Hey Tad, How's it going? Excuse me for not having a full grasp of your entire sitch for I may be missing a few things.
Have you read up on Emotional/Mental abuse, and Borderline personality diorders?
I say this because I do agree this is beyond MLC, and what it's done to you mentally and emotionally, and continues to is the most horrific cycle imaginable.
If you read up on this, yes it gives you more of a grasp of what's going on with her... BUT even more so, you're reactions, emotions, and the hold that her behavior has on you.
I realize with kids in the mix it's pretty impossible to keep NC.However by getting a true grip on NC ( as much as possible that is) will you truly get the chance for the fog and confusion you're under to finally clear, and get a new perspective of the situation. And it takes time, kind like an iceburg melting.
