Upside Down

[workinghardguy]

I'm guessing folks were off GALing so the board was pretty quiet last night. I wasn't... I was just wallowing in self-pity, so sorry no one gave some insight yet.

A few words of advice... Do not pin hope on her coming home and anything being different. You're still pretty new into this world, but if you want go back and look at other sitches. You'll find plenty of scenarios like yours, and they never come back having had an epiphany.

Second, stop reading into everything. I know you want to see little clues here and there, but it will drive you mad. We've all been there and have all done it, but the faster you can let go of that the easier this will become on you.

The she says to me "Thank you for letting me do this" Odd in its own right because we never think of each other "letting" the other do something.

You don't, but she does now. She thinks this way because her frame of reference is different. An ex-wife would appreciate her ex-husband letting her do something like this. It would be a nice gesture of cooperation from an ex. Shortly after dropping the bomb my W would ask if I would watch the kids and tell me she didn't want me to feel I was dumping the kids on me. I was confused? They're our kids (well, S is and SS and SD mean a lot to me). Now I realize she had already checked out and so she didn't want me to feel taken advantage of.

I'm assuming your reading DR. If not, do that. I also recommend How to Save Your Marriage Without Talking About It. Fair warning that it won't actually help you... you're too far down the road, but the insights are incredible. There are great insights for you as a man and what triggers reactions in you. There are also great insights into the mind of the WAW. Of what it takes, mentally, for a woman to get where you W is. And how, once there, it's so very difficult to come back.

I felt oddly quite good. But for some reason it didn't seem to be just our interaction but maybe just that she was gone for a while. I thought about it all day and am not really sure which it was, likely both.

I'd say more the second than the first. Your world is full of stress right now. The main source of that stress just left for a week. Of course you feel better.

I want so much to hope something is changing, but I know she doesn't change her mind so easily. So taking something away from that is so hard when I'm scared to make assumptions.

Listen to yourself... you're right, it's way too early for any changes. Do not expect anything this soon... IF anything changes it will be months from now.

Understand a few basic premises... first, she has already left your R. She's not leaving, not contemplating, she's out the door at least in her head. You're working towards "if only I could get her to not decide to leave". This strategy will consume you and drive you crazy because you are working towards a non-existent goal.

Your goal has to be two-pronged. First and foremost you have to make changes in yourself that you want to make because this process has revealed things you don't like. For example, this process revealed to me that my temper has gotten short over the years and mostly at the children. I don't want this and so I'm changing it. It happens to also be something my W doesn't like, so it's a two-fer, but it's really for my relationship with my kids that I'm changing it. What is something your W doesn't like about you that you also don't like about you? Start there.

Second, you have to show her you don't need her. Doing this can theoretically make her wonder what she is missing and maybe consider coming back. But it also prepares you and strengthens you for being on your own.

Lastly... ease up on yourself. Your W is not a saint here nor blameless. She is the one proposing to leave, destroy the family unit, and take the coward's way out. Yes you have played a role, but that doesn't mean she isn't accountable too. I looked back at your sitch... realize your W is playing out her history. Her mom walked out when she was 11. How old is your oldest going to be? 11. Really? Maybe it's coincidence but I tend not to be a big believer in that.