So, now what?

[25yearsmlc]

why do you say he does not want you to bring another man into your daughter's life?

And why does he have any right to comment on that, since he's not available to be your partner?

Is he saying you don't need a partner -b/c that's true. None of us NEED to have a partner, and when we think we do, we send out that signal that we are NEEDY, and it's a surefire way to attract NO HEALTHY men....


What we do know, is that you do NOT need - a bad r - and that is what you have with him.

Not all men flee women with kids. I had 2 divorced brothers and they both told me that they knew in all likelihood, when they began dating again,
They expected most women they were going to date, would already have kids.
My brothers were in the late 30s at the time and most women over 30 have at least one child. So they expected to be step dads IF the right woman came along and, if that was the case, so be it.

They also hoped and assumed there'd be child support - so they would not have to take on other men's kids, along with their own.

In one brothers situation, that has not been the case. God bless him b/c he has supported his own daughters AND his 2nd wife's 3 daughters as well. Very frustrating but he's a bit of a hero to me and them...and she works too.

So all is not lost if THIS Cruel man is out of your life. On the contrary, good riddance. What is it that is good about him? You never said a kind word about him, just how you wanted him and came up with some "moral" justifications for him to stick it out with you and his one child, that don't make sense to me in light of you having other kids who don't belong to him.

What about them? They're supposed to like him as a step dad? He's bad enough to you...

Just get him to pay for his child and move along...you will be fine without him. Good grief, you're sure not fine WITH him...

are you terrified he's your only chance at not being alone?

I never really got the whole "terrfied" of being alone thing, but

the one thing I know for sure is, that "The one thing worse than being alone is,

wishing you were."

Besides, I have an older sister who had been married for 22 years with 3 kids, 2 still at home when Her h decided he wanted to be free and he broke her heart and left her/them. The kids rarely saw him by their own choice. He was irritable...along with other things.

She was in her mid forties. She remarried in 3-4 years, and I can honestly say, she is happier now than she EVER was or could have been with her first h.

Her first h was a taker and she's a giver.

Now she's married to another giver and in reality,

when her first h left her we siblings KNEW she'd be better off...eventually...but we felt badly b/c she had a broken heart.


Time did help and then when she finally felt ready to date, about 18 months after the divorce, she dated a bit and almost immediately was sought after by several. Then she met someone she found interesting and he was just crazy about her. How refreshing for her.

And in time, he won her heart. Her first h, DID regret his choice to leave AND he did something very unusual...

he told my sister he'd make a "huge mistake" and that he was sorry and that he "really f-- up".

She got to hear something most LBSers dont' get to hear but I suspect a lot ought to.

No matter. I asked her if she was tempted at all to go back to her first h.

She said, "I regret the divorce b/c of what it did to the kids. BUT, now that I'm in a healthy happy r, I'd never go back to what xh and I had...OMG - what a difference it makes to be with someone who really 'gets' you, and loves you, just as you are."


You are lucky in that you have three children who love you and you have a roof over your head. Do the fathers of your children pay child support?

Hope so. If not, then you must make them and that's only fair to the kids. It's not your money to refuse or give up on...it's theirs.


Also, I don't understand your other statement about having a "stable home life" for your newest child as a "family" with both parents IF her dad stayed with you in a r...

Your other kids would then have a step parent. What's so great about that? This man you seem fixated on, is not going to treat THEM well if he;s this bad to you.

Isn't your comment more about YOU just wanting this man? And isnt't there something unhealthy about wanting someone who does not want you?

Or is there some other issue you are working out in this negative relationship?

I have a childhood friend whose father never treated her well. He preferred her sister to her, and I witnessed the difference in how he treated her, versus her sister. He was a negative influence on her, although not abusive, per se.

As she grew up, she was a tad promiscous for a long time. She confused sex with intimacy b/c it was all she could get then...

She married 2 men in a row who were bound to reject her and they did. They were emotionally unavailable, talking so little it was like a challenge to engage them in conversation. She took their table scraps til the first h left her for OW.

She was devastated and married the first man to look her way. He cheated on her too and she'd have put up with it, calling it "working on the M' but he wanted out, and the more she clung and hovered, the faster he fled.

She remarried a third time, to a guy who treated her reasonably well BUT he had a brain tumor and died. Getting him through that changed HER for the
better.

Not sure why but maybe b/c Finally, she was not the needy one.

So he passed away and she went back to school. Got her RN and is now a nurse supporting herself decently. She got therapy and worked on her need for approval from men like her dad....men who would reject her. That "replay" that she wanted a different ending to...finally stopped.

She's in a good r now. Finally! And it is mainly bc she finally does NOT NEED A MAN in her life.

She loves a man and he loves her. There's no "dependency issues" , no need for his validation for her self worth.

Please read "Co Dependent No More" and see if it helps.