Is it possible no DB tool can save my marriage?

[Accuray]

CaughtOffGuard,

I didn't think you were coming back, nice to see an update. That's good news that W wants to find a new place with you, what have you been doing that's been working?

You are right that you have a choice to make here, you ALSO get to decide if you want to continue to live together. You may decide you don't want to with OM in the picture. Per Mr. Bond, you can take control of your situation here.

If I'm understanding the whole counterintuitive concept correctly, I should just be like a rug on the floor so W can walk all over me, in order to save the marriage. Right? In other words, is there a difference between being passive for the purpose of saving the marriage and being taken advantage?

Not at all. You should never be walked all over. That implies that you are a victim. If you did that, you'd be so resentful you'd have a really hard time recovering the relationship.

Here's the point -- what do YOU want?

Do you want to preserve your pride, or do you want to save your marriage? You *may* be able to do both, but pretend you had to choose only one, which would be more important to you? That will probably guide your way forward.

If you decide that saving your marriage is MOST important, then you may need to let some things go. That's not being a doormat, because you're deciding how you're going to respond and act, and you're doing it for yourself, not for her.

We all have a "line" at which point it is no longer worth it to DB and try to save the marriage. If that line gets crossed, we give up, and we may even feel good about walking away, because the choice became clear. At other times when our line gets crossed, we reassess. Where your line is drawn, is entirely up to you, you're in control of what you will tolerate and what you won't.

If you decide your pride is more important, that's OK too. You may at that point try the "Last Resort Technique" in Michelle's books. If you are really ready to walk away, you actually get a lot of power back in the relationship, because you no longer feel you have a lot to lose. At that point, you can make ultimatums because you're willing to enforce the "or else".

You get walked on when you make an ultimatum, W does not do what you demanded, and you don't follow through. In that case, you lose. Therefore, you have to choose your ultimatums carefully and use them only when you're willing to walk.

DB'ing does not make you a doormat -- it's something you do for yourself, to realize your own goals, and you do it on your own terms. That's the mindset you need to adopt. If you're doing it "for her" or only "to win her back" it will not accomplish its goals.

Accuray