Not so new

[Accuray]

LostForWords,

Wow, you have tolerated a lot! You must love her very much. I identify with how you are feeling. I have been reading "Passionate Marriage" as I referenced which is very eye-opening. It definitely talks about the fact that low desire is not necessarily a "problem" with the LD partner. It's more likely a reflection of how they feel about themselves, how they feel about the marriage and a myriad of other things that neither of you may ever get your heads around. We're often tempted to think there is a single cause (medical, history of abuse, etc.). Although that "cause" may seem to fit 100%, it's highly unlikely that the dynamics are anywhere near that simple.

I don't know if I feel better about that knowledge, but it has taught me that my W does not need to be "fixed", and that there is no one "root cause" to address that will make everything better. Historically I ran the gamut of suspecting that my wife must be secretly gay, that my wife must have deep rooted psychological issues, etc. because I absolutely could not understand how anyone could have such a low sex drive and be ok with it.

One funny thing is that I was reading a sitch on the Infidelity board where the H walked away and the W was historically low desire. Thinking about the LD dynamics, I was thinking to myself: "This would be like dating a woman and being very chatty, interested in her life, always making conversation etc. Then, after you get married, just stopping talking to her and telling her you're no longer interested in conversation, and you don't think there's anything wrong with that -- how would the woman feel about that? If she came looking for conversation and I called her a 'Talk Maniac'". I kind of laughed thinking that was a great comparison to how HD husbands feel they've been treated regarding sex. Unfortunately, I then realized that was *exactly* what I had done to my wife at some point -- I just hadn't put it into those terms until right then.

I didn't do it willfully, and my W only challenged me on it once and gave up, but I did it all the same. Painful bit of self-realization.

Question for you -- "Passionate Marriage" talks a bit about control dynamics in relationships. The LD partner obviously controls the amount of sex, etc. The other dynamic is who pursues, and who is BEING pursued. Typically when you get married, one person did the bulk of the pursuing, and the other person more or less agreed.

My pet suspicion is that the majority of LBS people on this board or "cheated on" spouses were the ones doing the pursuing in the initial courting period.

Because we did the chasing initially, we:

1) Value our spouses more than they value us, we had to hunt them down!

2) Have an inferiority complex because we want them more than they want us

3) Are willing to put our needs in the back seat, and are less likely to "dig in" because we fear them walking away more than they fear us walking away.

When we first "win" this person, we feel really good about it, but eventually don't feel so good because we feel less wanted than we would like, and that starts to drive all kinds of negative dynamics. Our spouses may definitely "love" us, but it has different roots than our love for them, and that's a source of friction.

What do you think LostForWords, were you the pursuer, or the pursued? What do you think of my pet theory? Did your outside relationship have anything to do with your wife becoming interested in reconciling? What does she think about that relationship you had?

(I was definitely the pursuer, both originally, and in the reconciliation. I have often thought if walking out may equalize that, but concluded probably not, she wouldn't come looking.)

--Accuray