Hey KD - Nice to see you on my thread. I'm doing pretty good for the most part. Wishing you the best too man!
@ Gabby - so right
@DG - Thanks Lady. Just need to keep my heart guarded.
Need to journal a bit to get these thoughts out of my head.
I've spent the last week consoling other friends - alot of the friends who have been my support in the past year - all in regards to their relationship. I have one Walk Away, one Left Behind, and one who is oddly enough.. starting to be "too tired to fight" anymore.
I am thankful that I can use my experiences to help them. I can see their anger and hear their words and remember a time when I felt as lost as they did.
I encourage them to sit in their feelings and not make decisions. To take the high road, and that even though they may not be feeling love from their "other", they need to continue to be loving.
Right now - that's not a popular concept. I understand. It's hard to love someone w/o expectation. It's hard to love them when they are showing that they aren't being loving back.
It's extremely difficult to see through the pain that "loving" not only benefits the other person.. but it benefits themselves.
I explain how I have no regrets and that is just soo freeing for me. It was the most loving gift I could give MYSELF. But I also explain that it's a constant choice and currently a constant struggle.
They get it in theory.. just hard to execute it at the moment.. so I spend most of my time listening.
However as much as I am glad to be there for them, this week has been particularly painful for me. Especially for the "too tired to fight" friend.
Those feelings of not feeling worthy, feeling like I couldn't be who I was, feeling scared when my wife came home, feeling scared to have friends, feeling like I would be punished from coming home late. That it didn't matter how much I cleaned, cooked, or took care of - it just wasn't enough. Those feelings have flown to the surface again.
It's hard not to tell friend to "get out". It's hard not to tell his g/f that her heart she should break that she has depleted the man she claims to love of his self worth.
But it is not my place.
I do not miss that part of my marriage. I do not miss that part of my w.
I still stick to everything I am saying. Forgiving her. Not punishing her.. but I realize that I am not out of the clear yet of dealing with how she negatively treated me.
I'm not out of the clear of asking myself "Why do I even want to be with her?"
Cause I clearly still do in alot of ways. I feel like I am stronger and know how to love better.. both her and myself. And I will never go back to being the scared, helpless person again.
... but being with her is not in my deck of cards.
C'est la vie.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
