Putting it back together, but SSM issues linger

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Yes Nblost, she is challenging! She could definitely use her own counseling, she was going to an IC to help her to decide whether or not to divorce me. When the bomb dropped, she recommended that I just go to the same IC. The IC was shocked (!) that W was not coming back as she felt she had so much to work on.

It seems odd she is having affairs if she is so non-sexual. Have you asked what she gets out of these EAs or what she likes about herself in the EAs? I'm not sure if you guys are still discussing or if that would be opening old wounds. I guess I am pretty much living in the wound right now!

I'm not sure she's so non-sexual, from my reading LD is usually not caused by one factor even if that factor seems to fit. It's a mix of things including how she feels about herself, how she feels about me, the relationship, the kids, etc.

IC told me that she has real self-esteem issues and being pursued makes her feel better. I'm a bit confused by her "one night" bar night hookups. She writes that off to too much to drink, but come on, I don't buy that. She claims she had the wherewithal to prevent it from going to ML, but was drunk enough to kiss? I don't know.

What she got out of the EA was I believe connection, initally being pursued, and then the thrill of pursuing. At the time I believe she was convinced that OM was more compatible with her. I think she felt less competitive with him. She liked that he had no expectations. She said that it did not go PA because she didn't want it to, but from what I read when I was snooping, she was pushing it that way and OM got cold feet because his first priority was his W (he was cake eating).

I would like you to find a way to make yourself more attractive/mysterious to your wife. Although, not sure if she would take the bait. I just wonder if she has any competitiveness in her if she thought she was at risk of losing you. If you are just starting to piece things together, probably a bad time to rock the boat.

Good call! I wonder about this every day. Both my IC's recommended pulling back and being less affectionate / less expressive. Michelle says that a relationship is like a teeter-totter, when one gives more the other gives less. I get that, and I can do it.

Here's what I'm having the challenge with -- when I pull back, she freaks out. She will break down in a crying fit and say she's not able to meet my needs. She tells me I'm unlucky to be with her, etc. Instead of pursuing and feeling good about it, she doesn't pursue and instead just breaks down.

At that point I feel like I need to reassure her and build her back up, tell her everything is ok. If I was asking for something I get to the point where I tell her I can do without.
She has hairtrigger feelings of inadequacy, so pulling back has not worked.

The only other thing I can do is let her break down and NOT pick her back up, just say "I'm sorry you feel that way, but you're not meeting my needs" or something similar and let her deal with it. I'm afraid she'll withdraw and get angry / passive aggressive instead of stepping up. She's done that in the past.

She really seems like she'll do about *anything* to avoid stepping up. She's stubborn as hell, and it's almost just knowing I would like something is enough to make her not do it.

I really don't know how to negotiate this at all. I suppose if things continue as they are I'll eventually have "the conversation" with her, and at that point I guess I'll need to be ready to go if she doesn't step up. I don't know what else to do.

What tears at me is reading "Passionate Marriage" which really espouses the ability to "self-soothe" and not rely upon your partner for your emotional well-being. It says that relying on your partner for a "reflected sense of self" is destructive to your marriage, so the other thing I wrestle with is if I just need to back off, take what I get and be happy with it. I'm just not sure how to get there either.

I did like how SSM tried to suggest tying a happy sex life to things your wife values like the kids.

Don't remember this, remind me!

Also, at one point my H had a pile of sex books and it intimidated me...I felt like there was more to our problems than just sex.

Definitely, ironically sex is the area she HAS stepped up in terms of frequency, but like I say, she's dialing it back down again.

I have tried everything in terms of technique, toys, etc. to no avail. I eventually realized that was not the way to make things improve.

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