Feel like I'm living the movie Groundhog Day...

[workinghardguy]

I don't know so much that it's torturing myself as it is simply grieving for what is being lost. Like watching a friend slowly pass away. That's what is hard.

I've moved past the begging her to love me part. I only did that a bit at the beginning of this mess, and even then it didn't feel right. I have more pride than that. Though before, during our M, I begged in other ways. This whole adventure has taught me many things, but a big one is how I begged and how to not do that. So that is largely gone for me.

I know my W needs to feel the pain and impact of her decisions, and she will in due time. My concern from her stems from her being the mother of my son. Whatever I may feel about her can't change that, and he loves her deeply. So while I stand for my s, it creates an odd interplay with her.

Throughout this my W has been a bit different of a WAW. She isn't running to some awaiting OM. She doesn't text and message some other guy constantly. Sometimes I think it would've been easier if she had an OM. If she had just picked up and moved out at the drop of a hat. The way we're doing it seems so tidy and organized. Like arranging one's own funeral.

I'll get past this... this morning was just the death of a hope, which is always a tragic event in any circumstance. I just sent an email off to our squadron's operations officer asking him what he thought it would take for me to finish out my private pilot's license so I can step into the world of flying search and rescue missions rather than just pounding it out on the ground all the time. That will part of my post-R life. Just have to keep on getting there I guess.