I ruined it all but want to change & make it work

[bustorama]

When I was finally back to tell our children she asked me not to come back until the holidays in December.

So, respect her, and don't come back to see her until the holidays unless she says otherwise, (but of course maintaining your connection with your kids -- that is a separate issue).

How is anything suppose to get started if there is no "talking"?

You can't control her thoughts/feelings about you by talking to her. Time can heal. If her anger at you recedes in the past and she sees glimpses of a new you, perhaps things might get started. If you keep showing up at her doorstep against her wishes insisting that things be made right, you will come across as selfish and entitled.

Yes, I might get grumpy now and again. It would be a wonderful sight to see someone being happy-go-lucky and "fun" to be around when their life has been completely turned up-side down and changed forever. Unfortunately thats no me.

As Sandi said, this is the part you need to work on. I get that being separated from your wife kids and perhaps even feeling guilty about your responsibility for that can put you in a grumpy funk. I've been there too Doesn't help matters at all, though. You have GOT to find other avenues of coping for this, whether it is coming here and venting or (better) GAL activities. Grumpiness is not attractive, safe or empathetic.