The first chapter I suppose

[mindfull]

And, you're very brave to read anything in my history!!! Read the end, first... that will show you how to act/react and move on... Too bad I couldn't have done that w/the door a little bit open still by then. Oh, well... Live and Learn!

One little secret.

Believe it or not... I have a wonderful boyfriend now.

He's from DB, actually... We met here.

His name is Fergie.

Talk about finding someone who understands!!!

[Autumn Leaves]

Thanks Mindfull,

Hope the move is going well for you! Sorry to hear about your stress fracture. Ironically I almost hurt myself similarly this morning. It was still dark when I was running and I hit a hole and caught myself just in time, just a warning for me I suppose.

He is still a very involved father, in fact even more involved lately. Ironically I used to volunteer a lot for the local basketball league and he told me that I was spending too much time there and not enough here, so I scaled it back and only serve on the Board now. He has since taken my original commissioner position and coaches our sons two teams. The very thing he said I was doing, he is now doing (there is a pattern forming here, I see)

I really feel like it is #2, the mid life doldrums. He basically said "is this all that there is".

I think you are right, he wants the marriage and to be able to do whatever he wants with no discussion or question from me. Obviously I can't do that, he can't set my boundaries for me.

[mindfull]

Autumn... I hear ya about the holes!!! Glad you're okay... When I do Couch-to-5k I like to use one (that I can't name here because it sounds very controversial) because it is to current, and mostly rap music. It gets your blood flowing. I'm not a rap fan, in fact I hate the anger in it, but perfect for running off the "Ickies"!!!

What running shoes do you wear??

This is my favorite time to run, when it gets crisper... I even bought some lighter Marmot hikers because I could actually run in them, and they're water-proof.

You've convinced me to start again after I get moved and settled!

Moving stinks! I was in a one-year rental once we put the marital home on the market. The lease is up, and now I'm buying a house a block away. So I'm in the thick of painters, packing, utility moving, and... Still trying to work! The movers come Monday. Hope I'm ready!

I understand about the athletics involvement. I, too, was on the board of my boys' soccer club. I loved it. Loved the people, and using my business knowledge to help make the club better for my boys. XH didn't like me so involved. Not sure why. He traveled all week.

Funny. I thought we'd have all the time in the world once the kids were gone...

He never put them first, so that's where a lot if us fell apart.

It's good that your H is so involved. It's good he wants a life of his own, too.

So, where do you, and you two as a couple fit in to this??

I've LOVED being part of a really, strong caring couple. I can say now, that I've not really had it before. Priceless.

That's where 'your' work is.

(I won't keep badgering you, but I'd still like some proof that there's no one else involved. There are too many red flags, a history of it, etc... But, I'm also conscious of my possible transfer of accusation due to my own marital history. )

Be well, my friend. Off to start this chaotic day!

[Autumn Leaves]

Morning mindfull!!

Right now I am wearing New Balance but I think I am due for some new running shoes. Mine are about a year old and I've been told you should get new ones every year to avoid injury. What type do you wear?

I hear you about the music. Makes all the difference, some good hip hop music gets my blood pumping. I tend to borrow from my kids iTunes account for that I just heard about a great product that I may get myself for Christmas. It is called MOTOACTV and helps track progress, plays music, etc. A little pricey but I think I need a treat, all things considered.

So glad to hear that you are now in a strong caring couple, you absolutely deserve that! I hope to have that someday myself, and hopefully with H. But I know there are no guarantees. For today I feel good with me, and that is something right?

I hear you about the red flags, trust me I have thought it and am conscious of it. I don't want to accuse after asking a few times and getting a no, because confronting does nothing but negatively impact. BUT I am by no means turning my head either. I'm not sure how to handle that just yet, possibly in marriage counseling. He has agreed to it, just need to make the appointment. I am searching for a pro M counselor now, and think I've found one.

I hope the packing and moving goes well for you. It's overwhelming but it will be behind you in no time. Congratulations on buying a new home, what a wonderful accomplishment!!

[Autumn Leaves]

Working on GAL tonight and going out with 2 girlfriends. They are friends from high school that I reconnected with thanks to facebook and our 20 year reunion last year. Sadly one is currently separated (8 months) and the other is about to separate. I'm not sure what they feel about their marriages so I haven't mentioned this place at all. I figured just getting out to have some fun together is good for all of us.

H sent me an email to say he is going to a happy hour with some coworkers. He wanted to know if we can meet up later to catch up, and wanted to know what time I plan to be home. I told him that I didn't have any details yet, we are still working them out.

I hope I handled that well. Sometimes I still second guess myself

[Autumn Leaves]

So I really need some advice, I am really having a hard time right now.

Tonight I had plans to go out with some girlfriends, which I did. During the day H emailed me that he was going to happy hour with some coworkers and I said ok. He suggested we meet up when we got home.

So his typical M.O. is to call me after work to check on the kids, but tonight there was no call. Throughout the night, no text..so I stayed out with the girls just chit chatting and sadly discussing our situations (all sad currently)

So after telling them my sitch, both said big red flags for possible OW. It's not the first time I heard it but it hurt.

When I got home he heard me come in and I said "was surprised I didn't hear from you tonight" (I know that I shouldn't have, I regret it)

He said "I called you and texted you". I said "no you didn't, I had my phone. I actually texted the kids"

He said "I know, we texted them at the same time"

My anxiety level went up and I looked at his phone. He grabbed it from me and said I can't believe you are going to look at my phone. I said, I wouldn't have a problem with you looking at my phone but you're right, and handed it back. (in my head I knew how anti DB that was and was trying to pull back)

The one and only text that I saw was between him and his boss who is also a good friend. There was a comment about "send my W directions to he!!" It is a Iphone so I couldn't tell who said it, when I said "nice comment" he said "that was him, not me" (not so sure). He said it was a joke from a video on the internet.

