no regrets and man... that is an AWESOME feeling!
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
