Youngster Questions Reality, WAW Moves On...

[westcoastfella]

I really appreciate the replies, everybody. I hope that no one minds if I simply make a series of replies in one big post.

Your W has behaved in a very insensitive and cockeyed way - not just the semi-appropriate apologetic way a woman who has cheated on her spouse because of lack of love might behave, but in a vicious destructive downright MEAN way. And that doesn't speak well for her character. Ask yourself, is this the woman you want by your side in the future if life throws you a giant curveball like, say, a kid with leukemia?

Sadly, I used to think that the answer was yes, but I'm slowly coming to realize that perhaps the answer is no. If this is the way that she chooses to resolve problems NOW, I would hate to see what she would be capable of if we had kids. I am so very glad that this is all happening now before any of my future children could be hurt by it.

I think that the two conflicting feelings and ideas are really useful for learning something powerful about yourself. Ambivalence is uncomfortable and can lead to overthinking, but I think learning to see things in all their shades of grey (but objectively as you can) is a good thing.

I'm glad that you brought this up. As a classic overthinker, my sitch has tested my limits. Overthinkers like to have everything in black and white, but a sitch like this brings so many unanswered questions and shades of gray to the table. It has been healthy for me to just accept life's gray areas and go with the flow as best as I can (as I imagine it has been for you).

I would say that I wonder if pursuing a new R at this time is in your best interests...I think the idea of really exploring what it means to be a single person is also very healthy after a breakup of a long term relationship or marriage.

I'm thinking that you're right in questioning whether or not a new R is in my best interests. I feel like it would momentarily serve as plug to fill the gaping void that my W left, which isn't a very healthy reason to build one. Also, I like your suggestion about exploring singlehood. It has been extremely helpful to my growth as an individual to be unattached and free to grow unencumbered during this time.

I would only add this, and it is only from my perspective. Would it be fair to another person to enter into a relationship with them at this point?

Unlikely. That's probably the number one reason why I haven't pursued a new R. As much as I've entertained the idea of even a casual R with someone, I'm very afraid about breaking any hearts or slipping into something more serious when I still have very strong feelings for my W. If I'm going to be in an R, I'd like to feel that I would be able to put my whole heart in it.

I wouldn't spend a lot of time on your wife and wondering if she has a mental problem or is in a MLC...she's probably just finding herself in her 20's. I think you will just waste more time if you start to think she is "sick" and thus you owe it to her to try harder. If she comes back, great...if not, I would bet you'll be in a better place. Work on yourself and GAL for you!

You raise a very good point. My wife is pretty dang young (despite the fact that she often acts as if she is SO much older and SO much wiser than I am. Yeah, 2 years makes all the difference, doesn't it? ). It's very plausible that she just had some wild oats to sow or needed some degree of "living" before getting locked into M. Unfortunately for me, I'm not sure if I'll ever really know why she did what she did. Probably better if I don't waste time trying to find the answer.

I guess that I'll have to just keep going with the flow and taking one day at a time. Much of my heart still desires my W, but my head is starting to tell me otherwise. I guess we will see what happens. (The future lies ahead, right?)

On a GAL note, I went to yet another write-in. This one took place at a public library in a nearby town. I sat next to my W's old friend who was once again very nice to me. We conversed about what we've been doing recently and joked around quite a bit. There were quite a few people who turned out, and we had a lot of fun. I wrote around 4300 words -- finished my word quota for both today and tomorrow, and managed to nip into Monday's.