Feel like I'm living the movie Groundhog Day...

[workinghardguy]

Journaling... maybe early since the night isn't quite done yet, but we'll see. It's been an interesting weekend. More sure than ever that things will have to get stupid before we ever recon, if that ever happens.

Much of the weekend has been stuck in R talk, but not really "R talk". More logistics of our eventual separation talk. While I don't particularly want to have these conversations the logistics of life have put it front and center. With flex spending sign ups due in a few weeks we need to figure out at least a tentative game plan. So the weekend has been a lot of that BS.

We did work through things. I would keep the house. She would stay in town. I will have all the kids (SS and SD too) a few nights each week. She asked me to send her the budget spreadsheet I put together a while ago so she can see what the reality will be (she's never actually looked at hard numbers). She'd like to do this sooner than June, but financially that's just not realistic. I told her I absolutely won't put myself in financial jeopardy just to get her to the next chapter in her life. She's free to walk out tomorrow and start that chapter, but she'll get nothing from me.

I guess the only positive of the weekend is that we're at least back to where we were interpersonal relationswise. The last week has been tense in the house as her IC appointment approached. Now she feels more emboldened and "on the right path". But since I am simply validating and accepting she hasn't felt the need to be mean or spiteful.

She did admit tonight that she is feeling very anxious. Anxious about confronting her XH and filing for more child support from him. Anxious about looking at the actual budget numbers. Anxious about how the kids are going to react. I know she wants to tell them soon, but her IC told her no, wait until a month before. So that is going to eat at her... which is perfectly fine IMO.

And I just remain me. It's been a hard weekend... like arranging one's own funeral. Not a lot of GAL this weekend as plans blew up, but did go to church this morning. Sermon was about time and our relationship with it. It reminded me that I've been doing a terrible job lately of living in the moment. Too much in the past or in the future which brings nothing but pain.

I've been very reserved and even-keel through this. I don't want to fight or have hysterics... there's no point. It won't change the outcome and can only cause more pain and damage. I am angry though and I need to find a way past that. I need to get back to the compassion and forgiveness I felt a few weeks ago... not sure where that went.

W's cousin was talking to me today... she just found out about W's plans and is floored and heartbroken. I helped her and her husband buy their first house. Her and her husband almost divorced a few years ago but found their way through it. She said that W said that this is about her. About how she makes bad decisions and decides things for the wrong reasons. That getting married to me was about security and safety and not about love or passion. W said that she needs to keep getting counseling to fix that part of her. And to some degree she said something similar to me the other night. We were talking about whether we should continue sharing a bed. Our bed is huge and we can easily share it without contact. We've never been a snuggling type of couple, but by her choice not mine. And that's because she's not a snuggler... in fact she's just not good with close intimacy or touch at all. Not with me, her first husband, the guy she cheated on first husband with, or anyone. And she doesn't know why that is but knows it can't be natural or healthy.

So I'm not sure where I am at. Down I guess. Then again some things were at least discussed that have bothered me. Wishing things were different but knowing they are not. Believing more and more that any path to recon comes after separation. Scared for the kids and how they will react. Wishing I could spare them the pain but knowing I can't. It's hard being a dad and knowing you can't shield your children from pain. It's harder knowing that it's their mom bringing that pain.

Put up the outdoor Christmas lights today with my S. Usually I love doing it... marks the start of the season in my mind. Heart really wasn't in it... but they're up at least. First on the block... yes, I'm THAT guy