Finally confronted H on affair...Now what????

[keep_going]

Hi Rick,

Thanks for the post and encouragement. I have followed your thread and yes - we do have a lot of similarities.

I have one story to share that really struck me about our cultural differences. When my H (then boyfriend) came with me to visit my family in my country, he was in culture shock. He also did not know the language. So during one family reunion (I have a very large and close-knit family there), my H asked "Why is everyone mad and fighting?" The truth is that nobody was. We were all having a great time, being our own loud, argumentative and well... latin.

I never felt my family dynamics or interactions were wrong - and I still don't. FOR MY FAMILY...

BUT - for my H, it was no good. He had a very conflict and violence-filled childhood and any hint of conflict or arguments immediately made him go into protect and aversion mode. And I SHOULD have been more aware and sensitive to this and I wasn't. So live and learn, I guess...

So now I am working hard on changing our communication dynamic and softening my approach with him. It's very hard, because there are anger issues, compounding the cultural differences, but I am aware and willing to change. Taking baby steps. Sometimes one forward and two back, but I won't quit!

If I had to analyze my R with H now from when he left a year ago, we have improved. We don't argue everyday. We have some stretches where there no conflict. I actually think the only time we have real conflicts or arguments are when OW issues arise. And that is my focus now - getting OW to NOT be an issue between us, let it go and detaching.

More work to do for sure. A LOT more...

Thanks again, and congratulations on your progress and your bike ride. It's nice to see you re-discovering things you used to like!