Putting it back together, but SSM issues linger

[Nblost]

Accuray,
Your wife sounds kind of like me. I know you are venting the bad stuff and I'm guessing your wife has some redeeming qualities around being a good wife and mother. I'd try to build her up around the things she is doing well.

Here are a few thoughts:

-Does your wife have close girlfriends? I had lost touch with most of my friends (blaming it on 3 kids and a H who works/travels a lot/moving 2,000 miles). If she doesn't, she likely feels bad about it...so I wouldn't push her to do things with other women (women are all so busy at this stage of life it can be hard to find people to connect with regularly). But, recognize she may be missing getting emotional support and happiness from friends. Maybe there are times when she has chances to do things with other women and you can be more aware of jumping in to help with the kids, etc.

-I'm somewhat insecure underneath a very successful career and life. I've always had a few issues with my body (which my husband thought was insane) and it bothered me when he touched me in certain places or in certain ways. I'd find subtle ways to tell your wife how beautiful and attractive she is.

-Does your wife ever have orgasms? I didn't (through several boyfriends) until I was "on a break" before I met my husband. I focused on seeing if I could bring myself to orgasm...for me, it works well to read erotic stories. I also kind of like porn and get turned on by it. I usually have to bring myself to orgasm when I'm with my husband...but he can get me there sometimes. I don't think it's the end all be all to ML, but if she's never had one or doesn't have them in front of you, I would bet it bothers your wife a lot. I knew I was one of just a couple of my friends who wasn't having orgasms in college and it bugged me. I think those bad feelings then flared up more in my marriage when my H said I was LD and he felt I "just wasn't a sexual person".

-It's great you are putting things back together and I'm not sure how you try to weave in more counseling...but I wonder if your wife would benefit from seeing a sex therapist. Our MC is also a sex therapist and he had me fill out a questionnaire for him on my sexual history. The power of that was that I filled it out and wondered if my answers would highlight how I am "not a sexual person". Nope, our therapist told me I seemed very normal. For some reason, this was very freeing for me to learn. If we can get back to MC, I'm excited to see what he can do to help us.

-I'm trying to survive my H's A right now. I think because I'm deep down so hurt and vulnerable...I'm more sexually charged than ever. (H has noticed this). He hasn't had sex with me in about 6 months and I really miss it. I'm not suggesting you have an affair (please don't!)...but it sounds like you and your wife were starting to establish a routine that somewhat worked for her. I wonder if you could work with a counselor to come up with a way for you to tell her you need more and how serious you are. Also, try to take some of the pressure off like SSM recommends.

-I think the more you can encourage your wife to find herself and do things for her...hopefully she can be happier and build self esteem. I know being a mom can be a sex drive zapper...looks like you guys are in the thick of it like we are.

Not sure if any of this helps, honestly, if my H and I try to reconcile, I think he'll struggle with some of the same things you are. I wouldn't be surprised if we go through low points where I am not feeling good about myself again. I do think going through the "crap" we are going through makes one more open and maybe your wife will eventually be willing to open up and lose more control.

Hang in there!