THE SHOW MUST GO ON

[TRUSTING]

Beatrice,
Thank you for your response. It was just not normal behavior. If I cheated on my spouse, I would certainly not flaunt and kiss the adulteress in front of the person I cheated on. The whole thing was weird and it really set me back some. I don't know what I was expecting. I just know that I did not show him that it bothered me. Yes, my ex is emotionally delayed. He never was before this though I must say. You sound like you have been going through this a long time also.

[forward]

So part of me thinks it is very intriguing that OW is uncomfortable. Because she should be!! I keep waiting for you to post that she is gone because she has certainly hung on with all her claws.

Maybe that is why X did the kiss and the family pics thing. Did you feel as if he was trying to get to you? If not, maybe he was trying to make OW feel better.

But if it is hurting you, you might want to think about this some. Maybe you are not all that detached. Maybe you need to be careful about what is going on here so you do not get hurt. Step back.

And just out of curiosity, as you chat, what does OW do? Do you speak to her?

[forward]

and one thing I can say is that the intrigue has got to be gone w/this chick by now.

[TRUSTING]

Forward,

Thank you for your response. It is so good to hear from an old friend. OW just stood behind ex as we talked. She was so uncomfortable and at one point complained to ex about something. That is when he kissed her. Ex was definitely talking to me more than her and that had to be rough on her. Also, my children really don't appear attached to her at all. They both were just hanging on me. It was ackward....
I have been thinking all day about why he tried to make me jealous. I think that was his attempt because he appeared to watch me closely during both attempts. Thanks for the warning about not being detached, I am not detached right now and I need to get back where I use to be.

[TRUSTING]

About OW, I ignored her completely, as if she did not exist. I did not even give eye contact. She is holding on for dear life because he is all she has. Ex makes a lot of money and she wants all she can get no matter who she destroys. She is pretty heartless in all respects. What blows my mind is that she is so homely. Never did I think ex would pick someone like that. She is in her 30's and looks way past 50. The last 2 years have aged her alot.

[AJM]

Of course it has Trusting. She should look older. Um, like maybe in her 40's or so right? Sounds like she didn't get that right though. LOL.

The thing is, she can't be comfortable with him. She knows what he did right? It's not a natural fit, so deep down she won't be comfortable especially when facing what he left - you and the kids. She "knows" she is not the kids mom, but likely doesn't know where to fit. And she knows he left a long term marriage/relationship - he may do it again to her. She doesn't fully have him, in other words, and likely knows that at some level.

You're right to not let it worry you. You are right to not let him get to you. And regardless of the reasons he did what he did, you do need to protect yourself don't you think? He can still hurt you and may.

For me personally, I do not want to be in any kind of relationship with anyone that I cannot express my opinion or view openly. I was married for 20 years + dated for 3. I know what you mean about how you are still connected in some ways. But I don't see how I would want to let myself be hurt by anyone that doesn't care about my feelings.

Try to keep some boundaries. He is the father of your kids, so you will have to deal with him. Making it pleasant is the best way if you can. That balance is needed and if or whether or not he is trying to get your attention is something you'll have to wait to see. I don't think that's it, but you still want a pleasant interaction so keep being kind and considerate and look for the opportunities to set your boundaries. To me, that's a healthy approach to any relationship.

My $0.04 worth anyway.

AJ

[beatrice]

Trusting - some great comments here. I hope this makes you smile - my xh told me that what helped 'destroy' his r with OW [who he still sees btw] was that he kept coming back to me, and couldn't commit to her. Even that was somehow my fault. Strangely enough I couldn't feel apologetic about this.

Like AJ said, the r started on a poor foundation. She is needy and insecure, and it is all 'wrong'. But please detach, Your XH is still working through his stuff, and we none of us need more collateral damage.

[seeking answers]

Trusting,

Here's my take on the encounter with your X and the ow.

XH gets caught up talking to you. I mean you two have a history and children in common, and you are at the concert of one of your blessings.

XH sounds like he's enjoying the conversation and then remembers, oh no, ow is sitting over on my other side probably getting more and more pissed while he's virtually ignored her, and he's talking to you about things she is not a part of. He kisses her, not to make you jealous, but to placate her because he knows if he doesn't do something he's really going to be in for a rough time when they get home.

ow's are a very insecure lot. They have a lot to compete against. Not only history and children, but memories too. I think once the MLCer settles in to their new life and everything that was once new loses its luster, they can't help but look back to what they threw away.

Your XH sounds like he has a ways to go, but being able to have a friendly R with you sounds like he is definitely progressing through the tunnel.

I agree, get back to being detached. Then you'll be able to sit back and watch the show without taking anything personally, as I truly don't think he kissed her a couple times to make you jealous, but to try and save himself from what was going to come later...

I will tell you why I view it this way. Last spring when D13 took a vacation with H and ow, D and H were talking about family history. D was facing H and ow was sitting apart and behind H. D said that she could see ow getting more and more upset. The ow was eye rolling and her face showed her anger while the conversation was going on. D said that she heard angry words exchanged between ow and H later on. D didn't know what was being said, but I figured it probably had something to do with the earlier conversation between D and H.

Get some more popcorn and keep living your best life!

(((Hugs)))

[peacetoday]

T

I agree with the others

Keeping a friendly connection with XH is nice
maybe move back a few seats, be a little mysterious and unavailable but cordial and friendly from a more distant stance

I also agree that in my relationships today, I would like to be able to be authentic..but I realize this MLC--is a tricky situation where one can not be open and genuine and realize that NO true relationship can be based on this ,so you can decide where and how much you want toput into it at this point..and as you step back and moew into your life, you may be affected less
this stage he is in could last a while..and sometimes the EA comes back to xw, but is that what you want because it will also keep you connected and not free to more forward
It is up to you
peace

[forward]

Trusting, I sometimes think 2 years is a significant milestone in a R. Seems that people either get married or break up at that point, unless you just drift because you are too lazy and/or uncertain or scared to do anything else, which doesn't bode so well for the future.

It will be interesting to see what happens in your sitch, because the OW has held on for so long. I keep waiting for you to say that OW is gone. And yeah, I wouldn't assume the kiss is about you. I would assume that he was trying to placate her.

I bet he would be in trouble if he didn't get "family pic." Except, of course, the kids aren't hers and don't even like her, if I recall? Can you say "Awkward family photo?"

I just think it takes incredible maturity and strength to forge a step family in general--much less when you helped to break up a M. Figure to be involved w/a M person, you don't have too much maturity or strength. I think the OPs wind up in the position of trying to deal with a lot of emotional fallout they didn't expect. They expect the LBS to just disappear and then they will step into the spotlight and get all the warm fuzzy familiness that the LBS had. But it's not possible to just erase people. The family that will constantly compare them to the spouse, usually unfavorably. Older kids can be downright hostile.

OW in my situation showed up at an event where my D was. And, well, since looked very young, she got stares. I noticed that X was embarrassed by OW. I mean, I figure they had to deal with that staring a lot. And when I was still friendly w/ILs, they told me X never spoke about the girl child.

In your case, he's trying to "go public" with her (although it sounds as if it's been that way for a while) and I wonder if maybe she has pushed and pressured for that.

I wait for the day the OW in your sitch disappears. I can tell you that when OW disappeared, I did feel quite a sense of relief as it is good not to have her around D any more. I noticed X still has pics of her up, and I hope to see those disappear, too.

On some level I actually felt sorry for X as well. MLCers can be so dense and emotionally driven, and then it's like "Hey, this wasn't what I planned." Ahem.