I have floated around on the mid-life crisis boards for years and while what I am currently doing may be considered "piecing", I currently feel drawn to this board. Maybe it is because I can relate to Accruray so much.....I am not sure. I just know I need to vent a little to understanding people and maybe get a new adjusted perspective.
For starters I am a veteran of the whole midlife crisis issue and the personal growth that accommodates such happenings. So I am aware of GAL, etc and do employee these aspects into my life. The real issue is trying to deal with the resentment that is starting to brew inside me. It feels like I have spent many years being respectful and understanding of my wife's position. Probably to far, as in multiple friends have noted "that I was forgotten" and everything became about my wife. No compromise......My therapist actually referred to my experiences as bordering on mental/emotional abuse. For a brief time line;
1995-Met and had a satisfying intimate relationship
1998-Married and started working towards conception (fertility issues forced this issue) and the old "have to have sex now" thing
1999-Son is born....sex life diminishes understandably, but is still a few times per month
2001-Try for second child.....Had a massive fight this time because I really did not enjoy the "have sex right now" thing.
2002-Daughter is born....Sex diminishes more, but once again understandable.
2002-2006-Our intimate life can almost be scheduled to once every 11 weeks. Constant rejection for various reasons begins to wear on my confidence.
2006-2009-Wife has first affair....I become a regular here and focus a lot on personal growth in many areas that needed it.
2009-Second affair...So called friendship...wife has shared details of this one since it was hidden well behind the veil of friendship
Fall of 2009-spring of 2010-No affairs, wife wants to be home, but has no relationship with me.
Summer of 2010 to spring of 2011-Wife has third affair...moves out this time.
Summer 2011-Lots of reconciliation...apologizes...very hard and trying conversations. Sex life starts up and picks up. I note that this is important to me.
That is my last 5 years in a nutshell. Yes there is A LOT more, but that is definitely the abridged version.
During the last affair, I had a relationship with another woman. I was fully prepared at that point to move on. While were would be defined as "friends with benefits" she did help me get over the pain of the constant rejection I had faced for the previous decade. Some of the things I learned is that it was okay to "want" for myself. That as a person I should be fulfilled to the greatest extent...mentally, physically, spiritually, and emotionally. This is something I had not been in many years of my marriage.
So currently we are trying to piece our marriage back together. I love that my best friend is once again in my life. Overall things are going very well. We communicate a lot more than we used to, etc. All the things that I would anticipate happening. The downer is that our intimate life has once again gone back to nothing.
This is causing me to start questions myself and also feel very resentful. While do not know, nor care to know, a lot about her first affairs I do know a lot of details about the third. That has turned into one of those dual sided blades to say the least. The first issue for me is that they shared many graphic photos. The fact the shared these isn't massive, more the issue is that I have never received the same from my wife. It makes me feel like I am not "worthy" of such things. Maybe I am overreacting or feeling to much about the subject....but it hurts to know that your wife sees you in a different light.
The second is the reported amount of intimate activities when we were apart. My wife reported that they had contact at least once everyday if not more (she also noted prior to that that she was an extremely sexual person). This in the end caused her resentment and pain (the whole topic came up because I could see the pain on her face in a conversation)as she felt she "had" to have sex with him whenever he wanted to maintain their relationship. I will also have to add that during this time I was having sex 1-2 times per week and was very happy with that. I definitely don't need sex everyday nor do I want it.
So now I am sitting here...resentful of the fact that for years I contained my own yearnings, as a compromise I guess, but that there wasn't excuses to not have sex when with her other lovers. She has noted that the third affair made her feel like a sexual object. To the point were one night watching TV she flipped out because I put my hand on her leg and she thought I was pressuring her to have sex. So there are many facets to our problem.......
Thoughts...questions...shot away and I will answer to the best of my skill.
To Jack-I hope life has treated you well my friend....So how are you today?
