Wife just told me doesn't want to be married

[witz10]

So here is a quick update from the weekend. I had my kids this past weekend. My son gave me some problems nothing big. My wife and I met up at Toys r Us to shop for the holidays on Saturday afternoon. I dressed a little nice and threw on some cologne. SHe came in jogging pants cause she woke up late, girls night in the city, and was going to the gym after we were done. Everything was fine made her laugh a few times and we did our layaway shopping. She told me she was thinking of taking the kids to the circus with another mother and her daughter. Her line to me was I was going to take them to the circus kinda like we did with Mary Poppins last year. So I asked ok am I going? She said she was not sure. So that is up in the air. Of course she countered that with well you have 4 tickets for the polar express. I said yea when I bought 4 tickets for us to go as a family. Straight forward answer.

Dropped both off last night at home unpacked the overnight bag, changed my sons batteries in his ferris wheel, showed her his school paperwork at which point she said she wanted to check something. She went to check on the computer if we had the link for our pictures from the weekend before. She came out told me what she did then I kissed the kids and walked out. Not a lot of conversation from me. I am going dark/dim for now. Got down to my car and she brought the kids out onto the balcony to say goodbye then I got a message on my phone from my kids wishing me goodnight and thanking me for a fun weekend. Still hard to listen to her say love you daddy so my daughter repeats it. Also got a pic of my kids hugging and wearing turkey hats, now this was sent to her brother and a friend in LA as well. I hope this works out. I have to keep positive. I am talking with friends that have been divorced, to get there views. Also tried no more mr nice guy. That site is not for me at this point.

I wish there was someone I could talk with that could talk some sense into her.

Of course she im's me today about something for the kids which I just answered with single words as well as a 5k run to do in December as a family.

Is there a sign up emailer on this site that I can just put in her email address and she can look?

[sandi2]

Is there a sign up emailer on this site that I can just put in her email address and she can look?

I hope you're kidding.

[witz10]

Yes I was joking about this.

Also I took my ring off as of yesterday. I carry it in my pocket for now. Still debating whether to wear it or not. Leading towards wearing it. Feels weird without it

[Ajay]

I put mine on and took it off and put it back on again. I have never worn it in the past, citing the danger with machinery. However, wearing it now is a symbol of my love for her and my determination that I want her to stay my wife until forever. I was concerned that wearing it would look like pressure but what the hell.

[Accuray]

Witz10,

You asked me to comment on your situation. I assume you'd prefer some "tough love" to support based on where you are. I've read your whole thread. I feel badly for you, you're in a very difficult situation. Here's my summary of where you are:

1) You separated in May
2) Your wife's main complaints were:
a) financial -- you don't make enough money
b) support -- you did not put her above your family
c) financial & support -- you work for a family business she wants you out of

3) W admitted to a crush, is currently spending time with OM, and did not deny sleeping with him, she says she is single.
4) W has not yet asked for divorce, and you are taking that as a sign that you might reconcile
5) You are working well together as parents, you're still polite to each other and can have productive discussions about the kids.

Anything I'm missing? Any other complaints?

Reading over your thread, you have gotten some good advice, but I haven't seen what you've been doing to follow it. People like Sandi ask you questions to try to help further but I don't see you answer them.

You reference that you've made a lot of changes, but all you've really written about is going to the gym and losing some weight. It would seem the biggest issues are finding a new job and establishing that you are able to put W above your family. As long as you stay in that family business, W is going to see you as not having changed at all. You said you've sent out a bunch of resumes. I would make changing jobs your #1 priority, it's as serious as a heart attack in the eyes of your W.

My other observation is that you are having a hard time Divorce Busting. Rule #1 in your situation should be "don't pursue!". You *claim* that you are "going dim/dark" and cite a couple examples, but you're really not, and for that to work, you have to do it consistently, all the time, with no exceptions.

Here are some examples from your latest update:

I dressed a little nice and threw on some cologne.

Unless you wear cologne all the time, that is pursuing, and she's obviously going to notice. If you dressed "obviously" nice, once again, pursuing. Look good, but don't make it obvious that it's "for her".

So I asked ok am I going?

Pursuing. Say "have a nice time". Never ask "am I going?" That's being needy. If she invites you, tell her you'll think about it.

I said yea when I bought 4 tickets for us to go as a family. Straight forward answer.

That was not a straight forward answer, that was a dig at her for "abandoning" your family. That is pursuing. You are trying to shame her with that comment.

Here's the thing Witz10 -- you can't read DB and do a little of it some of the time and hope it will work. You have to do as much of it as you possibly can, all of the time. You have to embrace it and live it.

It's hard! Nothing about it is easy. It often requires you to do the opposite of what your heart is screaming for you to do. It requires incredible discipline...and there are no guarantees. In many ways it's the "least worst" thing you can do, because nothing else has any hope of working at all, DB at least has some hope of working, but only if you execute on it consistently.

As you've probably read by following others on this site, when OM is involved there is simply not much you can do to get W back. You need to tread water, weather the storm, and not push W farther away. You need to become self-assured, mysterious and interesting in this window of time you have.

She needs to wonder what you're up to, and you should not volunteer it. She needs to see you doing things or acting in positive ways she would not expect, so that she questions her assumptions about you.

