Getting ready for Thanksgiving as a few relatives will be coming over. Went out for a few hours with H last night, so that was good. Tonight I'm going to see a very close friend who is going through a tough time over the death of her H. If I can't get inspiration from her, I don't know who I can get it from. Planned on going late night grocery shopping after the visit, but I'm not going to overdo it.
Still taking things one day at a time, but I did ask H for what I wanted last night. Told him that I didn't want anymore secrets so we agreed on him giving up all his passwords in a week. I really don't want to see any hurtful messages, but in my heart I know that he is feeling forced. One minute he says that he hates lying to me and needs to get help, then the other he looks miserable and withdrawn. All I know is that I have to think about me, my health, my children and my needs from now on. If he wants to come long for the right, that's great - but he has to get rid of all that excess baggage. A big suitcase is alright, but I can't ignore the facts.
I think this is a 180 for me, although I could be wrong. Any other time I was quick to look the other way and trust him to be 'good.' And the best part of all is that I'm fully prepared to deal with losing him permanently. I'm hopeful and acting as if it will all work out, but being mentally prepared is actually very helpful.
