Learning from the pain....hard lessons

[25yearsmlc]

IS,

I'm one of those who thinks, given the givens, that you need to get out of the same house. So yeah, it's good she's leaving.

Um I hate to beat you on the head for this, but to be clear to ME and if it is, then for you in the future to SEE....

If you adopt again, do it in a place where YOU have real parental rights (NOT saying you'll lose in court b/c the best interests of the child OUGHT to get you some visitation...maybe see a gay advocate L if need be--definitely you need a specialist)

and you live in a home for which you pay half, or more?? ANd you are not on the deed...??

is this correct? IF SO, then I won't belabor it. I'll just say, "not again", okay?

Yes, having it right there all the time is too much for me emotionally. She texts for hours and hours to OW every night. I finally a while back started leaving the room, and going to my bed just to be away from it.

YES that's how it has to be for now. You have to retreat...it'll be easier when she's gone. She has nothing to miss with you there all the time.

The comment about OW's being less attractive or less intelligent than you, was the least attractive least intelligent thing you have said.

IS, I don't mean to hand you all these 2 x 4's at once, but you are repeating the errors and you asked for it, so knock that off. You are far too smart for that.

It speaks for itself. You only have what, 6 weeks left with her? That's 45 days or so...make them count.
Each one day that passes without a talk about ANYTHING other than son, is out, unless it's a topic THAT SHE initiates, and IF she brings up the r,
VEER OFF...there's no way it'll be a "good" talk. She'll simply rub it in more in the hopes that you don't get your hopes up and that's why she insists there is NO future and she is DONE DONE DONE....

so you are NOT to have any R talks. If you actually believe that it would prevent her from reconciling and therefore YOU must engage in an R talk, then I want to reach thru this computer and scream...

She knows how to reach you...trust me, she also knows how you feel.

What she does NOT know is how well you are going to handle things. She does not know that you will GAL and meet new people who are interested in YOU as a partner...

and she does not know that OW won't solve her issues. ALL r's take work. ALL r's get stale with time unless great effort is made to keep it fresh.

And s will miss you even if he also learns to love OW...which brings me to another sore point that must NOT be sore for you.

When I went back to work after giving birth to our first child, I worried about what that would do to him, and to our r. I worried about the day care provider. His first one cared for him a lot and cried when we moved. Then we got another one, a woman who cared for our son from age 13 months to age 4 1/2....and our d from 6 weeks to 2...her name was Shirley.

She loved our children. Truly she did. And they loved her. They still stay in touch at least annually. (One of her own sons died in a car crash so it's extra nice that she has our kids who remember her so well.)

Here was my take on it then, and what I hope your take on it will be.

Shirley was an additional affirming source of love and validation for our son. She did not "replace" me anymore than an inspiring teacher would. She was good for our children and we're lucky we had her.

If OW is half the woman you are, then s will be safe in her company. Maybe he'll think she's fun or pleasant or warm...though I fear they will lack that "effortless wordless emotional connection" b/c kids do like words...

(Kidding...don't freak!)

You will always be Mom/Mary or whatever the nickname is...don't fear OW's role in his life or you'll only highlight it. Focus on YOUR R WITH HIM...and only yours.

I think time is on your side in this...if you want it to be.

Til she's in the same place as OW for awhile, she won't know that OW farts or can't name a leader of either of the countries we're at war with...or the leader of France or Germany for that matter...or Spain or who just left Italy? Okay I'll stop...point made, right?


Hearing those words -- "I'm done" or whatever incarnation the WAS puts them in really do make one feel as if the soul is dead.


STOP THINKING THIS WAY...HAVE YOU EVER HEARD THE MANTRA HERE??
[i]"believe nothing they say and only half of what they DO." Believe nothing...
you know this!
[/i]
she'll be gone soon. Yes that's likely. But who cares what she tells you Now?

Why are you even having conversations that give her the chance to say these things?

AVOID THESE "TALKS" THAT NEVER EVER EVER GO WELL...

I'd look at her like she's goofy and stupid for repeating herself so often--who is she trying to convince????

Say "yeah w, I heard you the first 3745 times you said it....I'm NOT confused."


There have been times I was so low that I found peace by thinking of ways to commit suicide painlessly....(NO, I am NOT at all thinking of actually doing this --- the thing that keeps me grounded and absolutely not serious about it is S needs me-- so no worries from any of you---just keeping it real here.)

Thank God for kids...


I've had good days, I had a couple of great days, and I have terrible days. I keep trying to keep a PMA -- and one thing that also keeps me going is what you also said--- I'm out of my rut and I'm much more aware of how I act, the type of person I am, my character,etc....

You keep moving forward too, man. We'll see each other on the other side, no matter how the M's resolve or don't resolve.

YES you will. And I think your faith in.. some form of higher power ..has been re-awakened.

For that, you can and should be grateful. It's no small feat, Dare I call it a miracle?

It is Unfortunate though, it's usually very terrible painful things that get our attention, that only when we are brought to our knees, do we look UP.

Wish I could feel as grateful and close to God by finding gold or winning the lottery instead...

(Hey GOD! Did you hear me? i think that winning the lottery would be a GREAT TEST for me...instead of MLCs and WASs...how about that type of test? You know, see if I'm generous and all...)

IS good luck at the L's. And the bank. If you can't keep ANY of the house see if you can get some restitution from W...she'll love that.

If not, then plan your money WELL...and plan your life well. And get to Philly asap.

Seriously...you'll get to the "other side" light years faster...

((( )))