Putting it back together, but SSM issues linger

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Thanks Nblost, I can't tell you how helpful this is:

I wonder if you should try letting your wife break down when you tell her your needs aren't being met and not comfort her. It may be worth a try before you get to the point where you are having a last ultimatum conversation or are tempted by an affair. Maybe she needs to see you are more serious and she'll look into more counseling or try harder. (I can see though if you are just starting to reconcile, that may feel too risky and so maybe you still wait awhile)

I will try this next time. It's going to be hard for me because I am so driven to provide happiness. I agree, this is better than letting it get to ultimatum. I'm always the one to apologize first, maybe I should try not doing that.

I don't believe I would ever be tempted by an affair, I'm not wired that way, I couldn't live with myself. I don't give out an "available" vibe, and if something starts going towards the line I shut it down. I really don't see that it would solve any problems for me, it would just contribute more.

I do think the more you can work on being happy yourself, you'll be more attractive to your W and you may also be less needy. I'm not sure how much GAL-ing you did prior to reconciling...but was there something you were doing more of back when your wife was trying harder and decided to reconcile?

Yes, I am generally happy, but I'm too influenced by my wife's mood swings. If I wake up happy and come downstairs and she's yelling at the kids and there is a black cloud over her head, then I feel badly all day too. That's my issue to work on. I have to let that roll off me.

GAL is interesting in my case, my wife's main complaint historically was that I would GAL too much. I had tons of hobbies and interests. Part of reconciling was jettisoning 95% of that and focusing on quality time with W. I think initially she really appreciated the change, but now it's perhaps feeling more routine and therefore less appreciated.

I think W also felt she wanted more connection and intimacy, but now that she's getting it, she doesn't want as much as she thought she did. I think there is some of "be careful what you wish for" going on too.

Historically I would go out and do all kinds of activities, either alone, with friends, or with the kids. Coming back happy didn't really lift W's mood at all, she'd get passive aggressive about it. I remember many times taking the kids camping or skiing for the weekend when W refused to go and coming home with a car loaded with gear, suitcases etc. I would walk in the house and W would be watching TV or talking on the phone and wouldn't move as I unloaded and put away for 45 minutes, started the kids' laundry, etc. Passive aggressive! In my situation I felt like I needed to anti-GAL.

W doesn't seem to get intrigued when I get more mysterious, she just gets either withdrawn or passive aggressive.

It is too bad you didn't find a MC you liked and that your W would go to with you. I would think having a MC guide you through the healing process and work through issues would be helpful.

Yes, I would *really* like to go back to MC, particularly someone with sex therapy training. How do people find a good MC? It's not really a Google or yellow pages type of thing, I'm not sure how to find a good one trained in DB type philosophy.

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