Peicing and hoping I'm doing the right thing.

[FreeBird0120]

He's really only agreed to continue to work on us. I asked him if there was anything else I needed to know. Anything else that could possibly come up as a surprise, and he said no. I told him that I was willing to try to forgive him and work on us as well, and that I would try to consider this a clean slate. From this point on no more lies, no more secrets and that I needed complete honesty and transparency. He agreed, however, I still don't have the password to our cell phone account, and I don't have access to his work phone records obviously, so I can only really count on whether he's being honest with me or not...

He has told me that he hasn't talked to her, only Hello's and Have a good weekend in passing at the office (as he doesn't want to be a jerk and ignore her.) This weekend was exceptionally hard for me for whatever reason. I kept replaying over and over in my head the conversations they were having via instant messages, and there were a couple that were a little alarming (not that everything they discussed wasn't alarming), so I asked him about them. (I know I shouldn't have, but I guess I needed closure on those two particular things.)

1. Was a convo they were having about the afternoon before, and he had stated that he wished he could go back to the prior afternoon and couldn't get it out of his head. She agreed and said that she couldn't stop thinking about his words and his hands. He joked and said "What my hands without lotion?" and she told him his hands felt good with or without lotion. Since he's maintained that nothing physical had happened between them, that it was only talking, it freaked me out, so I asked what had happened and of course he said he'd just given her a back massage...whatever!!!

2. The second thing was when D and I had moved, he hit his rock bottom, and wasn't talking to anyone but me and D. I guess she'd text and called him and he didn't respond, and they were supposed to meet for lunch, but he didn't show up. The next day he'd text everyone in his phone a random question: "If love is supposed to be the greatest feeling in the world, and love hurts, does that mean that pain is the greatest feeling in the world?" She got very angry that he ignored her calls and texts, and then mass texted her this. They ended up fighting, she told him that if he wanted me back they couldn't be friends. He told her that he didn't know what he wanted but that he was at the lowest point of his life and needed time and space to figure things out. He told her that the one person he didn't expect to give him attitude did (her)and that their friendship needed to end. She profusely apologized and asked if this was goodbye. He said "Don't you think that's best? You have your own family and issues to deal with and I have mine. I don't know if and when I'll ever be myself again. I need time to figure this out." She told him that it was painful that he wasn't talking to her and that she didn't understand. He said, "You tell me how you would feel driving away from your home with your daughter in tears on the driveway holding her father watching you drive away. Tell me how you would feel knowing that when you returned home, your family wasn't going to be there and knowing that you would not get to see your baby girl every day of her life like you always have since she was born. Then you tell me if you would have continued with our plans. I freaked out on this one because it sounded to me like they were planning something together as in she leaving her husband and shacking up with my H, but he explained that they were supposed to have lunch that day and he bailed on her...

So anyways, they aren't fighting I guess anymore if they continue to say Hi and Have a good weekend to each other...I have to try to ignore it...you're right MZ. It's just so hard...and I know that every time I ask a question, or refer to her in any way, or make him feel like he's under a microscope, it makes it worse.

But why do we LBS's have to endure this and walk on egg shells just so WAS doesn't feel uncomfortable, or feel pressured, or whatever they feel...None of it seems fair...

Oh and btw MZ...I would love to get a pedi with you...I feel like all of you are really close to my heart, and I've never even met any of you, but trust me when I say that I hold each and every one of you close to my heart.

Thanks for listening and helping me thru this very painful time...

BIG HUGS!!!