I'm writing tonight because I feel like I'm of a mood that I never before thought that I would be in. For a while now, I have been contemplating filing D myself just to get out of this state of limbo-land. I have grown to despise this feeling of "waiting" to see if my W's A will fold and if her love & respect for me will ever come back. So far, it has been five months since my sitch has begun, and I see zero indication of progress on that front.
Maybe I'm just impatient. I don't know. But I do know that I very much dislike the fact that I'm fighting so hard for our M when I have a very strong feeling that my W would never work nearly as hard to save us if the tables were turned. That huge imbalance of power doesn't make me feel very good about myself.
I'm starting to wonder if I'm just better off pursuing a new R and pushing the reset button. That way, I could avoid making any of the many mistakes that I made in this last one. And, to be honest, I'm very tired of feeling unloved and unwanted. I want very much to feel that again from someone, and I'm not sure if I'll ever get that from my W ever again.
In addition, I'm very concerned that I could never get over my W's A even if the option of recon found itself on the table. Despite my strongest efforts to put it out of my mind (which has actually really helped me emotionally and mentally), I sometimes think that I could never get over it. The fact that my W has been so vocal about her sex life with OM makes me cringe at the thought of ever ML to my W again. I would always know that they did things together and would always wonder how I compare to him. And of course there's the obvious fear: how would I know that W would never do any of this again?
*sigh* I'm not ready to take this step yet, but it has been running around on my mind. I sometimes picture how my DB-ing would look to anybody else who knew all the details of my sitch. I keep feeling like they'd tell me, "What are you holding out for? Ditch her and find somebody else already!"
