Feel like I'm living the movie Groundhog Day...

[workinghardguy]

Ahh yes... I just realized that my W had her first IC appointment today. So that would explain my emotional state. My head knows it will probably make no difference and if it does it will take a long time. I think my heart was holding out for a sobbing phone call apologizing for everything

Guess my heart got it wrong, go figure. Time to buck up. I'm not going to ask about the IC or anything. Her deal, her thing. If she wants to share she can or not... I need to man up.

[jbnati]

WHG - I think you're just at low point right now. There are definitely better times in the not too distant future. You'll get some sleep and get some exercise and things will start picking up again.

Enjoy your times with your S. Those are special times. I know what you mean about the going out to eat, though, and missing that adult company.

W was sharing this past week with a friend about our upcoming divorce. She told him "we're definitely getting divorced around Juneish"

Yes, it sounds like she has to keep repeating herself to mentally keep her game plan on track. I guess it would throw a wrench in her game picture perfect game plan if you went out and filed, wouldn't it? I'm NOT at all endorsing that, just amusing myself at thought of wrecking the game plan, that's all.

[workinghardguy]

Sad day, pretty down. W and I interacted this morning after she woke up and I was getting ready to head to my volunteering gig. W started telling me about her IC appointment. She prefaced it with "You're not going to like what she had to say." Really? How much worse can it get... so I said get it out there, I don't want it eating at me all day.

W told me that IC said we should end M now, or at least right after the holidays. That W and I should stop sharing a bed and W should move out ASAP with the kids. That her remaining sends me confused messages and that I'll keep trying to work and fix things between us if she remains.

So this is where this board has helped... I could honestly say that I'm not working to fix us, only that I'm working to fix myself. That I know I can't control her or her decisions. She agreed that I've been great in giving her space and it seems like I am letting go.

W said she didn't feel the IC listened to her. That W still doesn't want to split until June when our financial houses are in more order. That splitting now and sending us each into bankruptcy is stupid. W also didn't want to stop sharing a bed since that would destroy the part of not telling the kids yet.

W said the IC could see she is done and wants out, so that became the focus on the session. That all made me feel bad and sad. I had a sliver of hope that IC would give her a new path, though I was highly doubtful. What makes me feel worse is that my W didn't like the appointment and may not return, and the session never got to her greater/deeper issues. So I'm still hoping she goes back, finds a C, and continues on. She expressed frustration too. Her comment was, "and we never even got to my bigger mental health issues... I know i need help. Just the emotional and mental abuse I had as a kid from my dad means I need help, but she was all about the divorce. She said once I do stuff to work on the divorce we can discuss the other issues."

So frustrated... Though my W did say that the EAP session felt like "mental health urgent care" which is exactly what it is. Short-term and issue focused, versus holistic and global.

I guess the only positive is that the C told her that we shouldn't tell the kids more than a month before hand. My W has been pressing the last week to tell the kids in January after the holidays. I couldn't grasp why we would do that? Why we would want our S to deal with that sorrow and grief for months on end, and it would really screwup my relationship and interaction with SS and SD. So now she's backed off of that... we agreed that telling them in May makes the most sense. End of the school year, all the birthdays are past and no big holidays on the horizon.

So what does this mean for me??? I've been pondering that... It means I have to continue the detachment. I've backslid some and not been progressing... holding some small hope for counseling to have an effect. Guess not. Have to just become a single dad and pour my energies into that. Figure out what I want my life to look like post-D and set those goals.

At least I did get 8.5 hours of sleep last night and S got 10.5 hours... so that's back on track for now.

[Rick1963]

WHG some of the things your wAW says seems very manipulative. You need to get of her rollercoasterASAP. Putting dates on these emotional things is abusive in my view. It is like being on death row. Your W like mine think that this will easy and that noone will suffer including them. The reality is that everyone will suffer especially the kids. She faces the same realities when D don't let their determined behavior fool you. In fact man fair better after a D research shows that. Stop worrying about what the future will look like you don't know. If you did you would not be in this sitch, right? Try to have some fun and live a good life we are pulling for you.

[workinghardguy]

Thanks Rick. Wish I could pop on here and say this morning was just a bump in the road, that I'm back on track... but I can't. I feel like I've been in a fog all day, almost like it's bomb day all over again. I guess I had been putting more hope in the counseling than I realized.

