wife won't admit PA with OM

[Accuray]

Jake:

I think about my W with the OM a lot and keep envisioning them together. Anytime we are together and I get the urge to be closer to her, hold her hand, give her a little kiss, etc, I think that the OM probably had the same thoughts since he is a normal person like everyone else and that he probably did the same things.... it makes me sick.

I felt this way too, this will get better with time. You'll have fewer episodes eventually, then they won't last as long when you do have them. Unfortunately the last thing to go will be in the intensity.

Your W will notice when you're feeling this way. You may want to come up with a code word or something to let her know that you're having an episode so she understands it's not something she's done recently. You can also Google for "affair recovery", there are checklists of things she can do to help you heal.

For now, however, very important not to beat up W with blame, guilt, and your sadness. Remember, she was on the fence -- if you're no fun to be with, that's not going to help things. People like a spouse who makes them feel good about themselves, if you're beating her up emotionally she's not going to feel good about herself and eventually she won't feel good about you either.

I wasn't her first relationship so it's naive to say that she's never done those things with someone else... but to do them while with me is something I never thought would happen.

Agreed, at one point W told me to just think of her EA like an ex-BF. ex-BF doesn't bother me at all, *because I wasn't there*. No comparison, it's the betrayal, lying and rejection that hurt.

I'm having a hard time forgiving her. We have got along well since the last argument that I posted about. But I think that her complete lack of remorse and all the lies she told are eating at me. Will that go away?

Here's the thing, you're very lucky and you don't realize it. You would be doing much much worse if she had the EA and did NOT want to come back. Imagine how you'd be feeling then! Forgiving her is hard, but it's a gift you give yourself. Don't expect the remorse, you may never get it. You need to move on and not expect that. Very hard I know, but a reality.

These feeling will go away (1) as time passes (2) as you feel better about yourself and become a better spouse (3) as W consistently earns your trust. If you become the best husband you will be, you'll feel confident that she's not going to need to go anywhere else, why should she? Then these feelings will subside, but that's you working on you versus her doing anything.

Let's say that the PA truly never happened... what would she have to say to me to convince me of that? The only thing I can think of is to have a 100% honest and logical conversation about every possible piece of evidence I have. From what everyone on here has said, that will drive us apart and probably won't ever happen. So how do I just accept it and move on? I want to, but am struggling.

If you can't move on, then you need to address it. I'm just saying go into that with your eyes wide open and know the risks. She's already told you that a PA did not happen. To go over every piece of evidence will effectively be backing her into a corner and trying to force her to admit she lied. How do you feel when someone does that to you?

She has admitted to EA right? You already know there was a betrayal, how will knowing it was more severe help you?

If you can yell "Ah HAH!" and point your finger at her, that may feel good in the moment, but will it feel good an hour later? How will it feel the next day? How much work will you have to do to pick up the pieces after that?

If you absolutely MUST go there, tell her you need to put your fears and suspicions to rest. You want to "rip the bandaid off" and move forward so you can put all this behind you. You may want to tell her you'll email what you want to talk about in advance so she has time to think about it and doesn't feel blindsided. If there is any way you can avoid doing this, though, try to.

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