Really Needing Advice ....Encouragement

[forward]

I have been seeing a good man for over a year now. I did try hard to look at the R w/X before I dated. I also waited 3 years before I dated--about 6 months after D but after 3 years of separation.

Are we ever "over" a situation like the ones we went through? I guess sometimes I wonder if I moved too fast. X still pulls at my heartstrings at times. But I am able to look at R more objectively now and am not sure I could imagine it being rescuable--if X even showed a flicker of interest, which he doesn't. As it is, he has seldom even showed much respect. I recognize that a pull towards him might not be very healthy for me.

I think it is important to learn to be alone. It is a good life lesson. Then the idea of abandoning a R is not so scary. In life we must do many things alone. I am an introvert so being alone is not too hard for me. In fact, early in the crisis I WANTED to be alone. Gradually I began to feel ready to socialize.

There is a lot to do alone!

I watched movies that *I* wanted to watch.
I went out with women friends to some rather wild events, I might add.
I befriended other families that did not have extended family around. We do a lot of things together even now.
I am not religious but found a church where I was happy.
I exercised a lot. I can't recommend this enough. It gets rid of depressed feelings AND you feel fabulous about yourself.
I journaled.
I volunteered.
I took long peaceful bubble baths.
I bought beautiful clothes and made myself over.
I worked on learning how to cook.
I thought about changes in career and took steps in that direction (although I haven't done this quite as I had hoped).
I focused on my child.
I took lessons in a sport I wanted to learn.

My wonderful boyfriend is giving and loving, but it is Saturday night and we are in our respective homes. Why? We like the space, too. We have gradually spent more time w/New Guy's family, but I think New Guy and I have been careful and moved slowly. And we went out last night and now it is a quiet night for both of us. We will talk later. We will also read, write, watch things we want, sleep in, I will go to church tomorrow, etc..

I am glad we did not move in together at this time. I think it is healthier for everyone involved as we gradually learn more about each other and each other's families. I would prefer for a move to feel comfortable for us all as much as possible. When we have spent extended time together, it has boded well.

I am not sure what the future holds for us, but frankly, while I wouldn't be happy with a breakup, of course, I'm not sure I could see such a thing as being as devastating as it was w/X. Not because I do not care about New Guy, but because I am more comfortable with the idea of being alone. And as others say, I even WANT it at times.

Do not look to this guy to make you happy. It is not fair to him, and you will deprive yourself of some valuable life experience. Make yourself happy. Make yourself a happy life.