Thought it would be done by now...part 3

[25yearsmlc]

25-with all due respect isn't his behavior much kike the majority of mlc/was? Isn't even the alcol and/or OW just a bandaid?

Your h is an alcoholic. If I knew "why" he was, I'd have solved a problem that baffles experts. My father was a PhD and a lawyer and a brilliant and articulate man. He was also a raging alcoholic at night. I don't know why. I only know he suffered from depression but which came first, I don't know.


Why is my sitch really any different than others?

Maybe it's not. But what I see in yours are 2-3 things that are different than most.

The alcoholism is a huge problem you seem to minimize. That makes me think there are some other underlying issues you have as a couple and you personally have with co-dependency and denial...

Second, unlike the typical MLCer (Whatever "typical" means) your h does not blame you or lash out.

He cries and whines and plays a victim game that seems designed to keep you in place.

Whether that is emotional stuckness he wants from you, or legal paralysis, or both or what, I don't know.

But most of them want OUT of the marriage and get OWs and claim to be "happier than ever w/OW" and claim they found "real love with the OWs"

but you say your h does none of those things. And that seems to you to mean he's MORE likely to come home...but he has not.

But I'm no expert....see my other comments below for my other "random thoughts"...


I hope u know I truly value your advice but this is where I'm confused too. Financially we are stabilized now and getting debt paid off.


I asked you about this and now you are answering. It's not information I had before.

But there's still a lot of confusing mixed messages you send me. IMO you swing back and forth, and I respond to that.


He has already wrecked my credit. So aren't I just waiting but living my life hoping he emerges from the tunnel? Thanks

First, his wrecking your credit isn't much of an endorsement for waiting it out...but okay, aside from that....

I asked if you are fine financially now. So if you are, and if you want, go ahead and "then live your life hoping he emerges from the tunnel..."

now tell me, how's that going for YOU?

B/c Life2, you just don't seem happy to me. You don't seem at peace with the situation and you sure don't seem fine with "waiting til he emerges". You read into things he does and does NOT do...you obsess and often You seem panicky and very sad.

Also, unlike other MLCers that I have noticed

your h delays YOUR progress by crying about HIS situation, as I said above.

he plays a weird "buy time game" I have not seen elsewhere.

The fact that you are not attaching any conditions to his drinking bothers me. You rarely bring it up as a concern.

OW is a much bigger issue to you and to me, she's more likely the bandaid, NOT the alcoholism, which really is a lifelong disease.

I don't know his other issues nor am I qualified to assess them...but I'm sure he has some.

And I do know addicts and alcoholics and have been through a 12 step program myself and been the d of a drunk.
My father quit drinking a few times, and finally when he was diagnosed with liver cancer, he remained sober for 59 days, when he died.


Yes I did say that I, "25" would not wait past my internal timeline. We all have one, but we just don't all know when it is til it hits us.

In my case I had a goal of getting d1 out of high school and once that was done, if we were not reconciled, I would have moved on...or maybe I would change my mind ( I doubt it b/c I had met other men who were nice and attractive and attentive and not 3000 miles away).

You DO NOT have to do what I would do....but you sure don't seem at peace with waiting til he emerges

It's very possible you see signs I don't. Do you see signs of him emerging from the tunnel and moving towards reconciliation?

Do you see him reaching out to the kids more? OR taking initiative and getting things done to fix his life?

Back to YOU....Are you really moving forward in your own life?

It seems to me you are doing a lot of "waiting" for someone else to allow you happiness.

And the irony of it all is that I wonder what he'd be like and what YOU'd be like, if he did come home tomorrow.

Have you really given that any thought?

Have you focussed on your loss so much that you are not able to see objectively what has happened between you and him and the family? (We all do that, at first. THEN we begin to see that not all is well with the WAS and that there are things we are NOT in love with in them...and that maybe the "loss" also has a "gain" side to it.

You have not addressed that and I think you may want to soon.

How will he come back from this, with YOU, the kids, and or with HIMSELF

if he cannot bring himself to act in ANY direction?

He is either manipulating, or he is paralyzed.

But the ONLY thing YOU can do is control YOU. (Accept that, please).

You cannot fix him or make him act or feel or do.

Sure he's in crisis, and part of it might be MLC, part of it might be severe depression and some other mental illness

and or just selfishness ruling out in his life...or a pattern of deceit cumulatively exploding now...

IDK...

But from where I sit, does it really matter who like another mLC it is? I don't buy into the labels much anyhow, b/c there is NO evidence that MLCers come home more than others... YOU are who matters to me, and the kids obviously.

So-

IF you think you can do the waiting game forever, (or some amount to time) and not get hurt financially (and protect the kids )

then the only question you have left is,

are you helping things, by doing nothing?


That's all I'm saying, if you have asked the other questions and addressed those issues (money for the kids and their own sense of self esteem and not getting set up for dashed hopes)....then is it going to help or not?

How has it worked so far?

Last but NOT least...

Was there a pattern in the marriage in which you allowed or saw things that were NOT OKAY

but did nothing about them? IF so...where did that get you?