New here; husband left

[Coyote]

"There are 43 other grand kids and 11 adult children that could help with the house as well."

I thought about it but I can't really add anything more to this.

[TMC25]

And how could I help him."

I said this because I was trying to be a person whom someone whould come back to. I want to be a suportive and comforting person for my husband so he will want to be near me. ?? Wrong in doing this?

[TMC25]

Missing H. It's incredibly hard.

[Coyote]

"Missing H. It's incredibly hard."

Jeepers, I know this one! The others who posted for you know this too. For myself, this was probably the hardest thing I had to go through but I came out of it much better. However, if I would have sit and stewed and not be smart about this it would not have gone well. (If you make a mistake here that's alright. Learn and move on.)

Keep to the simple stuff that we talked about. One day at a time. H is doin' his thing and it has to run it's course. That's something you can't control so don't even try. I know this sounds like a broken record but it's true, again, focus on what you 'can' control, yourself.

By the bye, keep reading Michelle's books that we talked about, 'Divorce Busting' and 'Divorce Remedy.' Stick with that for now.

"I want to be a suportive and comforting person for my husband so he will want to be near me. ?? Wrong in doing this?"

We know the answer to this one. Nothing wrong with this. In short, you are going to have to make yourself a more interesting person who's confident in herself. Feels good about herself and is a very interesting person to be with. Start the process if you haven't already. Over time, as H goes through his stuff he'll most likely see that, 'Hmm, things are not going so good here after all. Maybe I might have been a putz. She's become quite the woman...'

[TMC25]

Its a roller coaster. Yesterday started off really well. H came over for his "parenting time". While I left for 3 hours. We spoke earlier and he was Im sure it was just out of habit. It felt good but also a little weird. But when I came back he and his mom and his EVIL sister were all eating dinner together. H's sister has caused HUGE drama and she REALLY dislikes me. She has a sad life and has allways been hugly into drama. H lives with her now. She has allways had weird "possive" issues with him (she moved across the street from us when we bought our house)She did not even turn around to look at me. Didnt acknowledge my presince at all. veryone else was fine. There is a complete lack of respect for me and there are no boundaries at all. This is why I want to leave. I acted like it was fine and went along with my stuff but when they left I went to my room and cried. It is hard enough to deal w/ my H but his sisters throw it over the edge. Everyone knows H's sister and I do not get along and noone even gave me a heads up or asked or anything. Ups and downs struggling

[Accuray]

I've read all I need to read TMC, get out of there. If your SiL is coming and going in YOUR house without your permission, and you don't get along, you need to change that. Get your own place where you are in control of your surroundings.

Have you talked to your parents? Are they nearby where they can help out with the baby? Can you move in with them temporarily until you find something?

I feel for you, you're going through a terrible time right now. So far you have been doing really well, keep it up. Feel good about how well you've been doing, and what a great mother you've been.

You will get through this and you will be stronger.

Accuray

[TMC25]

Do you think it matters that its not "my" house? Its my H's grandmas house but I've live there for over two years now with my h son and her.I think the whole thing is totally disrespectful.

[TMC25]

Ups and downs. H was susposed to come in the morning on thankgiving to be w/ S while I went to work and the I would take him the second half of the day. Well, he changed his mind and said to send him to the sitter and he would pick him up at 11. ( i work at 5am right now) I'm so disapointed in him. Making our baby spend thanksgiving at a sitters house b/c he dosnt want to get up early. Also, he called wanting to know when the divorce is susposed to be finalized. I told him he should have recieved a letter stateing the date was dec. 5th. He flew off the hanle saying he never got a letter and that wasnt soon enough. I should have been the end of nov. I asked him what the difference was and he said just b/c. ???? Whats going to change? We r allready living sep. lives.He said he wants to be done with it and everything will change once its official. What is that about??? Think he's planning on revieling a gf or something??

[Accuray]

That is very odd TMC, why is it your responsibility to set the timeline for the divorce? I feel so badly for you, it's so hard to understand H's behavior, he definitely seems off the reservation.

I don't know if he's planning on revealing GF, but maybe GF is there and he wants to feel better about it? Hard to say, you would know best.

I feel so badly for you, having a new baby is so hard, dealing with it by yourself is harder, and being involved in a marriage crisis at the same time is a triple whammy. You are a very strong person for coping as well as you are. Have you given any more thought to moving out?

You said "ups and downs", has H done anything to make you feel good lately? What have the ups been?

Accuray

[Coyote]

"I'm so disapointed in him. Making our baby spend thanksgiving at a sitters house b/c he dosnt want to get up early"

He's on a journey and he has his own agenda. Resist trying to sort him out. I know it's hard. You want to fix this. However, very likely H has other stuff that he may or may not be aware of that's working itself through, whatever... Ironically, much of this is not your fault.

You just focus on improvements you can do with yourself. Take care of things you can control. Let go of those that you can't. Yes, H may give you some that are valid, sure. Can't hurt to make your own list though. Look it over, check it twice, make sure who's naughty or nice...(Oops, that's Santa...)

When an S is like this it's alright to try to understand them as best as you can. Understand they have some issues. When they're ready they can talk about it. May take a while though for H to work this though, baby steps.

One thing here though, if you fix something and then H's focus goes to another thing, fix that then it goes to yet another, and so on and so on...watch for that. If you do get this then just keep things steady as she goes. Focus on what you can do. One at a time and nothing more. Acknowledge H on this and carry on. Often, when a S is like this they're button pushing. Let it wash off and vent elsewhere.

"Also, he called wanting to know when the divorce is susposed to be finalized."

Well then, 'If this is what you really want then I won't hold you back. You can be a great person. I enjoy spending my time with you, especially when we are appreciative of each other. But if this is what you feel then that's ok. Again, I don't mean to hold you back.' A good part of him will be expecting an argument. Crying, pleading to come back. That will just feed the negative energy of this and actually make it worse. Vent elsewhere.

"Think he's planning on revieling a gf or something??"

If he does or does not then that has to run it's course too. Take it as it comes. If this does actually happen, stay cool. These things almost 'never' last. Trust me on this. If H thought he had issues before, he will get a pie full with this! Again, vent elsewhere. (Almost always, after 3-6, sometimes 8 months romantic chemicals die off, dopamine. The romance fizzles off then they actually have to start 'working' on things. Saw this like clockwork with my W and others...)