But it is a different type of fog. Just a profound sadness, not a terror or panic like bomb day was.

I go back and forth on the setting of dates. I remember what is what like never knowing if tomorrow was the day. Waking up with the uncertainty each day was debilitating. At the same time, having a date makes each morning a melancholy experience since it means one more day closer.

My W is too pollyanna about all of this. She knows she will be suffer and it will be hard for her. But I think she is discounting the impact on the kids. That's the part I feel most sad about... knowing the hurt that is coming their way and being helpless to stop it. It's like watching a slow motion car wreck, and in my case a car wreck that takes months to happen.

I'm actually not worried about me after the D. I'll be lonely at first, but I've always been ok alone. If given the choice between hanging out in a bar or hanging out alone I'll often take alone. I have my hobbies and friends, and I'll be fine. Financially I'll be more than fine. I've already started looking at the places S and I can go and do. Things we wouldn't have done as a family because the cost of taking five is too much, but taking two is much different.

I am sad because I do love my wife. I am sad because I am afraid for her and what will happen. I look at nine's story and realize that could be my W. I can see hospitalization and trauma in her future. I'm not saying it will happen, but it certainly is a possibility.

There have been some ways that I'm not detaching and those end today. I have to let go. This is the final nail in the coffin of hope. If she changes course then she changes course, but I can't hope on it anymore.

This afternoon I took my wedding ring off. It's sitting by me as I type this actually. I think I'm going to leave it off. Maybe it will tell my W that I am serious about understanding where she is at. Maybe it will just tell myself that. It's hard to do though... through all this it's stayed on... through all this I've kept it b/c I am married and I am standing for my M. But she clearly is done and doesn't want our M. So it's time to ready myself for that.

I will say that I'm getting tired of the physical pain of heartbreak... I do wish that would stop some day, it's getting pretty old.

[Rick1963]

WHG stop torturing yourself. My sister is schizophrenic tried to kill herself like 30 xs but she is still alive. Stop worrying about W she chose this road and the consequences of her choices. I know how you feel. I lOok at what my W is doing and know that we will all lHose financially but she wants something. She thinks this is easy but it will hit her soon. Your W Vneeds to experience the pain and loss to get it. The problem with us LBS is that we act and feel like doormats.. But that is not what we are , right?. Focus on the little man not the W . He is what matters . Are you not tired of begging her to love you yet? I am.

[workinghardguy]

I don't know so much that it's torturing myself as it is simply grieving for what is being lost. Like watching a friend slowly pass away. That's what is hard.

I've moved past the begging her to love me part. I only did that a bit at the beginning of this mess, and even then it didn't feel right. I have more pride than that. Though before, during our M, I begged in other ways. This whole adventure has taught me many things, but a big one is how I begged and how to not do that. So that is largely gone for me.

I know my W needs to feel the pain and impact of her decisions, and she will in due time. My concern from her stems from her being the mother of my son. Whatever I may feel about her can't change that, and he loves her deeply. So while I stand for my s, it creates an odd interplay with her.

Throughout this my W has been a bit different of a WAW. She isn't running to some awaiting OM. She doesn't text and message some other guy constantly. Sometimes I think it would've been easier if she had an OM. If she had just picked up and moved out at the drop of a hat. The way we're doing it seems so tidy and organized. Like arranging one's own funeral.

I'll get past this... this morning was just the death of a hope, which is always a tragic event in any circumstance. I just sent an email off to our squadron's operations officer asking him what he thought it would take for me to finish out my private pilot's license so I can step into the world of flying search and rescue missions rather than just pounding it out on the ground all the time. That will part of my post-R life. Just have to keep on getting there I guess.

[workinghardguy]

As a side note... I really feel sorry for my SS and SD as their world is about to get doubly rocked. My W's XH has traditionally paid us a pittance in child support. Over the years we've simply decided to not pick a fight since a) he made so little what we would get is paltry really and b) we valued his positive involvement with SS and SD.

