Putting it back together, but SSM issues linger

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Thanks Nblost,

This is super helpful! I really appreciate you taking the time to help me with everything you have going on. I will try to answer your questions below.

I know you are venting the bad stuff and I'm guessing your wife has some redeeming qualities around being a good wife and mother. I'd try to build her up around the things she is doing well.

Yes, she is a wonderful mother and I love her very much, that's why this is so painful for me. I really just want to see her happy, and it's frustrating that I don't have the ability to provide that for her. I'm very attracted to her, I like talking to her. On the occasions when she IS happy life is great. Those times are unfortunately far between.

-Does your wife have close girlfriends? I had lost touch with most of my friends (blaming it on 3 kids and a H who works/travels a lot/moving 2,000 miles). If she doesn't, she likely feels bad about it...so I wouldn't push her to do things with other women (women are all so busy at this stage of life it can be hard to find people to connect with regularly). But, recognize she may be missing getting emotional support and happiness from friends. Maybe there are times when she has chances to do things with other women and you can be more aware of jumping in to help with the kids, etc.

She does not have close girlfriends. She has had difficulty maintaining friendships with other women and I know she does feel badly about that -- funny you guessed. When she does go out with friends I am very supportive with the kids. I truly do try to encourage her to go out and have fun because I want to see her happy! This has obviously backfired on me as she had some bar night hookups on women's weekends in the past, so now it makes me more anxious, but I still encourage her to get out.

-I'm somewhat insecure underneath a very successful career and life. I've always had a few issues with my body (which my husband thought was insane) and it bothered me when he touched me in certain places or in certain ways. I'd find subtle ways to tell your wife how beautiful and attractive she is.

Agreed, although it makes my wife crazy when I compliment her looks. She has a HUGE chip on her shoulder about being appreciated for her looks alone. This morning I told her how good she looked and she shut me down hard. I was thinking "I've been with you for 17 years, we have 3 kids together, and I stayed with you after you cheated on me multiple times -- would I go through that on the basis of looks alone?" -- obviously I didn't say that. I don't know how to be subtle enough not to set her off.

-Does your wife ever have orgasms? I didn't (through several boyfriends) until I was "on a break" before I met my husband. I focused on seeing if I could bring myself to orgasm...for me, it works well to read erotic stories. I also kind of like porn and get turned on by it. I usually have to bring myself to orgasm when I'm with my husband...but he can get me there sometimes. I don't think it's the end all be all to ML, but if she's never had one or doesn't have them in front of you, I would bet it bothers your wife a lot. I knew I was one of just a couple of my friends who wasn't having orgasms in college and it bugged me. I think those bad feelings then flared up more in my marriage when my H said I was LD and he felt I "just wasn't a sexual person".

Right again, she does not have orgasms. She told me she never has with a man and I believe her. She says she can have them when she masturbates, but she only does that about 4 times per year. She claims it does not bother her at all -- not even on her radar. Even talking about sex with her makes her upset. I have asked her multiple times to tell me what feels good, how she likes to be touched, how to make it better for her, etc. She will not say a thing. She gets angry that I ask. That's why I have no chance of getting her to a sex therapist, she's not interested in changing this aspect of herself at all.

-It's great you are putting things back together and I'm not sure how you try to weave in more counseling...but I wonder if your wife would benefit from seeing a sex therapist. Our MC is also a sex therapist and he had me fill out a questionnaire for him on my sexual history. The power of that was that I filled it out and wondered if my answers would highlight how I am "not a sexual person". Nope, our therapist told me I seemed very normal. For some reason, this was very freeing for me to learn. If we can get back to MC, I'm excited to see what he can do to help us.

No chance. I've been reading "Passionate Marriage" which is all about how great married sex can be, how it parallels and reinforces the health of your marriage overall, etc. It's very frustrating that my W is not interested in going down this path with me. She read "The Sex Starved Marriage" for me and has agreed to increase frequency, but she makes it clear that she's doing it "for me" versus with me. When I told her I enjoyed it she says "I'm glad you liked it" versus ever saying that she enjoyed it to, that anything about it was good for her etc. I'm not a selfish guy, I don't know why she's passive aggressive about it.

-I'm trying to survive my H's A right now. I think because I'm deep down so hurt and vulnerable...I'm more sexually charged than ever. (H has noticed this). He hasn't had sex with me in about 6 months and I really miss it. I'm not suggesting you have an affair (please don't!)...but it sounds like you and your wife were starting to establish a routine that somewhat worked for her. I wonder if you could work with a counselor to come up with a way for you to tell her you need more and how serious you are. Also, try to take some of the pressure off like SSM recommends.

Yes, I have tried taking the pressure off. We were doing well for a while but now she's starting to space things out again and is more and more dis-engaging. She won't kiss me as much, no passion, etc. I'm getting to the point where I'm going to insist on counseling. The problem is that whenever I indicate any dissatisfaction with anything she really beats herself up and makes me feel terrible.

-I think the more you can encourage your wife to find herself and do things for her...hopefully she can be happier and build self esteem. I know being a mom can be a sex drive zapper...looks like you guys are in the thick of it like we are.

Not sure if any of this helps, honestly, if my H and I try to reconcile, I think he'll struggle with some of the same things you are. I wouldn't be surprised if we go through low points where I am not feeling good about myself again. I do think going through the "crap" we are going through makes one more open and maybe your wife will eventually be willing to open up and lose more control.

Hang in there!

Thank you so much Nblost. I'm really at a loss for how to go forward with some of this. I realize I cannot change my wife, and that most of this is out of my control. At the same time, I've made so many changes in my approach to the marriage, it would be great to see a little effort on the other side. I really think she'd be a happier person overall if she would engage with me, but so far, she's unwilling.

Any other insight or suggestions would be most welcome! I'm willing to do whatever it takes.

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