He proceeded to get angrier and said "why do i need to call every night and check in, I am 43 years old." I said "you don't I just was used to it because we've always done that, and was surprised that you didn't"

He said "I don't need to check in with you"

I tried to explain that his coldness and shortness is bringing me back to the A of years ago, and bringing up trust issues because he is shutting me out. He said "see I will never be free of that"

I said "until recently we were not having these issues, the treatment you are giving me is so eerily similar that it is bringing me back there"

He said "you are going back there by yourself"

He then said "Really, where were you tonight, who were you with, you've been losing all this weight so whats his name, what guy were you with"

I replied "well you sure succeeded, I hope you are satisfied"

Sadly right now I am wondering what I am fighting for, if he is this angry with me and possibly having an A. I can't fight for this M if I don't have all the facts.

Sorry if I am all over the place, I am super upset and trying to calm down to get some sleep already.

I said "should I even bother calling the MC"

He said "yes, because if we were in front of one now, they would say WTF is her problem."

I need to pull it together before the morning for the kids sakes, I am shaken to the core right now.

[mindfull]

Autumn.

Good Lord. He could be a little more creative, as he's just textbook guilty. I'm sorry. I absolutely know what kind of anxiety you're living with...

Here's what I would do...

Wake up. Be pleasant, but distant. Go about your day. Enjoy your boys.

In the meantime, do you have access to his phone records, computer, etc?

I bet the cell phone records are quite telling. Also, I have an iPhone. In a txt, recipient message is on left, and my message is on right. Unless he's using an app.

If you can't get access to his cell records, I have a few idea to get the phone out of his hand as a joke... If he willingly gives it up, probably less likely to have anything to worry about. If he makes excuses, you probably have a problem.

Also, do you have access to bank card transactions, highway toll pass usage, cc statements,

If you find something, I guess you need to decide if you can forgive again, assuming he's truthful in wanting his family/marriage intact. It may take awhile to determine that...

Either way, without his knowledge, I'd first consult an attorney for advice on what you can do. Then, I'd schedule that MC appt, and present him with the facts there. No matter what you decide... You need to immediately ask him to move out, as you're not tolerable of infidelity. You need to do some thinking, without him around, without his influence. No matter his desire, you need space from him.

Find a way to calm your anxiety.
Gather your intel.
Consult the very best, kick as$ attorney.
Present your findings in MC.
Declare your space-Define your boundaries.

If you don't find anything, get in with that MC immediately, and define your boundaries regarding his moodiness, new "space", etc... He's just getting uglier.

I have to agree with your friends, especially after living through this ... He's absolutely acting very guilty.

I am so sorry.

I'll keep checking today, between moving crews.

I'm really pissy after reading this now. Ugh.

[Autumn Leaves]

Thanks mindfull

I got a bit of sleep on the couch, and feel much calmer this morning. But I need to hold on to it when he wakes up. My nutritionist taught me to do belly breathing as a form of relaxation and meditation. Will continue to that if anxiety creeps up.

Unfortunately I don't have access to phone records or computer. His phone is paid by his company, and he never uses our home computer. His company got him an ipad but he has been leaving that at work recently, and does everything else on iphone.

I did look over the credit card bill yesterday, as well as the bank records. I don't see anything glaring, other than some cash withdrawals. But that could have been for regular use, gas in the car, etc.

My friend is connecting me with her counselor, who she really likes. I need to get into some counseling alone, as well as scheduling the MC. I need help with dealing with some of the emotions, when we argue he says mean, hurtful, spiteful things. He fights dirty, and I end up apologizing. It's very unhealthy. I need help to deal with this, and it will help as I set my boundaries. Nobody deserves to live this way. I am on eggshells constantly.

Now with a few hours of sleep in me, I am setting my mind to detach and be pleasant but distant. I will not engage in the craziness, and try to enjoy my weekend.

It is not always easy because he flip flops what makes him angry, sometimes me GAL makes him angry and he uses that as his excuse to do more of his party boy ways. I guess I can't be worried about that, and there is nothing I can do about it.

I just need to do nice things for me, be the best mom that I can be, and not worry about the rest for now. Way easier said than done, especially with Thanksgiving this week. It's very hard not to wonder what will happen with that.

Thanks for taking the time to answer, especially with your move. I am trying to read around more this morning, over my coffee, to see if I can get suggestions from similar sitches or people who have been here longer than I.

[Hopeful321]

I am speaking from experience. Snooping will just drive you crazy. What do you hope to accomplish by snooping? To prove that you are right? What will it change? It will just push him farther away. You can not control his actions. If you confront him with what you find out, then that is going to make him do it even more. I have been there. It's not a fun place to be. My advice, don't snoop.

[mindfull]

Autumn...

Hope is right. Snooping will drive you crazy.

I'm not advocating that.

I'm telling you to gather your data, have a plan, and act on it.

If you don't find out what you're dealing with, you're going to be in the same position I was in FOR TWO AND A HALF YEARS... A moody, jack-as$ husband, coming and going as he pleases, getting his favorite meals, a smiling, cute-haired, nicely manicured, adoring, nicely dressed, swooning wife, darling, polished children, and a spotless home, filled with everything he loves... or should love... At the end of the day, you still have a cheating husband, if the facts were there two and a half years before. (Read and re-read the hundreds of threads here w/the same result.)

Snooping, to me, is constantly re-checking your H's online activity, cc activity, bank statements, etc... AFTER you have found the truth, and moved on with your plan.

Why would you do that? You already know what the truth is, and you're moving on...

The only way to heal personally, and as a couple is confront the truth no matter what it may be.