A fork in the road - EA admitted by wife

[NYCPeter]

Unfortunately if I delayed a couple of months - I am sure she will have her L file.

By putting the onus on her to do everything at least she knows the ball is in her court. I'm also hoping she revisits the list she provided me gives her another sense of how hars life would be for all of us post D.

[OmegaZed]

NYC,

Quite frankly you don't have to make a move. By all means get a lawyer to protect yourself, but also realize you have more ammunition in your favor to have things go your way.

If your wife keeps asking for dates, let her. You have a busy life with work and maintaining a relationship with your daughters and the things you do for yourself, so if your wife wants to file, let her do all the leg work. YOU did your best to work on the marriage and YOU did the work emotionally and mutually, so if she wants to dissolve it, then let her.

So what if her L files, then so be it. You and your L have the capability to drag it out so that in the long run, in many ways you'll both get what you want. I'm not saying live in a fantasy land where the notion of divorce doesn't exist, but understand that though you may feel powerless, the tools to getting through all this are right under your nose.

[NYCPeter]

Well W texted me this AM asking if I had cancelled the mediator.

I told her no - I thought she was cancelling. She responded - "Ok - left a message to cancel, let me know about two Fridays from now - Dec 2".

I want to reply - "Lets get through the holidays and schedule in the New Year", though she will see this as me trying to delay everything.

The dates are for mediation (which quite frankly I would rather do than go through Lawyers if we were to go through with D).

What do you mean by "the tools to getting through all this are right under your nose".

[Accuray]

NYCPeter, my understanding is that you prefer mediation because you think you'll get a better settlement and spend less money than lawyers/court right?

Remember that if mediation doesn't go the way you want you have a fallback plan. You're not in a hurry, and in a negotiation the person with the deadline always loses.

Accuray

[fade]

Have you discussed with a lawyer whether you can leverage her affair to eliminate alimony. I get that you are in a no fault state but in some officially no-fault states you can still bring evidence of an affair in the filing and by either law or judge's discretion reduce or avoid alimony. Another tactic is to use threat of exposure of the affair to try to get better terms. You seem to think her dad is guiding and helping her - do you think he will be so willing to help if he knew the real reason for her desire to divorce?

I just hate for you to take such a hands-off attitude that you put yourself in a hole. 50% of your salary to a cheating wife is not good terms in any state. I can 100% guarantee that if you give her primary custody this will be your greatest regret in life.

If she is in a huge hurry so she can live her magical life with OM and may even have a sliver of guilt for your situation - this is called the Mr. Wonderfaul Effect and she is never going to be more pliable than right now while her focus is elsewhere. I would very much suggest seeing a few more lawyers because most of them will say just bend over then pay me, but there are a few out there who will actually fight for you. And please check out the forums at [Edited by dbmod: link not allowed] for NY specific advice and try to put yourself in a better legal position.


[Edited by dbmod to add note: exposing the affair may end of your marriage. See Michele's post on the Infidelity Forum]

[NYCPeter]

Accuray - Spend less money is right, unfortunately in theory it's also a speedier process so that goes against what I want in respect of time.

W just called - wanted to know when I wanted to re-schedule. I said I'm not sure of my work schedule but I am sure the Mediator will be able to fit us into his schedule at reasonable notice. She's pushing for Dec 2.

W is working all weekend so will get to spend quality time with the girls.

[Valeska19]

Wow.. she's really pushing isn't she?

OZ and Accuray offer good advice.

It seems to me that your w has your scared a little bit. She's holding all the cards.

I'm all for thinking logically and making good decisions to not lose money in the end... but I can tell you that if I would have rushed into this and made all my decisions based of the pressure my w was giving me... I'd actually be worse off.

Peter - this is your life. You control it. You don't run from the D, but if you haven't thought through everything, have a good game plan, can control your emotions... don't move forward.

I'm hearing "My wife will think I'm delaying it" as much as "I'm afraid I'll lose more if we go another route"

You gotta do what's best for you.. and I know you will. I'm not trying to force you to postpone because I dont know what will happen in your sitch.

I'm only saying that if you continue to base all of your decisions about your present and your future out of 1) fear and 2) your wifes wants... I don't believe you will inturn do what's best for you as an individual and a father to your girls.

[OmegaZed]

NYC,

fade basically stated what I felt. Also why give up a home that's rightfully yours? Is your name the primary one on the paperwork, if so...she needs to be the one to leave not you.

As for your W pushing for it, politely let her know that you don't feel D is the answer, but acknowledge that you cannot stop her. If you don't truly want it, be honest and tell her. She can't fire at someone who isn't firing back.

[NYCPeter]

My W does not know that I know it's a PA - I have a hotel receipt for a night she was supposed to be with my in-laws, I have not confronted her with this and she will claim "it was for a friend" who I know cheats on her husband.

Re: leveraging the affair to offset alimony - both lawyers I spoke to said it likely would not make a difference, unless she was afraid of it being exposed (actually I didn't like either L that I met, so need to meet a few more).

I cannot get primary custody :
1. I am the only person working (W has been SAHM for 9 years).
2. I have no family in the US - so no-one to help while I was at work.
3. My D9 has special needs and needs full time care.

She has scared me - this is all moving too fast for me, what's best for me and the girls is to stay in a monogomous M - if that can't happen then what's next best is for me to be able to afford a place that I can share with my girls and for my W and I to have a good co-parenting relationship.

Re: the house - it's in both our names, I would give it up if I could keep 100% of my 401k. But she can't afford it on her own without help from her parents (they could do that - but not without impacting their lifestyle).

You are all right - I am acting out of fear and out of trying to save my M - I should be thinking more about me and the girls. I won't raise the mediation with her, but if she raises it with me I intend saying - "W, I understand your position - but this is not what I want right now. Why don't we discuss this after the holidays and see where we stand".

She cancelled a L appt (to file) this week as I said I would go to mediation with her today - fortunately some business meetings came up so I needed to cancel, which is why she wants the mediation at the earliest opportunity.

Ideally I'd like a L to tell me - Best case, worst case and likely scenarios - the ones I met with were so vague that it really didn't help me.

[NYCPeter]

Ok - I give up.

I came home from work and was surprised to see my W home.
She was dressed up to go out (she usually goes to work on Friday nights).
Literally the conversation went like this :
Me - Oh you're not going to work
W - No, why?
Me - Just that you never mentioned anything
W - Do I have to tell you everything?
Me - No, just would have thought you would have said something
W - Well I don't have to tell you anything, you didn't tell me you had meetings when we were supposed to meet the mediator
Me - The meetings weren't scheduled until after the appointment was made.
W - That's what you say.
Me - It's true
W - Well I'm going out

She left - I really didn't raise my voice or act in an irrational way. I also found out from a friend that she told his wife that she "hates weekends" because I am around the house.

I really don't know what's caused this behavior - I'm not the one having an affair - maybe she realizes the hotel invoice is missing, I don't know. At the end of the day - despite 180s, despite GAL (ok minimal) - she seems to hate me more than ever.

I think the ending to this one is pretty inevitable.