Thank you so much for answering me. Coming back here after months made me feel a little apprehensive, and it means a lot knowing someone is listening.
You are right about the listening thing. When she talks to me about how angry she is with me, I feel very afraid - afraid that whatever she is saying about me will become a lasting label, something she will never see past. I guess the only way to get her to see past it is to stop defending myself and just change. It just seems that when I validate her I am agreeing with her - that I don't ever listen, that I am insensitive and uncaring. It seems like I can't ever place myself low enough when she is angry at me - she can always tell me that I'm lower still. At least that's how I hear it. I feel like a poorly behaved child being scolded. It really hurts to hear these statements that make me sound like a terrible person. And I don't always know how to listen without what is being said sinking in...making me believe that what she is saying is what I am.
Reading what I just wrote, I can't believe what an insecure person I must be. The fact is, you are right. I need to listen to what she says, for the sake of what she is feeling, not reading into it what that would mean about me. Well...got something to talk about in IC next week!
As far as the "sex thing" goes, I think your guns are a little off target. First, because of where we have been as a couple for the last few years, I haven't even been initiating sex, but just letting W initiate. No expectations of sex from me lately. And W hasn't really been open to romantic gestures. There have been too many times when I have ignored what she was asking me for, and then trying to be romantic with her. At this point, she has stated that the only thing that means anything to her is my response to what she asks for, what she wants. (Yeah, it's a long story, but you are right if you have guessed that I have spent a good many years screwing it up.) What she was complaining about that night was - to put it delicately - my lack of fine motor skills. I'm afraid that my hands can be a little rough - not that it is intentional on my part; if I only were able to do what I meant to do, I would be the gentlest, most sensitive man in the world. As it is, however, I'm a clod.
Oh, and I forgot to tell you the one thing that most made me feel embarrassed. As the tone of the conversation was quieting down the other day, I stopped and asked W a very important question. She has told me I don't know how many times that she is tired of hearing "I'm sorry" from me. I asked her what I could do to express to her the fact that I heard and understood her feelings, and that I truly wanted better for her. I asked her what I could do to change things. Her response: "I want you to work on YOURSELF."
You can't believe what an idiot I felt like. After all, I am the one who has been reading DR, not her. But she knew what I needed most - to become a better person independent of her.
So, now I am trying to scrape myself up off the floor - which is hard, because, once again, I have let myself place my whole life in orbit around W.
Anyway, in a strange way, it is good to be back. You guys are awesome, and I think I need your influence in my life.
Think about it...if you met a potential mate who was nothing but a bundle of needs, would YOU be attracted to them?
