Youngster Questions Reality, WAW Moves On...

[aeolianchaos]

Hey WCF,

It makes a lot of sense that you might be in the mood that you're in right now.

This feeling of waiting that you are talking about is one that I'm sure a lot of us can relate to, and finding the balance point between being open to something new w/ your WAW and the growing sense of your own self-worth that might make you wonder if that is even worth sticking around for.

I think that the two conflicting feelings and ideas are really useful for learning something powerful about yourself. Ambivalence is uncomfortable and can lead to overthinking, but I think learning to see things in all their shades of grey (but objectively as you can) is a good thing.

I would say that I wonder if pursuing a new R at this time is in your best interests. I also wonder why you would choose to immediately pursue a new R after just getting out of one where you have been working so much at saving this one?

I know there are guidelines and rules of thumb (eg 1 month for every x years.. or is it 1 year for every x years?) and I think those are always more of a generalization than an absolute, but I think the idea of really exploring what it means to be a single person is also very healthy after a breakup of a long term relationship or marriage.

Another way of putting it is, what exactly are you hoping to gain by entering another R after you've decided that maybe its in your interests to leave this one?

Which isn't to say you shouldn't honor those feelings of wanting to feel wanted and appreciated. And I'm sure you also want to love and appreciate another. Those are really solid things and I think to dismiss them or bury them would be a tragedy.

Ultimately you have to figure out what is going to serve your integrity best. No one else but you can really judge you for standing for your marriage. When you believe that it is probably time to let go completely and move forward, I would hope you can do so with open eyes and a peaceful heart, knowing that you did what you could but that your W ultimately has the right to make her own decisions about her relationships.

I would only add this, and it is only from my perspective. Would it be fair to another person to enter into a relationship with them at this point?

Speaking personally: I know for me, I feel like it would be unfair to the other person (and myself). As much as I like to believe I've grown and changed tremendously from all of this (and I do.. ) I feel like in seeking out a new partner in a serious way would be seeking someone who might help me avoid some aspects of this experience that I'm not so sure that I should let myself dodge.