Wife left

[Accuray]

1978,

Your W's speech is indeed often script you hear when an OM is involved. I would not necessarily go digging as suggested above however. Most people on this board will tell you they're far worse off after they dig. Assume the best and operate from a position of strength.

Your first plan is to read the book "Divorce Busting" and "The Divorce Remedy", they will give you a way forward.

Know that you cannot follow your gut right now, your instincts are wrong in a marriage crisis. You will be tempted to try to show your wife how much you love her, you will be tempted to pursue her to get her back. This will not work, as a matter of fact, it fails every time.

Picture that your wife is standing next to you. She's just taken a big step to the right, putting distance between you. If you now step right to follow her, she's going to take another step right, and then another, and soon she'll be running. These steps are "emotional distance", she will increasingly shut down. When you then get your act together, you will need to reclaim all that distance inch by painful inch. Do NOT push her further away right now.

If you're standing together and your wife takes a big step to the right, what happens when you take a step to the *left* instead? For one thing, she won't move any farther away. For another, she's going to wonder why you went the other direction, and she may take a small step closer to try to find out.

That's your goal right now -- stabilize the situation until you can educate yourself.

Often we think that this is an "emergency" and that we need to fix it right now. You can't, if you panic, you'll make it worse. There is no deadline, you cannot fix this quickly. It will take time and patience and you need to apply that now.

Give her space, back off. Focus on improving yourself. Divorce Busting recommends 3 things to do:

180: Whatever used to bother your wife, whatever she used to complain about, stop doing it -- in fact, do the opposite. If you used to ask her about her whereabouts, act like you don't care, etc. Become a new and better person. Don't TELL her, SHOW her.

GAL: "Get a Life" -- do things for yourself to make yourself happy. Pursue a new hobby, hang out with friends, get out of the house. Exercise, take a class, etc. This helps you cope, it makes you more interesting to your wife, gives you things to talk about other than your relationship, etc.

Act as If: Do not be sad around your wife. Don't make her responsible for your emotional wellbeing. She will resent you for that, it will make her feel badly, so she will avoid you. Instead, "act as if" everything is OK.

DO NOT send her love notes, letters, etc. putting your heart on the line. You should make it clear that you would like to work on the marriage, that you want her back, and that you also want her to be happy, but leave it at that. Don't ask for agreement or commitments. Tell her how you feel *one time* and leave it at that.

All of these things are extremely hard, you have to be superman right now, and do all the work yourself. This is a marathon, not a sprint, so set your expectations accordingly. Women who walk away typically plan to do so for months. This was not a spur of the moment decision on her part, she agonized over it. Therefore, she needs to see a reason to come back, you need to SHOW her it will be better than proceeding without you.

Accuray.