Okay, thank you for the replies. I apologize if it seems I am arguing with you. I honestly am not-just trying to see clearly. Yes, I am worried I am deluding my self that is why I wanted clarification from you.
Yes, after him telling me he didn't want D I told him that I have to continue to move forward with D unless he makes some movement toward R. He hasn't now so since I said I need to move forward right? Follow through?! Even though I don't want D and he "claims" he doesn't want D.
I do believe H is an alcoholic. We have spoke a little about that. But, right now I haven't brought up much of that because he shuts down. I thought the time will come when it needs to be addressed. Just hasn't yet. He does know I do not want a H who was/is doing what he was/is doing and he knows I think he needs help. He actually said to me a few weeks ago that maybe he should check himself into rehab. I agreed.
I have been in a slump for the last month. I believe I let his words hold me hostage. He tells me he wants to come home. I miss everyone,etc. But, yes, does nothing. I am holding on to hope based on his words and with how unhappy he is living the way he is. Just being honest.
Honestly, I feel if I move forward( I have already filed) I am giving up. Like I couldn't "hold out longer than the MLCer". I am afraid I will kick myself later and wonder why I couldn't have been more patient. Not saying this is right-just my feelings.
When he started messing with the finances(not paying bills etc) I did file to protect us.
I have no idea of what he would be like if he came back. I believe it would be a new M. Starting over and rebuilding. There are certainly things about him I do not like. Never did but not enough of a reason to D. I asked a few times to go to counseling. HE wouldn't. He didn't need it. I was the one with the problem(he said). So, I went. I changed what I could. HE did not. I often think I am the one who should have left-not him.
I haven't had to enforce or been able to any boundaries because we rarely see him. If/when I do- if he starts to talk to me in a way I find unacceptable I tell him and walk away. Otherwise, what other boundaries can I put up when you never see them?
My kids are my first priority. I am keeping them busy and showing them love and trying to handle this with as much grace as I can. I hope they see that.
I know I cannot fix him. Sometimes, I still revert back to that thinking but honestly - I know.
Part of my goal with waiting some is to get that marital debt paid off. He makes a lot more than me and I don't want to be stuck with half if/when we D. That has been my goal right now. I have one bill left. I am happy about that.
Yes, I do not understand the "buying time" game he plays. But, we never will. I think he truly is a sick man.
So, if I am to move forward with D- I will get that last bill paid then call my L and tell her to move forward. Or, I get that last bill paid off and live my life and detach. Detach being the key word. I would like to have some kind of time line but i also feel if I do that I am putting a time line on God.
