Any more feedback? I would love to know what she is thinking about now? In my dreams she is having 2nd thoughts.Talks about L/mediators ...then this?Rec'd an email that said "Truthfully, you sound good, like you're much healthier emotionally and mentally. That makes me happier than you could ever know." & ended it with Love (W)..which I haven't seen a long time.Her last email was ALL very business-like (not mean...just not as warm as the last( car repairs etc). Is there any way to delay the visit to the attorney/mediator without causing more friction? Do I just give up everything?I haven't brought up anything about R or MC since she dropped the Dbomb on me. Can't wait to get out of Afghanistan....very soon I'll be home. I've planned some great things to do with my kids...and starting snowboarding and yoga. Should I casually invite my wife to anything, or just wait for her? Her ic seems to be pro-divorce... How Can I be firm about protecting myself during this mediation without coming off as being antagonistic? Still giving her space , working on 180& setting gal plans. Sorry if I ramble- so many thoughts in my spinning head
(F.K.A. Broken422)
US 40's M 17,T 19 2 BOYS 13,16 Divorced 4/2012 11/2011 W SAID SHE WANTS D
"When it is dark enough,you can see the stars"- Ralph Waldo Emerson
Any more feedback? I would love to know what she is thinking about now? No one here can really tell you that--it's speculation--mindreading at best
In my dreams she is having 2nd thoughts.Talks about L/mediators ...then this?Rec'd an email that said "Truthfully, you sound good, like you're much healthier emotionally and mentally. That makes me happier than you could ever know." & ended it with Love (W)..which I haven't seen a long time.Her last email was ALL very business-like (not mean...just not as warm as the last( car repairs etc). Is there any way to delay the visit to the attorney/mediator without causing more friction? yes, just gather information
Do I just give up everything?I haven't brought up anything about R or MC since she dropped the Dbomb on me. Can't wait to get out of Afghanistan....very soon I'll be home. I've planned some great things to do with my kids...and starting snowboarding and yoga. Those are excellent things that let you center on you and something other than the issues, and can calm you. Be aware, they can distract you from working on your issues as well so be clear about your goals.[color:#FF0000[/color]
Should I casually invite my wife to anything, or just wait for her? pay attention to her words, and actions and opportunities, you (and others) don't know the answer to this yet, it depend on what she says and does closer to the opportunities
Her ic seems to be pro-divorce... How Can I be firm about protecting myself during this mediation without coming off as being antagonistic?What are the specifics? Onsizefits all comments will not work.
Still giving her space Women in general don't want space, they just don't want you to be desperate. , working on 180& setting gal plans. Sorry if I ramble- so many thoughts in my spinning head
Welcome--officially--to divorcebusting.com (even though many of us have welcomed you earlier).
You may well have a WAW. That means, SHE has been trying for many years, and then may have stopped trying, and now she is done--leaving you to wonder and pick up pieces. Whether this is true or not, I am so sorry that you are in this position and in Afghanistan (I so appreciate that you are serving our country, and allowing us to walk free and at peace).
While you can read about and get advice about GAL, that only serves to help your sanity if she is a WAW. It doesn't help you get her back.
What helps is REAL GIVING. Understanding what is important TO HER. That comes from listening, truly listening to her words and her body language and what she is doing now. And depending on how long she has felt this way, it may take awhile to discern what is really needed. One thing is for sure: It's the OPPOSITE (180) of how you have interacted with her for a long time. The amount of time is up to her, but I'll bet it was BEFORE you were in Afghanistan.
I hope that wasn't terrifically hard to hear. If it was, I hope it leads to healing.
I am not a professional, but I am well trained in DBing and am a successful DBer myself.
No one on the board is an expert. Expert advice is available from Michele or the DB coaches (links on the home page).
Hang in there--we are here to support you, but mostly, we appreciate you.
