Confronted spouse...now he wont come home

[Nblost]

I am having another hard day. I was supposed to go out tonight with a friend but my babysitter fell through and I couldn't find another one on short notice. H did hear I was supposed to go out, so I guess that's good. He'll hopefully watch the kids on Wednesday and I'll try again.

H is in OW's city and my vibe says he was with her last night. After our somewhat good conversation on Friday, he was silent yesterday and is less warm today. He did tell me tonight that he was sorry that I didn't get to go out with my friend...but, it was hard for me to listen to him knowing he's been traveling 90% of the time and coming and going as he pleases and dating OW. (I have found evidence that they usually go out for $200 dinners together) He was in a restaurant when I talked to him. (He was alone...if he was with OW, he would have gone "dark")

The kids and I made pumpkin muffins for some neighbors tonight and the kids delivered them. (kind of a GAL) My D8 called H to let him know about it. He was then in the hotel workout room pumping iron. He asked to talk to me and we had a light conversation for the most part. However, then we got into our travel schedules for December and it sounds like he will be gone a lot again. I told him we needed to talk about his travel especially if he is going to continue to be gone all the time on the weekends. I know the way it came out sounded a little bitter from me. (but not as sad/bitter as I actually feel) But, honestly, being left alone with three kids for most of the past 3-4 weekends is getting old. (and I don't get any breaks during the week)

I just really waver between trying to DB and feeling like a complete doormat. He comes and goes as he pleases and meanwhile, I am here working full-time, taking care of the kids, and pretending to be happy around most of our friends/family. I know many of you on this board have been through this or worse...so I am just venting. I think I am more just mad about the unfairness of the situation...I would never do this to our family...but if wed both had chosen to have affairs and flip out...what would happen to the kids?

I am talking to a telephone coach tomorrow. I plan to talk to her about the upcoming Thanksgiving weekend and next steps. H was telling me last Friday he wants to talk and I want to be prepared with an approach. I think I need to primarily listen to him but I am scared that depending on where the conversation goes...that will be hard for me.

I feel like my anxiety and pain have gotten a little better recently, but it all just ebbs and flows.

I NEED to get into a more positive mindset by the time he comes home on Wednesday.

(The good news is, our kids ask him when he is coming home every single time they talk to him...they do a pretty good job putting somewhat of a guilt trip on him...although not sure how well it penetrates his fog)

Like I said, I just needed to vent my bitterness here versus at my cheating H! (I know I keep reading about people who are angry and bitter like me and how they break plates against walls instead of screaming at their Hs...they must not have three kids around! Not exactly feasible to throw dishes around!)