Thought it would be done by now...part 3

[25yearsmlc]

Okay. 25 had said stay the course! Isn't that what she meant? 25??

I said stay the course...yes, meaning protect yourself, and detach.

IF ----and I mean IF, you are NOT in financial danger now, and

IF you do not need to complete the divorce to keep the court ordered support in effect AND IF you would not financially be better off by divorcing

(b/c Sometimes it makes a difference and sometimes the WAS still uses marital assets or hurts your credit, etc.)

assuming all that, what is there to do?
You mean, Finalize it b/c you said you would?

IF it were ME, yes I'd do so b/c I don't think I could stand around waiting for someone SO unwilling to demonstrate any adult like commitment to our children or me or our marriage and I'd move on. I would also believe that at this point the only chance your h has of waking up is by not being enabled so much But I would only file for divorce b/c I was prepared to..and yes I think I would be.

But I'm not you. You have made many choices I would not have made, and that does not make you wrong. But at this point you seem really STUCK and paralyzed and I think your ego has taken too many beatings for you to see straight in some ways....I honestly don't get your confusion about him...

My h was gone 2 years, off and on. But there were none of the other issues you face.

ONCE i filed for a sep - it protected our home from some idiotic "Investment" idea of h's con artist heroes...and our bills were then getting paid.
He was 3000 miles away but would visit and those were challenging times.
But I knew I had an internal deadline at which point I'd free myself of him.

Til then, I felt safe enough to wait for the oldest d to graduate from high school, thereby delaying upheaval in their lives,

After she graduated, if we had not reconciled, THEN I'd have made my move.

But that's me and my sitch.


In your sitch, I would NOT initiate ANY contact with him.

Your L can handle any and ALL financial matters and legal matters. Your kids are old enough to talk on the phone so if he calls them, you say, "here they are" and you hand the phone to them.

He can tell them if he has a need to talk directly with you. Then you take the call.

If he repeatedly SAYS that he does "not WANT" the divorce,

you can say, "Maybe so. But what's been going on isn't fair to me. Your behavior says you don't want to be married to me."

And then get off the phone. You really want to know what I THINK is going on with him? Well, I could be wrong but

To ME, His actions say


"I WANT TO DRINK AS MUCH AS I WANT. I WANT TO LIVE WITH OW

AND SOMETIMES I MAY WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU TOO....

ALSO I WANT MY 'FAMILY GUY/DADDY FIX' WHENEVER I GET THE ITCH. YOU ARE TO HAVE NO EXPECTATIONS OF ME. DO NOT EVEN EXPECT ME TO SHOW UP WHEN I SAY I WILL OR TO FOLLOW UP ON PROMISES MADE A 100 TIMES...

AND YOU ARE TO BE THERE WHEN I AM SO I DON'T HAVE TOO MUCH RESPONSIBILITY, UNLESS YOU MAKE ME UNCOMFORTABLE AND THEN YOU MUST LEAVE OR LET ME TAKE THEM WHEREVER I WANT AND BRING THEM BACK WHEN I FEEL LIKE IT, AND YOU ARE TO BE GRATEFUL B/C I AM THERE...

BUT HECK NO, I DO NOT WANT A DIVORCE....

A DIVORCE WOULD MEAN YOU COULD MOVE ON AND MAYBE BE HAPPY WITHOUT ME,

AND NOT STILL PINE AND NEED ME SO MY FRAGILE EGO CAN REMAIN STOKED...

PLUS, OW WOULD EXPECT ME TO DO SOMETHING FOR HER, LIKE COMMIT, OR MARRY HER...AND MY EXCUSE FOR DELAYING THAT, WOULD BE GONE. SHE'D HAVE AN EXPECATION OF ME...AND I HATE THOSE...

AND A DIVORE WOULD MAKE MY 'DADDY FIXES' BE ON SOME SORT OF RELIABLE SCHEDULE AND I'D HAVE TO PAY YOU SUPPORT REGULARLY AND PROBABLY MORE....AND A COURT AND POSSIBLY OTHERS, WOULD OPENLY HAVE EXPECTATIONS OF ME...AND WHEN I FAIL TO MEET THOSE EXPECTATIONS, THERE WOULD BE CONSEQUENCES, AND I HATE THOSE...

OH, BTW, I'M MISERABLE...MY LIFE IS TERRIBLE...AND I WILL NOT CHANGE A THING I DON'T HAVE TO CHANGE."

So, you bet he doesn't "want" a divorce. But he also does not "want" to be married to you, or at least to have to act like he is.

If finalizing it would help you financially, then by all means do it. No brainer.

If not, then decide if you are prepared to declare this battle lost. NOT THE WAR, but the battle.

B/C living as you are now, seems insane to me.

Divorcing him just declares your enabling & participating in the insanity, over for you. Internally it probably makes it easier for you to DETACH and move forward,
although I'm not sure why you can't date now (but not with your kids' knowing. That's too much for them at this stage).

Why do you feel that YOU would be responsible for the demise of the marriage b/c you formally ended the insanity? WHY would it then be your fault?

You think if HE files, only THAT would make him responsible for the end of the marriage BUT NOT BEFORE THEN??

Aren't the reasons for the present day problems, (not years ago or what lead up to it)
that
*he's an alcoholic,
*actively having an adulterous affair

*AND who lives with OW and
*was not paying the bills til forced to
*AND who isn't the father he was or should be
*AND isn't the husband he was or should be?

First of all, He can always make a move towards you later if he wants.

Once he tastes the full freedom he ACTS like he wants, he can DO something about it.


OR before it's finalized, he can ACT like someone who wants to be married to you, and move out of or kick OW out of where they live.

AND HE CAN ATTEND AA...

But if you are content with whatever this is that you have, and the kids are financially protected, then do what you can to detach.

Just seems to me that you are not content.

And that means, what you know/fear it means, which is that You have to act.

Are you seeing a T? Sure think it would help you b/c you are a wonderful sounding mom, and smart woman

who somehow is blinded to reality, by THIS man....and I don't get it anymore.

It's not new. It's not different. (I only go by actions).

And that virtual PROVERB we have here is So applicable that it's obvious why it's the mantra here...

"Believe nothing they SAY and only half of what they DO."

what exactly are you confused by now?

If it's "Why" he's doing this, then I will really want to just stab my eye out!

It does not matter why and it's not answerable and THERE are no good reasons for it anyhow...so end that useless waste of time.

and move on, in some form, soon...life is short.
((( )))