Finally confronted H on affair...Now what????

[keep_going]

25

Thanks again for all the great insight and truth.

I am happy with having H come over to my place. It's the best for everyone, and gives me opportunities for GAL and for my R with him anyways. I see where I have been rationalizing and justifying some of my actions and yes - being punitive and controlling. Thanks for pointing out how some of my thoughts were originating from a place of anger and a need to control. Sometimes it's not that easy for me to see that.

I also need to continue with 180s and being consistent with no anger and having a loving approach. I think this is where I failed. You correctly pointed out how he didn't trust my changes - and rightly so, because I have had so many backslides. It's not like I am not changing, but my progress is very very slow because of the backslides and i just need to be consistent FOR A LONG TIME before he can learn to trust me.

I need patience, consistency and am also focusing on letting go of OW triggers. I intellectually get that I cannot control ANY of that, but emotionally I am not detached yet.

This week has been good because she is not in the picture. I am trying to prepare myself for next week. I have decided not to bring the Thanksgiving arrangements up again. H can take kids on Thu and Fri like he asked for and if OW spends the night with them, so be it...

I will plan two full days filled with fun and GAL activities for me. It will be a great opportunity - this is the first time I will have two full days for myself in the last year?

This has been a good week for GAL and being upbeat and positive with H. No arguments, really listening, and he has seen me have fun with the kids, doing things for myself, etc. Baby steps. And LOT's of patience...He has tried to draw me into a couple of arguments, but I have been able to hold my ground. Yesterday I showed a bit of irritability at first when he was being not so nice to me, but I corrected immediately and was able to save the situation.

I realize that my sitch with H will not change any time soon, and I do believe it's an uphill battle. But my H is a great man and I refuse to give up on him. I don't know if there are some MLC issues as well, because he is just not acting as his old self. This very selfish and negative person is the opposite of the man I married. But I also know how much pain I have inflicted in him and how angry he is at me. Yes, he has made the wrong choices given adversity, but hey - I did as well for many years... I hope someday he can change course.

You asked about what his family thinks of all of this.

I am VERY close to them.
H's father was sober the last 10 years of his life before he passed away and he actually came to live with us for a year when his health deteriorated. (My idea.) And I am glad we did it. H and his dad became super close and had a chance to build a R they never had when his dad was drinking. And I know H was always grateful that I opened the doors of our home for this to happen. I adored my FIL. He is an example that people DO change if they want to. And my H used to believe the same, that is why it's so hard for me that he is not giving me that chance to change now...

H's mother is very hurt and upset at him. She thinks that him abandoning his family like this is unacceptable and is very hurt that he is not willing to give our M another shot. She knows nothing about OW and thinks that the reason we are not together is because of my anger. She has asked me to get help and I told her that I am in therapy and am doing all I can to change and do everything H wants from me. But I cannot tell her about OW. So she is confused to say the least. H will need to come clean with her on that.

(H says he has not told his mom about OW because he knows how hurt she will be and he is afraid of her reaction...)

H's sisters and his brother are like my siblings as well. Two of them know about OW - my H told one of them and I told the other one in confidence since she is a very close friend. Nobody agrees with how H is behaving. Besides, he has really isolated himself from all of them - he knows they don't approve of his behavior so far. Ironically, H and I were always the ones to bring the family together (I encouraged it always. For me family is the most important thing and I always organized get-togethers, etc. One of the reasons why his mom loves me so much...)

I believe that when OW comes into the picture there will be major family drama. But I AM STAYING OUT OF IT... I will not be involved cause I don't want H to blame me for his family's reactions.

MIL is hurt cause she wanted me to come over for Thanksgiving (SIL told me this two days ago). But I assume H told her not to invite me because she has not called me.

Plus OW will be in town... I have no idea if H is going to take her to his mom's... I am sure he wants to, but he needs to tell his mom about her first. And SIL said that H and his mom had a huge argument by phone and that he probably could not get to the dating part of the conversation...
All I know is that kids will spend Thanksgiving with H. Hopefully he will still go to his mom's, but who knows at this time.

Bottom line is that that is not my problem. Sooner or later things will come out in the open and I want to be as far away as possible... I am just sad for all the hurt everyone in the family is experiencing because of my H's and I sitch.

In the meantime, I continue working on myself...