Alcoholic H wants D part 2.....

[imthemom]

so i have been pondering a question that was asked me a few days ago...
Why do I want a R with a man like my H? ....that question had me thinking so far back. Prob back to when I was a child...life is a funny thing, you dont even realize how certain things effect you unless you look back at it, and thats not something that alot of people like to do.
I dont like to be the person that sits around and moans about how hard there life was and I dont spend a lot of time thinking about it but obviousley things that have happened have made me the angry person I am today. over the last few months ive realized that the person im angry at is me..for choices ive made that have affected other people in my life, mainly my kids.
im not going to get into details cus thats just to ugly for this forum but in a nut shell my father left my mother with 6 kids when I was 2 and never came back, never paid a penny of child support and in my household it was NEVER discussed. I just recently found out he was dead, before then I knew nothing about him, the men in my life have been paying for that.
I have mentioned that I have a son with special needs...He is 21 now. When he was 6 months old he was a victim of SBS (shaken baby syndrom) by his daycare provider. As a result of that he has cerebral palsey, is legally blind. His mental capacity is around a 12 yr old. I have spent the last 21 years makeing his quality of life my #1 priority and dedicating myself to makeing sure he has every advantage and resorce available to him, on top of raising my other sons. so there anger there...that I was robbed of the S i gave birth to and that he was robbed of the life he should have had.
that being said, I am finally working on my anger and have noticed lots of changes in how I deal with things..Im not the yeller I use to be and my S has really noticed how I dont flip out about the little things anymore. Im happy and proud of my self for that.
so back to why i would want a R with this man...its obviouse to me now that my pride has taken a big ding. I think im feeling like well really, if this alcoholic self centered and lets face it, spineless person can just walk away from me AND my sons..what does that say about me????
Im not saying I dont love him, right now he is showing a side of him that I have not seen, at least this clearly. Its ugly and hard to look at. But the side of my H that I loved was a person that I had total faith in, he was flawed but arent we all. I have my baggage to so the drinking was just something we had to get over, for the most part (in my eyes) he was an honest caring person who everyone looked up to, had respect for and I kid you not, EVERYONE loves him. He had never (even in all the years of drinking) done anything to hurt a person and the one thing that everyone will say about H is if you needed ANYTHING he would be the first one there.
It made me crazy that he was not like that for his own family..... but i def fed into the hype. I overlooked that fact that he wasnt there for us like he was for everyone else.

ok, this has gotten way deeper then I expected...going to meet some girfriends for a run...ill have to get back to ya 25 ..
making some progress right????