Beginning now...

[dl443322]

Sweetie, you are still so hard on yourself.

I know what it is to have everything on your shoulders. It is hard.

But you dont have to do it all. Your son needs to step it up. He lives there, too.

Why is it all on you? All your children should be helping, IB. They are old enough to be helping with shopping, decorating, cooking.

Keep the holidays simple. Make new memories. It doesnt matter what you buy, what you cook. What matters to them is that you are there.

[irishblessings]

Brookie -
I do see what you are saying - I am working so hard to realize and recognize that so much of this is temporary right now. My son is so angry right now and I get the brunt of it. I understand it - but it doesn't make the words any less painful.
I need to remind myself about the holidays.
Only a 2 day work week - so hopefully that will help.
IB

[AntoniaB]

IB what I think seems to be going on with you right now is really similar to what I feel---you are really going through highs and lows. If your life was on a chart it would go up a few days and down a few days, over and over, and I feel exactly the same way. It's like "high highs", "low lows", and the "low low" days are the days that I, too, think about the enormous responsibilities left on my shoulders while XH has removed all resp. from his life other than showing up for work 40 hours a week.

I think the good part of it is that it's a form of depression cycling but it's so FAST that you're not ever really going to be down in the dumps for too many days on end. Remember when the "lows" were like, MONTHS at a time? At least now it's not that at all.

And Brookie is right. Your kids are adults, and they need to help you out. I suspect that you were already supermom, and then you became ULTRA supermom when you were betrayed, and you need a break. Tell your kids that you have got to have their help, and if they are reluctant, then you just can't do it "all" this year, that you have to keep it simple, like Brookie says, and do the minimum.

FOR YOURSELF, you know what I think you should do? BOOK A MASSAGE. I don't know if you have ever done this, but now is the time. My girlfriend booked me one when I was in the lowest of lows and I'm telling you, it was worth it. It was the most amazing experience and one I will never forget, and it will unwind you and you deserve it.

[dl443322]

Antonia is right about the ups and downs. The downs will become less intense and less frequent over time. You cant hurry it up, it happens when it happens.

I understand about your son. My son was about the same age when it started.

I made it very clear that he can be angry. However, I set a clear boundary that he cannot be disrespectful towards me. And each time he took it out on me, I called him on it.

I told him that I understand that he is hurt and confused and mad. But it is not ok to take that out on me. I told him I am here for you if you want to talk, I can find someone for you to talk to or you can figure out a way to work through it. . But, it is absolutely not ok for me to take the brunt of it.

It took some time for him to get it. Eventually he did.

It is very normal for the child to take it out on the parent who was left. They feel safe to be able to show their feelings without worrying about that parent leaving. They also often don’t want to show the walk away parent how they feel. Their relationship is strained and they don’t want to add anything to make it more tenuous.

And you are right, it is temporary. He will get through this and so will you.

Do what you can for the holidays, let the rest go. If there is one thing I have learned from all this it’s that all the cleaning and laundry and all the rest will be there when we get to it. And in the grand scheme of things, what is most important is time spent together, memories being made, and the essentials we need to take care of. Everything else, not so important.

Hang in there, sweetie. You are doing great!

[irishblessings]

I appreciate the words of support - tonight was ROUGH! Son's season started and X brought OW to game and paraded her around hand in hand. Did this even though S asked him not to bring her around right now. I held myself together but deep down it was a very humiliating experience.

X asked the three kids to brunch on Friday after Thanksgiving - wants OW to cook for them. Kids have been hesitating. Finally our oldest said to him - "Dad, when was the last time the 4 of us were together for a meal or for anything. It was last Christmas. Do you think it could just be us this time?" X answers - "I hear you but it's really my choice isn't it?" D just walked away.

I hate this - I just want him to disappear. It takes too much energy to "hold my head high" and be "ok". Exhausting!

[beatrice]

On the humiliation issue, I understand how you feel, but if you can step outside yourself, and think about this happening to someone else, like a good friend, it might help. Actually in that case it is the husband you would feel ashamed of . . .

I felt humiliated about what was happening until I changed my focus. it is my xh who behaved horribly, not me. People being abused feel shamed and humiliated - it one of the things that abuse does, but actually no-one but the abused 'blames' them.

If your h was stealing from you, you would be ashamed of him, not of yourself.

Their insensitivity to their children's pov is extraordinary, but it really comes home to roost down the line, sad to say.

I know you are exhausted, and I can only reiterate, it gets better, honestly. The early years are the worst. you will heal and he will fall apart.

[irishblessings]

Thanks Beatrice - you are right and I know that's how the kids feel. I just have to get there and I will.

These kids are an unbelievable blessing and joy - not only in my life but in the lives of so many. They have the ability to bring light to every conversation - truly a gift.

And I get to experience it with NO distractions!

Blessed.

[irishblessings]

Happy Thanksgiving to my friends here - I am very thankful to have this site and your continued input/perspectives.

We had a really nice day. XH tried to make plans for the 3 kids to meet him and OW for breakfast tomorrow at his place. Kids said to him that they would like to be with just him - he told them it was his choice and he would let them know.

So today, he agreed to meet them for breakfast without OW

There's a great book I re-read recently and it broke down the narcissistic and sociopathic traits that accompany a WAS. It nailed X's disassociation with the family life we shared and the relationship we actually had. This is my 2nd holiday w/o X. I would be lying right now if I said that I don't feel that these days are "less than" they could have or should have been - but I am making the best of them. I sat outside for a bit today and realized that I do want to share my life with someone - I don't want to be alone - and I don't want my kids to think less of me.

And I don't want to feel like this anymore.

[seeking answers]

IB,

I clearly remember the early days after H left where he constantly tried to shove ow down the kid's throats. They were having none of it. H met with resistance every time.

For whatever reason, selfishness, the fog, just plain insane, the MLCer thinks that everyone should accept and be happy for them that they have this new wonderful person in their life. No matter that they threw their spouse and children away to be with this person. It's just further evidence of how deeply disturbed the MLCer is.

Two out of our 4 children have met the ow. S27 has not by choice, but through work functions. D13 went on vacation with her Dad and ow. It didn't go well.

H has given up trying to 'blend' ow into his children's lives. He knows not to even try anymore. Part of it is because the kid's don't want her in their lives and part of it I believe is because ow has lost some of her shininess.

Yes, after 2 years they are still together but the cracks are showing here and there. Definite evidence that H is starting to miss our traditions as a family during this time of year.

I've been able to step back and see some things as they are through detachment. I do still spin a bit now and then, but it is no where near as bad or as long as it was in the early days. I now participate fully in the holidays again as in the early days I just went through the motions. I refuse to cheat myself out of them just because H went off the deep end.

Yes, the responsibility for how the holidays come off is all on me now. You know what? I am proud that I'm able to pull them off myself. The memories I'm adding to my children's minds and hearts and my own have taken on an even deeper meaning. They're different now, but just as precious.

Hang in there IB, I promise it does get better. The holes do fill in.

(((Hugs)))

[irishblessings]

Thanks SA and Happy Thanksgiving! I do look forward to the time when I don't feel this heaviness of heart during the holidays. XH is still blinded by OW while the rest of the world just shakes their head at his blindness.

I was thinking this morning that I hope I am a good enough actress to hide the heartache during this time of year. The kids seem to be laughing and enjoying the times spent together. No real change in "traditions" - just a smaller group.

Hope to get house decorated over the weekend.