Feel like I'm living the movie Groundhog Day...

[workinghardguy]

Thanks Rick. Wish I could pop on here and say this morning was just a bump in the road, that I'm back on track... but I can't. I feel like I've been in a fog all day, almost like it's bomb day all over again. I guess I had been putting more hope in the counseling than I realized.

But it is a different type of fog. Just a profound sadness, not a terror or panic like bomb day was.

I go back and forth on the setting of dates. I remember what is what like never knowing if tomorrow was the day. Waking up with the uncertainty each day was debilitating. At the same time, having a date makes each morning a melancholy experience since it means one more day closer.

My W is too pollyanna about all of this. She knows she will be suffer and it will be hard for her. But I think she is discounting the impact on the kids. That's the part I feel most sad about... knowing the hurt that is coming their way and being helpless to stop it. It's like watching a slow motion car wreck, and in my case a car wreck that takes months to happen.

I'm actually not worried about me after the D. I'll be lonely at first, but I've always been ok alone. If given the choice between hanging out in a bar or hanging out alone I'll often take alone. I have my hobbies and friends, and I'll be fine. Financially I'll be more than fine. I've already started looking at the places S and I can go and do. Things we wouldn't have done as a family because the cost of taking five is too much, but taking two is much different.

I am sad because I do love my wife. I am sad because I am afraid for her and what will happen. I look at nine's story and realize that could be my W. I can see hospitalization and trauma in her future. I'm not saying it will happen, but it certainly is a possibility.

There have been some ways that I'm not detaching and those end today. I have to let go. This is the final nail in the coffin of hope. If she changes course then she changes course, but I can't hope on it anymore.

This afternoon I took my wedding ring off. It's sitting by me as I type this actually. I think I'm going to leave it off. Maybe it will tell my W that I am serious about understanding where she is at. Maybe it will just tell myself that. It's hard to do though... through all this it's stayed on... through all this I've kept it b/c I am married and I am standing for my M. But she clearly is done and doesn't want our M. So it's time to ready myself for that.

I will say that I'm getting tired of the physical pain of heartbreak... I do wish that would stop some day, it's getting pretty old.