Wife just told me doesn't want to be married

[witz10]

I read through the divorce busting book. Have no use for it now. My wife is a therapist thinking I might give it to her to use for work. Good idea or bad one?

[MrBond]

A few things...

First of all, do you want to be M or not? Simple as that.

If you want to be M, stop going onto the hookup sites. You're lonely, have no self-esteem right now and feel the need for validation from someone else right now. Understandable. But it's not right. It's not fair to you and it's definitely not fair to the girl you might hookup with because you aren't emotionally ready.

Second, your sitch isn't the first one to involve another person. A marriage can heal from this, BUT it has to start with you. You've only been at this a month and you think it's hard. From what I've seen, you haven't done any of the hard work.

"I read through the divorce busting book. Have no use for it now. My wife is a therapist thinking I might give it to her to use for work. Good idea or bad one?"

If you think the DB book is just for saving your M, you've missed the whole point of it. It's about saving you first and a guide to how you should be living. It's not a step by step playbook to manipulate your W into coming back into a situation that hasn't changed.

If you're truly done, why bother asking if it's a good idea or not to give it to her?

FWIW, I and dozens of other guys have been where you are. We get all the feelings including the ones of having a revenge A. You might argue back by saying that you're only doing it because you want someone to share your life with, blah blah blah. But in the end it's because you feel like the love of your life has discarded you and you've lost your self esteem.

[witz10]

Thank you MrBond for putting things in perspective. I have been at this uphill battle since May 1 when I moved out. I have done everything that she has asked me to do. From couples therapy to my own therapy to moving out. All for the sake of fixing our marriage. YES I WANT MY WIFE BACK.
I have read DB as well as Good Husband Great Marriage and Getting the Love you want a guide for couples. I asked for this one from my wife. I have worked damn hard on changing and going back to the way I was before we moved to where we are now. I see my mistakes and I know what I need to do to fix what was wrong. I need her to realize this and see I am trying. But how can she do this if there is another guy there all the time and she is with him when the kids are not around.
How do I get over this picture in my mind?
These past 6 months have changed both of us but I can still see the woman I married in some of the photos I have taken at parties.

It feels like am fighting a one sided battle and I am losing. Is there a turning point? She is not filing so to me does she want to work this out if so ditch the trash. I don't know and that is the hard part. Yes my self esteem is in the tubes right now. The woman/mother of my children is in another mans bed and I am alone with my thoughts.

I would be happy to take any and all advise on how to proceed.
Weekends I don't have my kids I go out with friends to take my mind off this. Week days I don't have kids I go to the gym and lost 13pounds in 6 months. I am looking for another job to get away from family. What else is there for me to do? I honestly don't know. Yes I want my wife back and she knows I love her deeply.
To add insult to injury her birthday is next week over the holiday and she offered me the kids the whole weekend. This was before I figured out she was seeing this loser. So she has plans for her bday weekend. This is the first time in 12 years I will not be with her. What do I do with the presents I have for her from me and kids. Also the flowers I planned on picking up.

This is my life now and I hate it at this juncture.

M37 W34
S6
D3
M8yrs
S6.5months

[Telemark]

witz10, you need to slow down and take a breath. As Mr. Bond said, hitting the hookup sites is a big mistake. You are nowhere near ready to even think about another relationship, even if it is only to get your jollies. And I say that because I'm in the same place (read my story of woe).

If you want to save your marriage, you need to stop reacting and start pro-acting. The DB and DR books are for you to save yourself; saving the marriage is a bonus. But you won't get out of the gate if you continue to let your emotions dictate your actions.

Right now your W is not the same woman you married. Somewhere along the way she has decided she would be better off not married to you; the "why" of that is something you can't really address, because even she is probably not sure why. Is there an OM? I think there is; sorry to say that. And if there is, that makes this 10X harder...but not impossible.

You need to give her the time and space she feels that she needs. Any other actions will be perceived by her as pursuit or desperation, neither of which are at all attractive.

Regarding her birthday - I would simply wish her a HB by e-mail; nothing more. At all. No presents, no flowers...nothing. If you want to give her something from the kids, that is OK.

Regarding the possible OM...that hurts big time, and I really feel for you, witz10. But it's out of your control. Do not dignify his existence by mentioning him to your W and especially to your kids. As far as you are concerned, he does not deserve a second of your thoughts. When your imagination starts to run away with them, think of a big STOP sign and force yourself to think of or do anything else. Yeah, it sounds corny. And it works.

Do you know about "as if"? Act "as if" you've moved on. Be a rock for your kids, of course, but as far as your W is concerned, you've got a life to live and by God you're going to live it. Be kind to her, polite to her and do not engage in any arguments or accusations; don't let her bait you into that. If she chooses to join you in your life, she will reap the benefits of a new, strong, confident witz10 who has looked inside himself, seen the demons he needs to destroy and has destroyed them. If she chooses to walk away, it's her loss.

It's the only way of dealing with this that will see you through to the other side with your self-esteem, self-respect and - pardon the expression - balls intact.

