I spent all night with XW..........on the phone

[AJM]

Hi Tad. I read that post and can see a lot of the same behaviors my ex had. Except the one without the OM (if indeed that's the case).

I can say that it's hard Tad. I can say that it's worth detaching. Very much so.

I was in California this past week. I was cleaning out my grandparents house and visiting with them. Lots of old memories. Funny though. The part for me that was cathartic was hanging out in an old folks home. Reminds me how short life is and how people can be. I met many and each is behaving as they would without filters. Some are nice and some are not. They are all big children.

I came home and cleaned out my storage bins. I meant to a while back, but somehow never got to it. I threw much of it away, but as I was going through it, it dawned on me, that my xw didn't leave me - she ran away from me and everything she ever knew. Kids, her childhood, etc. I feel for her in that regard, since I don't have that problem. I have happy memories of my childhood and even times with her.

Your ex is not that much different than the behaviors of mine, Tad. Similar tracks it seems.

She sometims sends postcards from the other side, so to speak. But that's not for you. That's for her. That's indicative of her conflict and you cannot know what or why. It's just not how things are going to be.

For you?

I highly suggest you continue to set and enforce boundaries that are going to make you healthy. She'll test them along the way, so you'll know when you have it set properly.

She is not somebody you know Tad. Really. This is a carbon copy of your ex.

The cycling is not unexpected. Normal and it's part of the process. The process works better if you keep her at bay and don't let her push buttons along the way. She'll extend your healing and keep you from what's next if you let her. Misery loves company or something like that.

Lead the way Tad. Kindly and compassionately lead the way. Set and enforce the boundaries and distance and let her know that she divorced you and you are going to do what is right for you and the boys. Regardless of her, since that is how she wanted it.

Don't ever wish any bad things on her Tad. She has enough and cannot get away from them. She can bury things, but 25 is right - she hasn't started (and may never) addressing her own issues.

She will continue to be mean to you as long as you let her and a little past that. You have that control and nobody else will give it to you nor take it away.

Think about that last a little. It's true and you know it. Embrace it rather than disbelieve it.

She may be crazy and mean, but you don't deserve what she is doing. Put a stop to it over time. Your boys need to see how to deal with it because they need to do the same for as long as she remains crazy and mean spirited. It's a healthy thing for them to learn.


AJ