For instance, go out, get a new job, and don't tell her. Let her find out through the kids or in other ways -- you're not doing it to please her, you're doing it for yourself. That has to be your mantra -- not for her, for me. She needs to see you walking tall and living large.

Let me reiterate, with OM there, there is nothing you can say or do to get her back. Trying to talk her back will make things worse every time you open your mouth. Making little comments like "am I going" and "I did this for us as a family" will hurt her, and make her resent you for making her feel badly. If you do that enough, she will actively seek to avoid you entirely, because no one wants to feel that way.

She definitely doesn't want to come back to you if it comes with a boatload of shame and bad feelings. As others have said, you need to "pave the road home" and you do that by "acting as if" everything is OK now and you don't harbor ill-will. You act as if you are a fun person to be with right now.

You reference that you're able to make her laugh. That's great! Keep doing that as long as it's off-hand and you're not putting on a show for her. Be the best parent you can be.

You referenced "odds" at one point. The odds are her affair will run it's course. She'll then go through a stage of grief when she may be even harder on you. After that passes, she MAY be open to consider reconciliation. By then, you better have a new job and a road home all paved for her.

I hope I wasn't overly harsh Witz10, I am trying to help.

Accuray

[sandi2]

I have never worn it in the past, citing the danger with machinery. However, wearing it now is a symbol of my love for her and my determination that I want her to stay my wife until forever. I was concerned that wearing it would look like pressure but what the hell.

IT IS PRESSURE!! The LBH needs to understand that this is not the correct steps to take if you're trying to save the M. You need to do the opposite and stop trying to convince her of your determination. It is a pure turn-off to a WAW. Why would you say "what the hell" when you claim that you want her to stay? That makes no sense. Take the ring off (since you have not worn it in the past) and stop showing "determination") to stay in the M. She needs to wonder if you're through with her.

Honestly, have you guys listened to anything I've said, or are you just so "determined" to butt with your own stubborn heads b/c you think you know what to do?

[Ajay]

OK Sandi, point taken. I am getting very negative at the moment that's my excuse. I will put it away tonight.

[sandi2]

What is your idea of going dim/dark? I think going dark is very difficult when a couple has children. And, "dim" is not a deffinition in the DR book. I remember when some newcomer started using the word "dim" b/c he didn't have the guts to go dark and was trying to compromise. Unfortunately, a lot of new people picked up on that word and try to use it as a DB tactic. I don't like it b/c the only thing it results in is making the LBS look sulled. It does not do the job going dark is suppose to do. I think you have to learn to detach, first, which you have not accomplished.

I dressed a little nice and threw on some cologne. SHe came in jogging pants

Well that was a bust, but do you know why? You totally over-killed. The time for her to "catch you" looking hot and wearing cologne is when you weren't planning on being with "her". Do you get it? That way, it won't be puruing, but if you over-dress for the occassion (which I don't know that you did....she obviously under-dressed) and throw on the cologne, then she knows it's to impress her and that kills the effect right there.

She told me she was thinking of taking the kids to the circus with another mother and her daughter.

So I asked ok am I going? She said she was not sure. So that is up in the air.

That is totally uncool for a man to respond like that. You don't "ask" her if you get to go or not, you take charge of your life and do what you want with your kids!~ She doesn't call the shots about your activity calendar. How long have you been doing this? That is a direct killer of sexual love right there. A woman is attracted to a man who makes decisions for himself.

I'm not suggesting dictatorship. In a healthy MR, a H and W would discuss it together......but you're not in a healthy MR. This is too much of little boy action when you ask her if you'll be going. From this point forward, I think you need to assume she has not included you, and just start making plans with the kids that doesn't include her, until things change.

I hope this works out.

It can! But you've got to make the appropriate changes.

I have to keep positive.

I agree.

I am talking with friends that have been divorced, to get there views.

DR remommends that you not discuss it with friends or family. Read the book to find out why.

Also tried no more mr nice guy. That site is not for me at this point.

It's tough stuff. I hope you'll stay here with us.

[witz10]

So you are saying that I should still wear my ring to show her that I am not giving up?

[witz10]

[What is your idea of going dim/dark?]
Starting next week I am taking my kids with me the nights I pick them up and she works late. Which would be Tuesdays and Thursday nights. I will only see her face to face when I pick them up every other weekend. I am not texting, emailing or calling her unless she reaches out to me, then I will respond.

I dressed a little nice and threw on some cologne. SHe came in jogging pants [/quote]
Nothing to over the top. We went shopping for kids for holidays so I wore jeans and a new pull over shirt.

She told me she was thinking of taking the kids to the circus with another mother and her daughter.
When she told me this she also said "kind of like we did for Mary Poppins last year" which I went to. So I was not sure if I was going to the circus and my son was telling me we were getting tickets. So there was the confusion.

This weekend I plan on taking kids to go see the Muppet movie and she knows this. I had asked her if she wanted to go in the past. Now not so sure.

Also tried no more mr nice guy. That site is not for me at this point.

[It's tough stuff. I hope you'll stay here with us.]
I am not going anywhere. To many good caring people here that want to help a block head like me.

Thank you again Sandi