Thanks VC. I don't know, I just know how I would feel looking at this situation from the outside. I would think that all parties involved are huge fools.
Today was strange. We ended up ML and in the middle of it he said that he loved me and was sorry that he had been treating me this way. I didn't say anything in response because I didn't know what an appropriate response was.
Afterward I went to the store for a few hours, then he called to see where I was. He called again when he was watching football with his friends. When he came home, I was in the bedroom looking at his dresser. I was curious about which watch he was wearing, but when he walked in I could tell that he thought I was snooping again.
He said he was going to get gas, then called about 2 minutes later to say that he was meeting up with a friend. Asked if I needed anything. I called him right back and asked if he was okay. He said he was. Then I said that he didn't have to tell me where he was going. I kind of feel like any progress that was made has been completely sabotaged by my actions. This is the main reason I want us to be in separate rooms. Both of us asking too many questions and wondering what the other is up to.
Well, if you think you look like a fool to people from the outside looking in, then there are a whole lot of us here in the same boat as you. Like a big giant ship of fools.
Some part of your H seems to be sorry for what he is doing, hence the apology during a very intimate time. But, him not controlling his actions when he goes out shows something different.
I am sure he is wondering at the strong side you showed to him at the therapists office. Did he say anything to you when you were looking at his watches? Maybe he didn't think anything of it. How do you feel any progress has been sabotaged? I can understand you moving to a separate bedroom if he is still picking up women. You don't want to get an std. He needs a lot of therapy to figure out why he is a serial cheater, and how to stop it, if he wants to stop it.
How long have y'all been together? If you said, sorry.
I hope you enjoyed whatever church you chose this morning.
Well, if you think you look like a fool to people from the outside looking in, then there are a whole lot of us here in the same boat as you. Like a big giant ship of fools.
Some part of your H seems to be sorry for what he is doing, hence the apology during a very intimate time. But, him not controlling his actions when he goes out shows something different.
I am sure he is wondering at the strong side you showed to him at the therapists office. Did he say anything to you when you were looking at his watches? Maybe he didn't think anything of it. How do you feel any progress has been sabotaged? I can understand you moving to a separate bedroom if he is still picking up women. You don't want to get an std. He needs a lot of therapy to figure out why he is a serial cheater, and how to stop it, if he wants to stop it.
How long have y'all been together? If you said, sorry.
I hope you enjoyed whatever church you chose this morning.
vc
Thanks VC, I really needed the laugh. I guess you're right in that regard. You were also right about him not thinking anything of it when I was looking at his dresser. I definitely didn't sabotage what might be progress at this point, however temporary.
After last night's talk (I didn't initiate anything) I now know that he feels a lot of guilt. He also says that he doesn't want to stop me from finding happiness, in the same manner. On one hand, I'm wondering why he's essentially trying to give me permission to cheat. Even if I wanted to, my morals would not allow me to.
He asked me why I wasn't affectionate with him anymore. He said that he felt bad that we weren't intimate anymore. That he felt like he didn't want to be with anyone else. I think he might feel uncomfortable when he feels that his options are limited. I'm also thinking that he might just have some sort of sex addiction now.
Again, he wants to stop cheating and work on things, but its really only because I have pulled away so much. The only silver lining that I see is that he is serious about working on himself. He's getting back in contact with the counselor, has picked up his own self help books and asked me to go with him to visit a friend next weekend. I'm just not liking that his ultimate solution seems to center around me cheating on him. He said that it would make him unhappy, but that he would understand and thought that it would make me happy. What is it with him needing me to inflict pain on him?
On another note, church was nice, but I'm going to check out a few other places before I figure out which one is best. My doctor's appointment is today, so I'm crossing my fingers.
Thanks so much for your support. I really, really appreciate it.
