A fork in the road - EA admitted by wife

[workinghardguy]

Peter... remember the "ending" is really just a chapter ending in the bigger book. You can choose to make it the last chapter or not, but a divorce is not the finale she thinks it is. It's only over when you decide you're done. When you decide, for you, that it is over.

I see your interaction as her pulling back even harder because she sees the mediator rescheduling as a strategy for extending things. This means you aren't willing to let go and let her be. I'm not saying you have to, but in all fairness you can't not expect some type of reaction on her part.

Why did you ask if she's going to work? I mean I understand the natural curiosity or just the oddness of it. If my W was scheduled for a shift and didn't go I'd want to ask too, but I don't think I would. At this point I'd just ignore... because frankly I don't really care. Go out, go to work, whatever... it's your life. My W is at a brew pub tonight listening to her new BFF's husband play music. It's very unusual for her to go out on a night when she has to work the next morning and get up at 5am. But when she said she was going out I just said "ok". I didn't take it up or point anything out.

And remember she feels justified in her A because of things you did to drive her away. I'm not saying this is true or correct, but it's her perception of reality.

FWIW, my W hates weekends too when she's not working; it's part of what's increased her drinking I think since she goes out with party friends in order to not be home and really what else is there to do in the bar.

We've been honest though and openly discussed it during R talks, though it's been me broaching that topic - I just can't ignore the 800 lb gorilla sitting in the room with us. I know she feels trapped and awkward and I feel extra pain and sense of loss. So I give her extra room on the weekends. I make a point to have extra GAL and be away from her. I work outside or in another room. If the kids are here it's better because it seems my W is fine when we're all interacting as one family... it's just when it's her and I or her, S, and I that things get weird. It's one of the reasons I've been trying to get our piano tuned... so that I can go in the back room, shut the door, and practice for a time. It gives me something to do away from her that I enjoy without leaving the house.

[Valeska19]

Peter,
I can't say that I'm surprised by your w's reaction. Some of this stuff is just pure script.

Unfortunately it could only be the beginning.. sounds like she moved from pressure to a little bit of venom.

People are going to tell you a bunch of reasons as to why she would do this: Guilt, anger, knows you'll put up with it...etc

And these all MAY be true.. but don't focus on it too much. When she is spewing venom, just do you best to see if there is ANY truth to what she is saying.. or if it's BS. If it's BS, let it roll off your back.

Eventually if it keeps up, some boundaries may need to be placed.. but right now it's too early to tell.

I see your interaction as her pulling back even harder because she sees the mediator rescheduling as a strategy for extending things. This means you aren't willing to let go and let her be.

I'm sure that's part of it WTG but Peter just said he's scared of w and his priorities are confused.

AND honestly - who cares what wife thinks??

Peter does not have the good state of mind he needs to be in when one is faced with the hard decisions that he stated above...and I remember from your thread Peter - you left out the CC stuff.

And again.. completely ok. But until you can get there - why would you jeaporadize your future - because someone is pushing you around - I just don't get.

I'm not trying to be rude or unloving to your wife.. I hope you don't think that.

In actuality it wasn't until I could actually deal with those feelings.. that I could be loving towards my w - and sometimes that meant boundaries and a little bit of tough love.

Your are really early in this process. And these things don't happen over night. There is a reason for that.

[NYCPeter]

Well it's 2:00am.

My W went out at 6:30pm - D9 has been up all night crying (she's been unwell and not slept well lately) - because of her CP she can't say what's wrong, but she's been on anti-biotics.

So I'm not supposed to say anything when W comes in? I've been up since 5:30am to leave for my job to pay for her lifestyle and she decides to party the night away and I'm the one left looking after the girls.

This is not right - not fair and she does not deserve me.
The friend she went out with this evening is not the sort of person who stays out beyond 12:00 - she actually feels an obligation to be home with her kids.

[NYCPeter]

Follow up from Friday night :

Warning - not DB friendly - and snooping...

Sat AM - I was angry, W asked what was wrong..

I told her that I didn't appreciate that she went out with her GF and then didn't come home until 3:00am - that D9 was up all night and that I had been up since 5:30am to go to work, not great co-parenting. I said that it seems she has other things on her mind than our kids (not nice, but it's true - she has been neglecting spending time with them lately).

I asked her where she went - she said to the restaurant where she worked and had a few drinks with co-workers and then gave a friend a lift home. I asked which friend - she said Carlos. I flipped, "you are using my car to give Carlos a lift home!" - yes he's just a friend. I said "it's a friend you had an EA with and possibly more". She said she just talks to him...

Later she asked about the mediator, I told her that I did not want to see the mediator until January - she could call her L if she wished but that I would instruct my L to delay until Jan, so we could have peaceful holidays and girls b'days.

