Remember, you have boys watching you, and their Dad.
They're seeing his coming and going, seeing his moodiness, and seeing the treatment of their Mom. He's supposed to be their example. These aren't young boys...
And, even if you say that you interact fine in front of them. You don't act fine in front of them, and they have ears and antennae just like the rest of us.
Teach them by example how to be the best spouse you can be... by (maybe) teaching their Dad how to be the best spouse he can be.
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
A friend of mine on another board, posted this... I just went back there to find it. It's appropriate whether he's cheating or not.
Originally Posted By: Dr. Phil
Dr. Phil turns back to Rochelle. "You are a powerful role model for your children," he says. "Children would rather be from a broken home than live in one. They don't want a broken mother. If this is dragging you down so much that it compromises who you are as a mother, you owe it to them to stand up and claim the right to be treated with dignity and respect, or claim the right for him to go."
Dr. Phil addresses Matt. "You don't have the right to do what you're doing to this woman and these children," he says. "You know it, and I know it. You can't feel good about what you're doing."
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
Very good advice Hope and MF. I checked and didn't see anything, and I will not continue to snoop. It's not going to help in the long run. I need to move forward from here.
Trying to have a nice peaceful morning while the family all sleeps, just called my mother to wish her a happy birthday. I was very upbeat and laughing with her. At the end of the call, she said "I can hear it in your voice, I'm sorry" She knows my sitch and although I was laughing with her, moms just know.
I will not pursue, it is not working and it is not attractive. I had to visualize in my head putting on the breaks. There is plenty of work to be done, and I am willing to do the hard work...starting with me.
I've been with H since I was 19 and I find myself shaking my head and saying "how did I get here, this can't be my life right now". But I have to just let go of that, it is my life and I have a chance to change it for the better.
I own my portion of this and know some of the tough changes I need to make for myself. That is the only person that I can make changes for, and hopefully the changes with positively affect my kids, and hopefully eventually my H as well. But I am trying not to look to far in the future and just work on daily.
It took me 2 1/2 years to be able to be strong enough to hear the truth.
In the meantime, I was really owning some of my own issues! And, gaining strength, and re-claiming confidence, and becoming a better MY own person.
I told you. I think I could have kept my marriage intact. (I know now, it wouldn't have been happily, as he doesn't own his own issues.) But, I didn't have the forgiveness in me to deal w/infidelity. And, even if I could have... There were SO many other ways he betrayed our family.
IC sounds like a superb idea. You need, not just an ear, an in -person wisdom.
Off to move more boxes!
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
That's a lot of boxes Hope its going well! It will be so nice when you can unload them and settle in.
Considering everything that went down last night, checking records and finding nothing in cell phone, credit cards or bank account, I have to take it at face value that there is no OW and let that go for now. I am not trying to be naive but there is nothing to show that there is, so it is extremely possible that it is just other issues. I know I have mine and he has his, but I only have to work on mine right now.
So I did a 180 this morning. Normally I would have kept quiet, walked on eggshells and taken the scowls and silent treatment. We would have avoided each other for 2 days and then pretend that nothing happened..again.
My 180 was owning up to what I did, and acknowledging where I was wrong. I told him that he has a right to his personal space and there is no reason for me to look at his phone. There is no reason that I can't look at the other bills, they are in my name. I was apologizing for the phone last night.
He appreciated it, and really softened and said "It really was a misunderstanding, but I take my part in it because I changed up our routine with no notice and during a very tense time. I can understand"
I ended the conversation without getting too much into R talk, and went to have some coffee. He got up and I was cleaning, listening to music and generally enjoying my morning. It was real, I felt less anxious and really tried not to think about my M for a change. I just wanted to enjoy a beautiful Saturday.
I am spending the day doing typical errands and starting some Christmas shopping. He took the boys golfing. They all seemed happy to go, and I am really happy for my sons. I think they all need that.
So I am happy the 180 worked for all to relieve some of the tension and it was the right thing to do. It is what I would do for any friend that I felt I may have wronged. Trying to come at it from that angle to keep me on track.
So I did a 180 this morning. Normally I would have kept quiet, walked on eggshells and taken the scowls and silent treatment. We would have avoided each other for 2 days and then pretend that nothing happened..again.
My 180 was owning up to what I did, and acknowledging where I was wrong. I told him that he has a right to his personal space and there is no reason for me to look at his phone. There is no reason that I can't look at the other bills, they are in my name. I was apologizing for the phone last night.
He appreciated it, and really softened and said "It really was a misunderstanding, but I take my part in it because I changed up our routine with no notice and during a very tense time. I can understand".
Kudos Autumn! What a great 180 for you.. and to have him own up as well - just great.
This is how good communication starts. People get so wrapped up in their own feelings, their own selfishness.. that they don't even give their spouse the opportunity to be selfless.. they just assume they will be selfish...
...when in actuality - sometimes being caring helps the other person be caring also.
Communication does not change overnight.. but it CAN change.
Keep it up!
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
Your H was the one to offer the possibility of meeting up after drinks w/girlfriends, and his Happy Hour...
So, you were not wrong to being up the fact that you didn't hear from him...
Now, i know we hear only one side of this, but His anger was entirely inappropriate.
If it happened, as described, there lies your boundary...
His anger 'could' have been @ being questioned, it 'could' have been @ you looking at his phone, or it could have been a mixture, something different.., or the man is just developing into more of an as$.
I'm not so sure I agree w/apologizing to him, but I understand and have been there many times.
There's a boundary issue to deal with...
I can't wait to see what a good MC will say... I just worry that you're putting a band-aid on, where a boundary should be stated.
Again, since I relate to so much of what you're going through... Am I transferring my own woulda/coulda/shoulda onto you? Maybe! But, there was tons of growth from my end.
Hope it helps!
Off to, well... Move/Pack!
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
The rest of the weekend was uneventful thankfully. H asked me if I wanted to go out to dinner with a couple that we are friends with, and I agreed. It was pleasant. When we got home, our next door neighbors asked if they could come over for a glass of wine. I guess it is easier for him if other people are around, but I am not trying to read his mind. It could have been a coincidence.
Yesterday the kids asked if we could have a family football day, so I read my book while the kids and H watched. Once the kids were ready for bed, I did a 180 and got up to finish reading in bed. I didn't want to linger once the kids were in bed. Too awkward and didn't want expectations.
Tonight I am GAL and going to a movie with a friend. Will get the kids settled after school and feed them dinner, and then head to the theater. Tomorrow night my son is in powder puff football game at school and after that I will head to a friends house for a girls night out. It's good to have fun plans with friends leading up to the holidays. I have to say that I am slightly nervous about the holidays, but hoping for the best especially for the kids sakes.
I haven't heard back from the counselor yet, trying to get in by myself but I am guessing the holidays may be the reason.
Yesterday I had to take one of my employees to the hospital, she fell at home and will need back surgery. I spent the day with her and worked a bit from there. By dinnertime they were transferring her to a better hospital in the city, where they will be able to help her.
Last night I went to the movies with another friend and came home in time to say goodnight to my boys. Read a little and got a good nights sleep.
This morning I will head to the hospital briefly before coming back to catch up on things.
I have a fun night planned with some friends. I have a group of friends that get together monthly, changing the theme and home each month. Good timing for this!
Hope its going well! It will be so nice when you can unload them and settle in.