However, over the past few months the one thing he does do, pay for SS and SD school lunches, he can't seem to manage. My W is frustrated and reasonably so, plus he has a new and better paying job. Knowing she will need money when we are apart she is planning to file a court date and have the court reopen and reset the child support number. This means he'll probably go from paying $100 to around $650/month. He's going to be pissed!

And from past experiences it isn't going to be pretty. He is not good at co-parenting so it will be vicious and vile I suspect. And of course the SS and SD will be caught in the middle of it.

Then a few months after that they will get the news about us. Going to be a banner 2012 for those two kids.

[workinghardguy]

Journaling... maybe early since the night isn't quite done yet, but we'll see. It's been an interesting weekend. More sure than ever that things will have to get stupid before we ever recon, if that ever happens.

Much of the weekend has been stuck in R talk, but not really "R talk". More logistics of our eventual separation talk. While I don't particularly want to have these conversations the logistics of life have put it front and center. With flex spending sign ups due in a few weeks we need to figure out at least a tentative game plan. So the weekend has been a lot of that BS.

We did work through things. I would keep the house. She would stay in town. I will have all the kids (SS and SD too) a few nights each week. She asked me to send her the budget spreadsheet I put together a while ago so she can see what the reality will be (she's never actually looked at hard numbers). She'd like to do this sooner than June, but financially that's just not realistic. I told her I absolutely won't put myself in financial jeopardy just to get her to the next chapter in her life. She's free to walk out tomorrow and start that chapter, but she'll get nothing from me.

I guess the only positive of the weekend is that we're at least back to where we were interpersonal relationswise. The last week has been tense in the house as her IC appointment approached. Now she feels more emboldened and "on the right path". But since I am simply validating and accepting she hasn't felt the need to be mean or spiteful.

She did admit tonight that she is feeling very anxious. Anxious about confronting her XH and filing for more child support from him. Anxious about looking at the actual budget numbers. Anxious about how the kids are going to react. I know she wants to tell them soon, but her IC told her no, wait until a month before. So that is going to eat at her... which is perfectly fine IMO.

And I just remain me. It's been a hard weekend... like arranging one's own funeral. Not a lot of GAL this weekend as plans blew up, but did go to church this morning. Sermon was about time and our relationship with it. It reminded me that I've been doing a terrible job lately of living in the moment. Too much in the past or in the future which brings nothing but pain.

I've been very reserved and even-keel through this. I don't want to fight or have hysterics... there's no point. It won't change the outcome and can only cause more pain and damage. I am angry though and I need to find a way past that. I need to get back to the compassion and forgiveness I felt a few weeks ago... not sure where that went.

W's cousin was talking to me today... she just found out about W's plans and is floored and heartbroken. I helped her and her husband buy their first house. Her and her husband almost divorced a few years ago but found their way through it. She said that W said that this is about her. About how she makes bad decisions and decides things for the wrong reasons. That getting married to me was about security and safety and not about love or passion. W said that she needs to keep getting counseling to fix that part of her. And to some degree she said something similar to me the other night. We were talking about whether we should continue sharing a bed. Our bed is huge and we can easily share it without contact. We've never been a snuggling type of couple, but by her choice not mine. And that's because she's not a snuggler... in fact she's just not good with close intimacy or touch at all. Not with me, her first husband, the guy she cheated on first husband with, or anyone. And she doesn't know why that is but knows it can't be natural or healthy.

So I'm not sure where I am at. Down I guess. Then again some things were at least discussed that have bothered me. Wishing things were different but knowing they are not. Believing more and more that any path to recon comes after separation. Scared for the kids and how they will react. Wishing I could spare them the pain but knowing I can't. It's hard being a dad and knowing you can't shield your children from pain. It's harder knowing that it's their mom bringing that pain.

Put up the outdoor Christmas lights today with my S. Usually I love doing it... marks the start of the season in my mind. Heart really wasn't in it... but they're up at least. First on the block... yes, I'm THAT guy

[workinghardguy]

Yep, we're back into the old routine. She comes home, I ignore her, she strikes up conversation. We talk and laugh and enjoy each other. Bleh. Maybe when she's alone and there's no one to strike up a convo with it'll hit her. Or maybe it won't. What she doesn't realize is that, with how she's treated me for months, I've been alone a hell of a lot longer than she has. And with detaching I'm getting to be ok with it.