In it, it states (around someone who created a very busy life for themselves), "she ultimately realized she previously stayed busy to mask her loneliness, insecurity, and emotional pain."
What stands out to me in your posts is how you appear to connect with people and at what level. I had mentioned about being a social butterfly.
One thing that social butterflies tend to do is have LOTS of "friends" that they bounce around between, without ever really connecting at a deeper level with these people.
Not everyone does or should make deep connections with a lot of people. No one should be judged because of their relations with other people.
When you ask if the questions might be related to your M though, the answer would be "perhaps..."
You had mentioned about how you felt connected to your H. What no one but your H knows is how connected he felt with you. Perhaps he felt equally connected when you first got M. Perhaps, as you made yourself more and more busy with the rest of your life, your H may have resented that you weren't more and more attentive with him, as well. Maybe you thought you were, it may not have appeared that way to him.
I don't know of course, I'm just putting ideas out there as things that MIGHT be possible...
When we keep ourselves busy with things we believe are really important to us, it comes at a cost. We may have convinced ourselves that what we are doing IS very important to us, when the deeper reality is that we are hiding away from those things we don't want to deal with.
There were two tasks I thought might be worth trying, for you. Both of which might be very challenging for you. They're often very challenging for anyone...
The first is a challenge to connect with someone. In training circles, it's called "breaking bread":
The challenge is to go out for lunch and eat with someone you do not know and get to know them.
The second challenge was around scarcity. You had mentioned that you didn't feel you had scarcity around money. So I was going to challenge you to think of an amount of money that you would typically "waste" shopping. Maybe it's an extra 5 or 10 bucks. So double that amount and find a way to safely but effectively loose that money without knowing where it ends up. ie. Do not "give it" to someone. It might be dropping it on the ground in a mall or somewhere in your office complex or maybe in a park... The point is you don't want to just let it go on the street and have some begger chase after it between the cars... Could you do it? Would you do it?
Rather though, it really seemed that time was where you felt you might have scarcity. There's not enough time in a day, a week, a life, to do everything that you want to do.
So the challenge would be, spend one week "unbooking" yourself. Go to work, but don't do the "extra" stuff that you normally have planned. Instead, leave your calender open. During that week, everything you do that isn't specifically during your work day should be spontaneous.
Maybe the above will just be food for thought. No matter to me one way or the other.
If you ever do take up the challenges, I would love to know what your experiences were.