She left for work - not sure what time she got home I was fast asleep. Now the snooping and discovery - woke up this AM and for the first time in memory, W's iPhone wasn't hidden.

Saw an IM to her mom -
"And now I have to work with the person who I want to be with, who doesn't want me. Life can't get better than this" - wow she's sharing the fact that she wants to be with someone else with he mom, I really don't get how her mom would support this.

Saw an IM to her friend -
W - "I hate myself - I am so upset, I don't know how to deal"
F - "I'm sorry - It will be alright"
W - "I've been such a fool - I hate myself right now.
W - "He wants to be with 22 year old - I have to let go - I have to move on - I can't believe it's been a year and this is what I get".

So - it's been going on a year and for the last 6 months she has been trying to end our M. I have obviously not said anything to my W at this stage.

I feel for her - she obviously had her head turned and is now being rejected by OM. At the same time - what about me, she has been blaming me for everything and an affair has been going on for a year. I had pretty obvious proof in the past - now this is conclusive.

She is working all day today - and tonight will likely be very cold towards me (due to my comment yesterday re: the girls).

[Accuray]

NYCPeter,

She is going to grieve and feel rejected right now. In my experience, this is when WAW is the HARDEST on you. They feel badly about themselves, are coming down off the high of their R, and because of how they've come to view you, you are the best punching bag they have to take out their bad feelings on.

You need to DB more than ever now, and believe absolutely NONE of what she says. You're dealing with an emotionally wounded person who just lost someone she loved. (Ironic isn't it?)

You will get though this if you do NOT make her resent you right now. Try hard!

--Accuray

[workinghardguy]

Sorry Peter... while the info doesn't really change a whole lot, it still hurts to see it.

Do you want your M back at some point? I'm seriously asking that and not in a harsh way. I think it might help you to do some soul-searching and figure that out. DB is a lot of painful work if at the end of the day you get a result you didn't want anyway.

At the same time, DB also works on us, doesn't it? It helps us see R sabotaging qualities in ourselves. For example... you were mad Saturday morning. But was part of that anger display a ploy to get her to ask what was wrong? So then you could feel ok in letting her know (she asked after all!).

I ask that because I know I do the same thing... heck, I did just the other day when my W deleted all the photos of us as a couple from her FB account. Was I hurt? Yes. Was my hurt all an act? No. But was part of my display a hope that she'd ask what was wrong so I could feel justified in putting it out there? If I'm going to be honest with myself, yes it was.

I should have either a) just dealt with it or b) handled it like an adult. Come to her, in a calm manner, and say what bothered me and why it bothered me. If a co-worker was taking all the credit for a project we worked on that's exactly what I would have done, so why do I use this passive-aggressive style with my W?

So while I'm still figuring out if I want my W back some day, I'm still going to follow-through on DB. Because really, once things get to the point where we on this board are at, it's not about saving our marriages. They're dead, let's face it. It's about saving us and a better us. If we do recon then it's a new marriage, the old one never really can or should be saved.

[Accuray]

Well put WHG, I have also caught myself "displaying" my unhappiness for W. This is a way couples communicate, although it's not a very healthy way in this case.

I've debated if I'm really trying to catch her attention, or if I'm just sad. Here's where I've landed: if I wanted to hide my unhappiness, I could, so if I don't it's for a reason.

Working on that!

Accuray

[Hopeful321]

Accuray--if you don't communicate to your wife about your feelings, how do you expect to move forward in your marriage? But do it in a nice way. Because if you hold your feelings in, you are going to start building resentment against her.

[Rick1963]

Sorry you are going throughout this Peter. I think our Ws know how we feel we need to let them go through their own pain. I think this accomplished by giving them space so they can face the reality of what they are doing and the consequences. I think if we keep reminding them of their actions we become the focus and the wall goes up again. I am keeping busy so I don't obssess over my sitch that helps me feel ok. Hang in there

[NYCPeter]

I really don't know whether I want to be married right now.

What I do want is to spend as much time with my girls as possible.

The fact this has been going on a year has shocked me to the core. It all makes sense - she wouldn't have asked for a separation 6 months ago without a backup plan. The whole "I need space", "he's just a friend" - it's all so cliche, honestly.

Now her backup plan has collapsed it's bound to be a lot more uncomfortable for her. But do I want to be 2nd choice - even if she does want to work at the M some time in the future (she's not given any indication she wants to).

It may be selfish of me to say this - but I'm glad he's done this to her, guess what W - you wanted someone 10 years younger, well so does he. Guess what W - if you can cheat on your H he can certainly cheat on the person he's having an A with. Harsh - maybe, but I took action to make myself a better person and work on me and our M - W decided to pay for a hotel room and continue an A with "C-Dawg" while I am at home with the girls.

I'm glad I've been DBing - it's made me a much better father, husband and person.