I spent all night with XW..........on the phone

[AntoniaB]

It's not that she isn't MLC, she is, but she's something beyond MLC or just the most insane level of MLC most have ever seen.

This stuff about her coming and trying to take things...my XH didn't actually DO this but he said he wanted to. AFTER the divorce he said that he suddenly had room for things and wanted to take what was "his", that he didn't have room before. It wasn't a lot of stuff he wanted--mainly some record albums, cds, tools from the shed. But I also didn't know if it would turn into "more" the more I let him come around the house, and both of us had signed settlement papers that were final, giving me everything in exchange for a cash buyout. He even signed a paper saying that with the check I wrote him, which was 75k, that he was "fully compensated" for everything due to him. It was like he forgot he signed the papers and such. What he wanted, he wanted.

I told him in an email no. I said the settlement was over, that he made his choices, and that he was not welcome to come to the house to pick anything up. Then I changed the locks.

If he had come and tried to get in, I was ready to get a restraining order. This was an issue of boundaries. His behavior was volatile and mean enough at the time that it was a huge setback for me to see him in person and he had no legal right to anything he was asking.

At someo point I had a washing machine break and he offered to buy me the machine if I let him get that same stuff back. I said no. I felt that these were power games brought on by his suddenly finally getting his new place and seeing he had virtually nothing.

Well he never tried to break in or anything.

Flash forward to this week, and now that we are cordial again, we are talking about which cds the other wants and negotiating what to mail to each other.

He isn't due these things but I no longer want them, and now I can interact with him without losing it. He doesn't any longer want a lot of what he said he wanted before--but he does want his father's record albums, which I said he can have, but he has to come here to get them and he's afraid to see me as it opens his attachment. So I keep them for now...maybe forever.

I'm telling you all this for one reason: you need to stop her behavior. You cannot let her start fooling with what's on your property or there will be no end. This is simply another way she is effing with you. You may have to tell her that you will call the police if she tries to take anything on your property or that you will file a restraining order. Yes she will lose it when you say that, but so what? She's already lost it a hundred times over when you're nice. She has no legal right to take things if you "won" them in the settlement. If the house is not in her name, she has no right to enter or come on the property.

Being nice or cordial or playing her tune will NOT bring her back, and why you would want her back like this is beyond me. She is not who she was. You have to block her access to you. We've all been saying it for months and there is little change.

You have grown yourself, yes, but you are not trying to shut her down or block the interactions, and until you do, this stuff is going to keep happening.