[witz10]

Telemark Thanks. My issue with the DB book right now is we are pleasant to each other and get along just fine. She got upset that I figured out she was seeing someone thats when the walls went up. Other then that we were together with the kids this past Saturday all day and had a blast. It felt like we were a family again.
My attorney told me to put in the agreement that we should do counseling. I also know if it goes to a D the court can request this as well.
I did everything she asked of me to do. I am still looking for new work. That is the one thing I have not done which is leave my families business. All I am asking her for is to have a nice conversation.
I plan on having limited contact with her after next week. I will be taking my kids with me the weeknights I see them. So I will not talk with her during the week. I will see her on weekends I have to pick them up though, which is every other.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder I hope.

Do couples on this site reconcile?

[sandi2]

I read through the divorce busting book. Have no use for it now. My wife is a therapist thinking I might give it to her to use for work.

To save her clients' marriages? If you don't think the book is helpful to you, then why would you think it would help anyone else?

My issue with the DB book right now is we are pleasant to each other and get along just fine.

What???


When a man has a WAW in an A with OM, he should never do "everything she has asked". And, I think, in spite of what DB teaches, you have tried to do what your WAW wanted in years past. That doesn't work with her NOW!

Can I have your attention? You don't do that kind of stuff NOW b/c things are very different from what they were in the past. She doesn't like you. She doesn't feel any romantic attraction for you. The more you pursue, the more she's going to disrespect you.

All I am asking her for is to have a nice conversation.

No you don't! That's not all you want! You want to talk, and keep talking, until you talk her into leaving OM and going back to you. She knows that isn't all you want, "to have a nice conversation"! And, that's why she probably won't give you the opportunity.

This is the first time in 12 years I will not be with her. What do I do with the presents I have for her from me and kids. Also the flowers I planned on picking up.

How many presents did you get? Did the kids pick them out? Are they expensive? If the kids didn't pick them out or if they are expensive, then you need to take them back to the store. Give the kids some crayons and paper to make her a birthday card. Take a snapshot of each of them to put inside their individual cards. Let them make goofy faces, if they want to cut-up in the snapshots. (But for gosh sakes, don't make one that has you in the picture.) I promise you she'll love it! The kids will be anxious to give it to her.

You've got to understand that you don't get her back buying gifts (not even birthday and Christmas). You don't do it by giving flowers. You don't do it by trying to do everything she's asked of you. All of that is pressure to her. It's pursuing. She's involved with another man. When you do these other things, it will work against you having any chance at a future with her.

Do couples on this site reconcile?

Why yes! Yes they do!

[witz10]

By pleasant I mean when we are talking with about the kids or currently our agreement. At this moment we are not fighting or arguing.

Do I know what is going to happen down the line nope. Do I hope things get better and we have a stronger marriage after all this and she gets this out of her system YES. My kids deserve a loving household. Either way right now is about Me when I have my kids its about US.
I plan on less contact with her in the coming weeks. Instead of me picking up my kids from school and taking them home they will be coming with me to my mother house. This will limit my time with my wife.

As for the presents I got for her. Were bought over the summer and also picked out by my kids. I wplan on getting them to do some art crafts next weekend for her. As well as picking up flowers for her.

Yourlast paragraph does make sense. Thank you

[witz10]

I was depressed all day today and had knots in my stomach. Till I picked up my kids then everything felt ok. Until we left gymnastics and I knew I had to take them home. I got into my condo and felt antsy and nervous. The kids worked on some craft projects and I was getting things together for them for tomorrow. Got them to bed then sat and read a book. My wife comes home I grabbed my jacket she asked me a few questions gave her small short answers and left.
I am pretty much doing a 180 on her. I would usually sit and talk for a bit try to strike up a conversation tonight nope, and I feel good about doing it like that. I have one more week till the kids will be with me on tuesdays and thursdays. I figure the limited contact with her might help my situation. I am not calling, texting, or emailing unless it has to do with the kids. I let her reach out to me first. I am not writing to her or talking with her about personal things. We will see how this goes. I am talking with her attorney tomorrwo to give her my numbers for debt and so on. So a separation agreement is still in the works for finances. But at least for now it is not a D.
I feel better today then I did in the past two days. Also could be cause I have my kids this weekend.

[witz10]

I know i keep harping about my wife and i am trying to move on. My only question i have is how can someone who works with addicts be seeing one? I was coming out of my building tonight with my son and daughters weekend bag. One of the guys she drinks with had a cart he was using to get hia 5 or 6 cases of beer upstairs for him and the other two guya to drink this weekend. I don't understand it. Just had to vent.
Starting next week i will only see my w every other week when i pick my kids up on weekend visits.
I wish she would juat realize i have changed for the better and kick the trash to the curb.

[sandi2]

I wish she would juat realize i have changed for the better and kick the trash to the curb.

It won't happen that easily. Besides, you've got to make those changes become life-long behavior patterns. Any quick-fix method will not work.

When I asked you what your goals were, you answered with this:

My goals are to keep fighting for my marriage. I have been going to the gym for myself to lose weight which I am doing.

The second part of that was fine, but the first part needs to be broken down into smaller, attainable goals.

Can you list the changes you've made for the better that you want your W to see?