I guess if he tells you again that your cheating on him would sort of even the playing field, tell him he might just as well stop saying that, because it ain't gonna happen. He wants it to all be better by getting you to do what he does. It would alleviate his guilt. As to whether or not it would really cause him "pain", who knows? I think that his need for it to be even would outweigh the pain he would feel if you did.
Now, his calling the counselor, and getting self-help books is a good sign; hopefully he will follow through. Just out of curiosity, what books did he get? Your actions have caused him to stop and think. You seem to be DBing just fine. Funny how it really works, isn't it?
I hope everything turned out okay at the doctor's. About the church, it's a good idea to check out a few before you choose, maybe a good Sunday School for the kids. I actually years ago, had a religious question to ask, and I looked through the phone book for churches, and rejected everyone I came to, until for some reason I picked one. The best decision I have ever made. I think God led me to pick it. Not saying for people to go walking through the yellow pages for a church, but for some reason it worked out for us.
That was the last time that he mentioned the cheating on him thing, and I told him that I would not do that under any terms. I do feel that you are right about him leveling the playing field. Probably would make him feel better about the things that he has done/is doing.
The only two books I see him with is 'Mens Secret Wars' and some other book on manhood. Doesn't look like he touched them yet, but I'm still shocked that he would actually research and buy any type of self help book on his own.
Doctor's visit went well but I'm still waiting for the test results. Thank God that I have an awesome doctor. I've always gotten testing done as a precaution, but never had to go in between yearly visits.
I can say for certain that I am continuing with my 180s, but I'm not sure how much actual DBing I am doing. I myself am still being too inconsistent. I keep trying to make real goals, but I find that I keep making goals for me and then goals for us. I am 100% dedicated to both set of goals, however, he's still doing a lot of cake eating.
I also have not directly asked for what I want. I want him to stop being so secretive and give up his passwords but I'm really not asking him out and out. Probably because I'm sure he would make a big fuss of things.
The only good thing that I have seen is that there have been no arguments. He came home very late on Tuesday and tried to appease me by being extra night. We both addressed the issue and he gave me a rundown of his activities, but we both know that his word is worth less than dirt at this point. Later on the evening he showed me a text that he received from a male friend. Not anything lewd, but just something that I know he would have never showed me before.
I want to support him on this journey, but I still need to create clear boundaries. Seeing the counselor is going to be terribly difficult now. Our babysitter is moving in less than two weeks and the holidays are fast approaching. He hasn't set up another appointment mainly because of this and changes in his schedule.
I might ask him to go to church with us next week. This has actually been one of his goals, but I took the initiative. I've been very reluctant to be involved in organized religion since having some bad experiences as a child. Time to let all of that go.
Getting ready for Thanksgiving as a few relatives will be coming over. Went out for a few hours with H last night, so that was good. Tonight I'm going to see a very close friend who is going through a tough time over the death of her H. If I can't get inspiration from her, I don't know who I can get it from. Planned on going late night grocery shopping after the visit, but I'm not going to overdo it.
Still taking things one day at a time, but I did ask H for what I wanted last night. Told him that I didn't want anymore secrets so we agreed on him giving up all his passwords in a week. I really don't want to see any hurtful messages, but in my heart I know that he is feeling forced. One minute he says that he hates lying to me and needs to get help, then the other he looks miserable and withdrawn. All I know is that I have to think about me, my health, my children and my needs from now on. If he wants to come long for the right, that's great - but he has to get rid of all that excess baggage. A big suitcase is alright, but I can't ignore the facts.
I think this is a 180 for me, although I could be wrong. Any other time I was quick to look the other way and trust him to be 'good.' And the best part of all is that I'm fully prepared to deal with losing him permanently. I'm hopeful and acting as if it will all work out, but being mentally prepared is actually very helpful.
That's sad about your friend losing her H. I guess it puts things into perspective for those who still have theirs. My H had some sort of anxiety attack or something tonight. I was afraid he was going to have a heart attack. He's okay now. I am going to see that he goes to the doctor next week.