Thanks from me as well for your service. Believe me, some of us understand that freedom isn't free!!!!! I am SOOOOOOO sorry you are having to deal with this while at war for us. ((((HUGS))))
THe advice you get here is great --- but the best thing about this board is the sense of support and community. Post often and we will be here with you through the ride. The DB coaching is really helpful, and it does make you feel empowered, versus at the mercy of the WAS.
Take care, and post any specifics so the old timers here can help you out!!
Me (f): 45 W(f) 35 T: 13 y C: S4 adopted at birth 6-18-11 bomb: I want to break up 8-28-11 OW confirmed
Thanks dbmod, In addition to those activities...I have appts scheduled with an IC to discuss everything, including possible meds for anxiety/depression. Working on 180s...to become more patient & more outgoing, optimistic & no more sarcasm. Her IC said that if she (W) can't forsee a resolution at this time to our problems, then she should plan to seperate & get divorced! She also told my wife that if I insisted on MC...All my W needs to say on the first appt is that the M isn't salvageable... & the MC shouldn't schedule any appts after that!? After 17 yrs... & both of us admit that most of those years were incredible, just the last few have been rough.
(F.K.A. Broken422)
US 40's M 17,T 19 2 BOYS 13,16 Divorced 4/2012 11/2011 W SAID SHE WANTS D
"When it is dark enough,you can see the stars"- Ralph Waldo Emerson
WOW that is one interesting IC. After 17 years, (mine was 13) and children, it seems that it's worth a try.... What in the world is WRONG with so many of these counselors???
Me (f): 45 W(f) 35 T: 13 y C: S4 adopted at birth 6-18-11 bomb: I want to break up 8-28-11 OW confirmed
Most IC & MC are terrible they are marriage busters. I didnt believe it myself till they helped my H walk out.
Try to find an IC and MC that are pro marriage. Take the time to find them (interview them( and dont worry if they are not in your insurance they are worth it. Hold on to their numbers so that if your W is ready to attend you have the proper person to go to. ((())))
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
Any more ideas on how to deal with the mediator? I would love to stall/ delay this process without appearing to be transparent or worse...antagonistic.... Heck I'm not even sure how long its supposed to take - After 17 yrs of marriage, I never educated myself on the divorce process. Luckily, this is supposed to wait until I'm back home & after the holidays.
(F.K.A. Broken422)
US 40's M 17,T 19 2 BOYS 13,16 Divorced 4/2012 11/2011 W SAID SHE WANTS D
"When it is dark enough,you can see the stars"- Ralph Waldo Emerson
I don't have any experience with a REAL mediator. My w and I had ONE session with a pastor and although it was ok, it didn't end well. We both still had too many emotions involved.
I think it's only natural that you want to stall the process.. after all you don't want the D. My w wanted to start mediation in August... our first time was October.
Thankfully the Good Lord took care of me by continuing to postpone the date (I kept getting work on those days)... because as much as I wanted to "stall"... he also knew that as long as I was ONLY thinking about my w's needs and salvaging our m... it was IMPOSSIBLE to think about myself and my needs for my future.
IMHO - before we start mediation we need to be real with ourselves. We need to understand our motives, our wants, our expectations... from ourselves... and our spouses.
I am blessed that for the most part, my mediation/divorce has not been ugly. We had our ugly moments, but I have worked hard to keep it loving.. and praise God.. my wife has decided to be loving also (as much as she is capable).
I don't think we can stop a D from getting ugly.. but we sure can do our d@mndest to not let it get that way. And that does NOT mean we bend to w's needs, or we do not stick up for what we deserve.
It means we literally look at EVER action and say "Am I being loving.. or am I being Angry at W?" or "Am I being loving to myself, or am I being a little chicken sh!t because I'm afraid I'll lose my chance at recon".
That takes alot of effort but more importantly it takes time! It means riding the waves of our emotions. It means acting vs. reacting.
I know that I did not wave the ride of mediation perfectly but I am soo thankful that I took the time to go through my emotions and push myself to look at myself, and let me w do what she needed to do.
I am coming out the process with no regrets and man... that is an AWESOME feeling!
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
