Peicing and hoping I'm doing the right thing.

[MynameisMZ]

FreeBird, This is what we meant when we talked of the shenanigans. I do know what you are going through. My H would ML to me, tell me he wanted us, and then the next day be with ow and telling her how crazy I was.

H just walked in on my response to you. So I told him I was helping out someone who had been through this. I just asked him what it was that got him away from her and his response, "Your intensity, your determination, your willingness to step up for our R and overcoming ....I felt wanted, I felt wanted, adored..."

[FreeBird0120]

MZ thanks so much for your response. And thank your H for answering that question. All I can pray for is that my husband will get to the point your H did, and realize what he has. I mean he is trying very hard, but for some reason I just can't put full faith in his efforts yet.

I still have not and will not bring up OW, but I have to say that there are those days where I just want to throw in the towel. Some days it's so hard to even look at my H. As much as I love him, this last 5 months has been agony and torture for me, and there are just days where I question why I'm still enduring so much pain for someone who put me last for so long.

Last night I was a little distant with H as it was one of those days where I was thinking to myself "FB...what are you doing? Why are you allowing this kind of behavior?? Aren't you worth more then being treated in this manner??" I had to put up the stop sign, and get those negative things out or my head. I wasn't cruel or mean to H, just a little distant. He called me quite a few times yesterday for no reason, and then when he got home last night was extremely attentive and loving and affectionate. I didn't push away his attempts, but I could feel myself inside wanting to squirm away from him. I didn't, I was affectionate back, but I just felt wrong about it. I don't know if it's because I know about H and OW sexual conversations that had continued up until D and I left (which was only 2 weeks ago), or if I was just worried that H and OW are still talking and it repulsed me to have him touch me in that manner if this is the case. I don't know for sure like I said whether H and OW are still in contact, but given his track record the last 5 months if they are it wouldn't surprise me...

How do I get past these feelings??

[MynameisMZ]

I went through a period of being repulsed as well. I no longer feel that way, but I sure was afraid that I would continue to and ....well...it's just not that way anymore.

WAS get themselves ensconced in something not good, evil enven. It's like an addiction; they keep doing it even though it doesn't feel good and they want to stop. I had a lot of women here come and tell me that their Hs did not want to hurt the ow feelings....eye roll.... In our case, he just wanted her to go away as quickly as possible and not sue him or his company. Damage control I guess....another eye roll.

[FreeBird0120]

Yeah that's what my H keeps telling me...He doesn't want to be a JERK..."I'm not the kind of person who can say thanks for being there for me at I time that I felt I had no one, but I'm working on my marriage now so don't call don't text..." EYE ROLL!!!

What bothers me is that he doesn't want to be a jerk or hurt OW's feelings, but what about mine?? What about our D11's feelings whom unfortunately overheard a conversation and now know's about the OW and wants to tell her off. But no, as long as OW's feelings are okay and intact who cares about anyone else...

It infuriates me!!

[oldtimer]

I'll end the suspense....

H and OW are almost certainly in contact. If not, he'd tell you that he very clearly put an end to contact. Instead, he is saying that he doesn't understand why talking to her is a problem.

What is the possibility of one of them changing jobs? Is it possible for him to completely avoid seeing her/speaking to her at work?

Disrespecting you and your family, not putting his family first, not clearly ending things with OW, continuing to act like OW's friend is being a jerk.

Politely and firmly and clearly stopping all contact with OW in a transparent way is not being a jerk.

OW engaged sexually with a married man who has returned to his family. It is unreasonable for her to expect him to continue to act like a friend toward her. It is not mean to end contact. It is the best thing for everyone. So, if H wants to be a decent guy and not a jerk, that is the thing for him to do.

In your place, I'd first try some compassion -- it must be very hard for him to end that R, very painful, and he doesn't want to hurt anyone. But it is not being a jerk to firmly end an inappropriate R that hurts his family.

Then I'd set a clear boundary. I'd tell him his R with OW at any level does not work for you and you will not accept it. She is not a friend to your M, the two of them had an inappropriate sexual relationship and an emotional affair. It is time for all contact to be stopped in a transparent manner. His job is to find a way to do that without being a jerk.

But, only set that boundary if you mean it.

And, don't doubt your intuition, it is probably right.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

I agree with oldtimer.

Not much of a surprise there. OT always has good advice.

Caveat: Intuition...while it usually is right, be careful with accusations without some sort of proof. There is a fine line when you let your inuition run unchecked and paranioa.

[FreeBird0120]

Thank you OT and J3B:

He insists that they only say Hi in passing or talk about work related things only...whether this is true or not I guess only time will tell.

I am trying so hard to be compassionate about this with him. But compassion vs. distrust don't usually go hand in hand, so it makes it very difficult.

The possibility of one of them changing jobs is slim, however, husband is trying to start a business which will hopefully enable him to leave by this time next year...so I guess I have quite a while before I feel comfortable about them not seeing each other every day. That's if I end up not being able to withstand this any longer...Like I said I don't know for sure whether or not they're still in contact, and H can tell me until he's blue in the face that they aren't other then hello's in passing, but I'm not sure how much more I will be able to handle. I'm trying to stay so strong, but this is agonizing...

[ncl]

I agree with OT about setting the clear boundary regarding no contact with ow. However, as transparent as he can appear to be - phone records, email passwords, etc - if they really want to be in touch, they will find a way. He can set up another email account or get an additional phone without you knowing. I'm not saying this to add to your stress or worry. Its just that knowing this, you have to decide if you can live with that possibility, if you trust him enough to not constantly worry about or accuse him of cheating.

I think what you really need right now is TIME. It's still early in your sitch. See how things progress over the next few weeks and months. If you do not believe that he is remaining faithful to your boundary, then you might to change your strategies.

[MynameisMZ]

FB- This is the hard part for you....stay strong girlfriend and stick to your DB strategies. The A is now exposed, H is moving away from ow and towards you. H says he wants you and your M, is affectionate and attentive. This is positive. He may be confused and still a bit foggy. He'll need time to get her out of his system. She will fade away.

IF they have contact, ignore it and, "shame on him" as my IC used to say to me. I too was worried they were still in touch. You are the better option, you, your D, the whole package.

....And the ow? What kind of person takes up with a married man? ....and she's attracted to someone who is behaving badly?

Later on, down the road you and H will be able to look back on this whole thing and put it together and then to rest, but for now....it's early and you just have to hang in thee, make your boundary intentions clear and be strong! Get a clean and simple plan and focus on what you are moving toward.

When you feel better and it doesn't hurt so much, then you and H can start to look at what needs repair in R and make those changes for each other.

[MynameisMZ]

My GALing and 180's:

-To not shove OW and their past in H face.
-To be supportive and loving towards H.
-To thank H often for his efforts.
-To continue on my path of self improvement physically, mentally and spiritually.
-To be the person I know I can be and that my H will love coming home to.

Clean and simple~ You got it!