Another crisis.....but H opening up now

[angel61]

So he did come back today after all.

However I sensed a difference in how he is interacting with me. On the phone, he did not seem to want to talk to me longer, saying he needed to sleep after a minute of convo, and then the next day he said his phone was dying.

When he got home, he did not look me in the eye and was irritable. I verbalized to him that I feel that his barrier was up, and he just said no, no such thing. When I brought up the topic of the post session today, he said "ok, ok we'll go in a way that sounded like he was just being forced to go.

I think he has been in touch with OW again.

I am wrestling with my self on calling him out or not. My mind says no, he said he will handle it his way, OW will be gone in at most a couple of weeks time, maybe he is just feeling the withdrawal, maybe he has given himself his own internal deadline. Once OW leaves, it will be hard for them to keep in touch as the time difference is terrible and the cost of calling is great. Although with skype and facetime, it should not be a huge barrier. It really should be his determination to keep the M that should motivate him. I know he has a timeline in his head, as he always has for everything, being the control freak he is.

Of course, inside me there is the person who wants to have it all out with him. When things are not going well, I go back to having fantasies of freedom. Ands thinkingof all the things I can do if H were not here, if I didn't have to go through all this. And it is really an exercise in self control and patience to stop, and remind myself of why I want to keep this M. Thats why I am here, at 6 something in the morning, locked in the bathroom and typing my thoughts, venting.

OK, time for some thanksgiving. At least we are going today. I asked him if he really wanted to go, because he didn't sound like he did, and he said no, he was fine with going.

Well, nobody ever said piecing was not bumpy. It might yet be the longest part of this journey, so I better keep my seatbelt fastened, and also curb my desire to give up and flee, just when we are getting close.