Good for you, asking your H for what you wanted! I know that took guts. I guess he knows you can't be expected to trust him to just be good when y'all are apart. You have a good mental attitude. It will get you through.
That's sad about your friend losing her H. I guess it puts things into perspective for those who still have theirs. My H had some sort of anxiety attack or something tonight. I was afraid he was going to have a heart attack. He's okay now. I am going to see that he goes to the doctor next week.
Good for you, asking your H for what you wanted! I know that took guts. I guess he knows you can't be expected to trust him to just be good when y'all are apart. You have a good mental attitude. It will get you through.
vc
Hi VC,
I hope that your husband gets himself checked out at the doctor soon. I am so sorry you had to go through that. I know I would be completely panicked.
My friend is one of the strongest people that I know. He had medical issues for two years before passing. Seeing her last night was great. Got to catch up on things and even share a little about my situation. She has always been very understanding and non-judgmental, so I am very appreciative of that.
I'm also glad that I was able to ask H for transparency. He even brought it up today - said that I had said a lot of things to him that made him, but that it all made sense. Our communication is definitely getting better.
He left for work a little while ago and I saw him carrying one of the books he picked up. Secretly, this made me very, very happy. He's not a big fan of reading, especially not self help books or anything that doesn't have entertainment value. Earlier he said that he was going to have a light work day because of the impending rain. So, at least his intentions are to spend some time reading instead of just playing around on his phone. I'll just have to wait to see if this becomes a habit or if its just a one shot deal.
The church that I went to today was a little, eh. I still have my preferred church that I have yet to visit. Think that we'll go next Sunday. Looking forward to Thanksgiving, trying to get everything setup in the kitchen and working diligently to apply for as many jobs as I can. Feeling pretty good today.
Yay for him reading those books, and taking them to work. Hopefully he will really get into them, and keep going. When is your next counseling session?
I tried to get H to go to doc today, but he promised to go another day this week. I have to drag him, I guess.
Yeah, I love our church, but I like to visit our other churches when we are in other cities. We always find someone there who knows someone we know, no matter how far away we go. We always fit in no matter what city we are in.
I have to bake a chocolate cake from scratch tomorrow for S's birthday. H got a carrot cake from scratch for his. I hope someone makes me one next month for mine. What is your Thanksgiving specialty? I may have to get some recipes from you.
Good luck with the job search. Glad you are having a good day and I hope it continues.. vc
Yay for him reading those books, and taking them to work. Hopefully he will really get into them, and keep going. When is your next counseling session?
I tried to get H to go to doc today, but he promised to go another day this week. I have to drag him, I guess.
Yeah, I love our church, but I like to visit our other churches when we are in other cities. We always find someone there who knows someone we know, no matter how far away we go. We always fit in no matter what city we are in.
I have to bake a chocolate cake from scratch tomorrow for S's birthday. H got a carrot cake from scratch for his. I hope someone makes me one next month for mine. What is your Thanksgiving specialty? I may have to get some recipes from you.
Good luck with the job search. Glad you are having a good day and I hope it continues.. vc
Sounds like you are definitely going to have to give your H a firm nudge as its going to be hard to see a doctor this week with Thanksgiving coming up. Hopefully he'll be able to squeeze in an emergency visit.
I guess I'll find out how H is doing with his books in a little while. Saw the book he took yesterday in the car, which is a good sign that he was reading it on his breaks.
The church that I am most interested in seems like its my home already. I really like the pastor and everything about it just seems right.
Hope that you enjoy making that cake! I am not big on baking, but I do sugar cookies from scratch each year. Might try something new this year. Also hope that someone returns the favor for you!
My Thanksgiving specialty is creamed spinach. I'm all for sharing recipes.
More applications to fill out tonight, just feeling anxious and lazy. So much to do and so little time to myself, but it feels good to stay busy.
I just realized you asked how long we have been together awhile back. Its been seven years, including a short break.
